02 June 2006

Textbook Excuses

Can a $100,000 education help you out of a jam?

Gal just caught you red handed ogling another woman? Relax, padre your old school’s gonna help you out. Here are five surefire excuses, straight from college courses(OCS here I come), that’ll have you back in the saddle in no time. (Next time wait till she’s in the ladies’ room to let your eye wander…)

Excuse from gender studies:
You weren’t mentally undressing the girl; you were quietly judging her.
Say: “Poor thing it’s clear she’s unwittingly buying into a patriarchal view of women’s beauty by choosing modes of dress that contribute to her own oppression. Thank God you’ve got more personal power than that.”

Excuse from art history:
You were trying to place her in the correct historical period.
Say: “Can you believe that in the post Renaissance baroque era, a hefty woman like that was considered the representation of ideal female beauty?”

Excuse from solid geometry:
She’s simply a solid object that’s piqued mathematical curiosity.
Say: “I was just formulating equations to calculate the space occupied by that particular set of three dimensional curvilinear objects and developing methods for testing my hypotheses. Hey, have you lost weight?”

Excuse from sociology:
You’re a clinical observer in the field.
Say: “Shh…I’m checking out her nonverbal cues as a way of studying female behavior. Weren’t you the one who said I needed to get in touch with my feminine side?”

Excuse from psychology:
The whole ugly scene was merely a ruse to test your girlfriend.
Say: “Interesting…So that’s how you’d react if I were to feign interest in a less attractive girl. Let’s see what happens when I try to get her phone number.”

31 May 2006

Dick Nixin'

Are penises going the way of the dodo? Grab your crotch while you still can.

When financial woes, a tepid love life, or your crummy wifes salary gets you down, cheer up: At least your penis isn’t shriveling away. Not so for victims of shrinking penis panics that crop up now and again…due, in some cases, to koro, the psychological delusion that Mr. Happy’s saying bye bye. Some examples:

India 1982 Spurred by the rumor of a shrinking penis epidemic, thousands of concerned mothers bring their sons to hospitals en masse. First, however, they bind the poor boys’ penises with string to prevent further shrinkage “Aw, Mom! You’re embarrassing me!” a preventive measure that produces a multitude of lacerations and ulcers. Quick thinking docs quell the possibility of further embarrassment and hysteria by staging large scale public penis measuring…

United States 1996 An immigrant from Guinea, enraged by the prosecution of O.J. Simpson (who turned out to be not guilty, by the way), comes to believe that his penis is shrinking. To raise public awareness of his predicament, he does the only sensible thing: He kidnaps a nursing home patient. (Anyone else smell sitcom here? Get Fox on the phone…)

Western Africa 1997 A mob from Senegal and Ivory Coast rounds up 20 or so “magicians” accused of casting penis shrinking curses on villagers. When a quick demo proves that everyone’s penis is in fact perfectly normal, the “victims” counter that the magicians obviously repaired the, ah, shortage when no one was looking. And without further ado, the mob burns the bastards alive. Hey, better safe than sorry…

30 May 2006

Spot A Fake

Sniff out phonies better than Holden Caulfield.

$100 bill
Under U.S. law, guess who eats it when you get stuck with a phony greenback. You do. Learn to eyeball your C notes for:

A microprint reading United States of America around the sides of Franklin’s portrait

A watermark of a second, smaller bust of Franklin to the right of the portrait, visible when you hold the bill up to the light

Red and blue fibers embedded in the paper

The total absence of a tiny Jar Jar Binks perched on Franklin’s shoulder. And stop using your counterfeits for rolling paper.

British accent
Suspect a rat if your would be limey is Madonna or does any of the following:

Peppers every sentence with jolly good and bloody. Exception: Liberal use of cunt (by men) and wanker is normal for Brits, particularly if they’re speaking to you.

Overstresses the duration and length of vowels. A real Brit puts a short a (as in father) in dance, pass, and chance.

Forgets to make hard t’s. Americans say latter the same as ladder and writer the same as rider; but you’ll hear those t’s when a Brit speaks.

The fact that your stone cuts glass doesnt prove diddly squat anymore. The best option is to bring the rock to a gemologist certified by the Gemological Institute of America, who will run it through a series of tests you can’t do at home, measuring refraction, specific gravity, and the like. And avoid buying your diamonds from anyone who throws in a set of steak knives.

If you’d like to avoid a replay of The Crying Game in your own bedroom, remember:

Male hands tend to be larger and show more lines and veins than a woman’s delicate mitts. A square, angular jaw line suggests that your lady is a laddie (possibly Superman).

Cross dressers often wear equipment binding corsets to hide the pickle. If she always sits down gingerly, be suspicious.

Look for facial and body hair camouflage such as turtlenecks and shimmery, opaque tights.
Finally, peek under the bathroom door when she takes a pee. If her shoes are facing the toilet, run, boy, run!

29 May 2006

"Honor this place where valor sleeps..."

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