22 June 2006

SQUEAL LIKE A PIG!

The most disturbing sex scenes ever seared into celluloid.

Deliverance (1972) No American male went camping for five years after the plowing of poor camper Ned Beatty at gunpoint by a hillbilly. It doesn’t matter that the bastard gets speared with a crossbow; Beatty’s jiggling stomach and the cracker’s vicious taunts make this the doggy style scene of your recurring nightmares. Limp line: “I bet you can squeal like a pig! So-o-o-we-e-e!”

The Crying Game (1992) IRA commando Stephen Rea fails Spotting She-Males 101 when he falls for hairstylist Jaye Davidson. Things look good until Rea takes “her” home for some oral only to receive the surprise of his life when Mr. Love Truncheon makes a guest appearance. And we thought St. Patrick drove all the snakes out of Ireland! Limp line: “You did know, didn’t you?”

Crash (1996) Braces on a gal can be sexy, but not on her freakin’ legs! James Spader struggles with Rosanna Arquette’s twisted limbs, which are encased in leather and metal contraptions, as she moans with pain and pleasure. It’s like sneaking a peak at an orgy on the handicapped bus. Limp line: Squeak. Squeak.

Bad Lieutenant (1992) When corrupt cop Harvey Keitel catches two gals driving without a license, he demands they get lewd “Show me your ass!” while he jacks off. Flat out disturbing, and about as sexy as a ménage à trois with Cagney and Lacey. Limp line: “Show me how you suck a guy’s cock.”

Jawbreaker (1999) A sex scene with Marilyn? Sounds hot. Too bad we’re talking Marilyn Manson. Not only does the bony freak get it on with bodacious Rose McGowan, the cosmic injustice is compounded by the fact that the two are lovers in real life. Limp line: “In and out. That’s the way she liked it.”

20 June 2006

FUN WITH CORPSES!

Death can ruin your day, but for some unlucky cadavers, the fun has just begun.

Goin’ Post Mortal: Never piss off a hearse driver. That’s what the city council of Nakuru, Kenya, learned on February 16, 2000, when Simon Munyiri Muriithi gathered some friends together to protest unfair treatment. The friends just happened to be maggot infested corpses, whom Muriithi drove up to city hall until the stench made the mayor and his aides retch.

English Toast: A rugby fan traveled to Scotland with his 77 year old father-in-law to catch a match this May, only to have the old geezer kick shortly after the game. Not one to miss the drunken bus ride back to England, this clever chap dressed the stiff and dragged him along. Amazingly, the blotto Brits didn’t notice the stinking corpse the aroma must have been masked by the stench of their rotting teeth.

Mannequin IV: In the Ground: In 1996, Connecticut resident Kimberley Kitrinos, victim of a hit and run, crawled outside of a charity haunted house before keeling over. Trick or treaters marveled at the spooky realism of the décor as they marched past her to collect candy. Even after her body was discovered and removed, the event went on as scheduled.

Mother’s Little Helper: In 1999, a nine year old Tennessee boy lived with his mother’s corpse for a full month because he was afraid of being taken into foster care. The boy fixed his own meals, cut his own hair, and didn’t miss a day of school while his dead mother lay like a bear rug in the living room. Police finally caught on, boxed her up, and sent Junior to live with his grandparents.
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