09 June 2006

Are You Keith Moon?

Could you be a hard livin’ celebrity and not know it? Take my mini test to find out.

1. Although you recorded the best selling soundtrack ever, rumors about your personal life abound. Then you get caught with 15.2 ounces of marijuana by an airport security guard. You:
a)Throw the bag at him, run to the nearest plane, and board it; after being apprehended, repeat over and over, “What drug problem?”
b)Admit that the pot is yours and that you have a problem. Take responsibility for your crime and get some help.

2. Though your road to success was bumpy, all your bad habits are behind you. After being released from prison for good behavior, you want to jump start your career. You:
a)Get high just nights after your release; then, instead of walking home, stumble into the nearest strange house, crawl into the youngest daughter’s bed, and pass out.
b)Make a public apology for all the mistakes you’ve made, find a rehab program that works, and start auditioning again.

3. You were just voted one of the sexiest men alive. How do you celebrate?
a)Break out your old bongos and your supply of hashish, strip down to your birthday suit, and start playing loud enough for the neighbors to have you arrested.
b)Go out to dinner with some friends and toast your success. Then go home and start preparing for your next project.

4. Following a series of hits in the early ’90s, your bid to cross over and become an action star tanks. You take your girlfriend to a party, where some guys start a fight with you. How do you prove you’re the better man?
a)Punch your girl in the face, bite the host in the stomach, and wrestle with the police until they throw you in jail.
b)Turn the other cheek, then whisk your girlfriend away to a more romantic evening in front of the fireplace.

5. While relaxing in the spacious home you built with the millions you made from the sales of your soul records, you experience an unfortunate power outage. When a utility worker comes to the door to fix the problem, you:
a)Accuse him of trespassing and chase him off your property with a steak knife.
b)Kick back with a nice Lipton Iced Tea and let the man do his job.

6. As one of America’s most respected actors, you continue to win Oscars even in the twilight of your career. You have all the power Hollywood has to offer. You:
a)Come on to women who may or not be prostitutes, have sex with them, then beat them when they try to collect from you.
b)Get married, settle down, attend Lakers games.

SCORING: For every a) answer you picked, give yourself 4 points; score 1 point for each b).

9 points or fewer You couldn’t offend anyone if you tried. You are Wilford Brimley.

10–14 points You’re more comical than dangerous. You are Gary Coleman.

15–19 points Are you sure you’re not Coolio? OK…

20 points or more You are indeed Keith Moon and are quite probably dead.

05 June 2006

Kneel, Boy!

No matter what type of louse you are, there’s a patron saint for you.

Thought Catholicism was all about wine and crackers on Sunday? Hardly. It’s also about finding folks to pray to who were just as screwed up as you.

If you’re: A drunk
Pray to: Saint John of God
A wild man who drank, fought, then repented when the hangovers got to be too much, John’s the Catholic equivalent of George W. Bush. Pray to him when you wake up naked in an alley and next to a mahu.

If you’re: An arms dealer
Pray to: Saint Adrian of Nicomedia
A guard for a Roman emperor, Adrian witnessed the torture of 22 Christians. He promptly converted to Christianity, at which point he was jailed, tortured, and burned to death. Nice career move.

If you’re: A bartender
Pray to: Saint Amand
The patron of bartenders mostly because he hung out a lot in the beer and winemaking areas of France and Germany, converting heathens and whatnot. The failure to find an Irish saint for this occupation represents a severe oversight on the part of the Catholic church.

If you’re: A letdown to your parents
Pray to: Saint Monica
Monica’s child was Saint Augustine, who became a prominent theologian and one of the most important figures in the history of philosophy. Not good enough for Monica, who had her heart set on Augie becoming a cardiologist. And you thought only Jewish mothers were overbearing.
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