26 May 2006

You Have Any Better Ideas?

Warning!

The following labels appear on products. Reading may result in concern for the human race.

Is there another way?
Dial soap
Directions: Use like regular soap.

Your kid has bigger problems…
Triaminic cough syrup for children
Avoid alcoholic beverages while taking this product. Use caution when driving a motor vehicle or operating heavy machinery. If you are pregnant or nursing a baby, seek the advice of a health professional.

Maximum security
Carsaver car lock Lock may not prevent starting or moving of car when lock is in place.

The possibilities are finite!
Q-Tips cotton swabs
Description: For various uses. Directions: If used to clean ear, swab lightly around outside of ear. Do not put inside ear canal. Warning: Use only as directed.

Sounds like my Uncle Lou
Pokémon stuffed animal: Koffing
Because Koffing stores several kinds of gasses in its body, it is prone to exploding without warning.

No shit
Ex-Lax Laxative Pills
Consult a doctor and stop taking laxative if rectal bleeding occurs because it may be due to a serious condition.

Even after I heat them?
Hot Pockets microwave croissants
Caution: Products will be hot.

But I want hairy lungs!
Rogaine Hair Re-Growth Treatment
For external use only.

24 May 2006

I GOT TO PEE

Q: Is there any science behind the bar phenomenon of ‘breaking the seal’—i.e., after your first pee, you’re in and out of the bathroom all night?
A: Not much. “As you’re getting crocked, you’re having such a good time that you don’t even realize how badly you need to pee,” explains CPT. Dudley Danoff, a urologist at BAMC “But you certainly do have to go. Alcohol is a potent diuretic, making you urinate the equivalent of about eight cans of beer for every six cans you drink.” When it finally dawns on you that your bladder is about to explode, you stumble to the bathroom, only to discover that you have to whiz again and again, even if you’ve stopped drinking. That’s because your body is still processing alcohol, squeezing water out of your bloodstream, funneling it through your kidneys, and pouring urine into your distended bladder until you’ve worn a path in the linoleum. Our advice: You’re never too young for Depends.

22 May 2006

Get Out Of Bed

Tired of sleeping, eating Fritos, and watching Welcome Back Kotter reruns? I’ll soon have you on your feet…literally.

1. The Lift
Even the longest journey starts by standing up, I recommend lying on your back (hey, that was easy) and raising your knees until the shins and feet are 12 to 14 inches off the surface of the bed (whoa). Be sure to move any blankets or sheets that could get tangled on the feet. You also might want to scatter any airline stewardesses, barely legal teens, and bosses’ wives as well.

2. The Swing
Once your feet are unencumbered, you’ll either (a) pass out from the foot funk, or (b) be ready to move on. If it’s the latter, lucky you! Pivoting on your back, swing the lower body over the edge of the bed. If your feet crash into the wall, go the other way. Once your legs are over the floor, lower them until your feet touch down. If the floor is too cold, you either need “socks” (a kind of foot warming sheath) or some jokers have cut the bottoms out of your pajama footies again. Exact vengeance.

3. The Stand
With your feet on the ground, slide your ass off the edge of your bed until your weight rests steadily on top of your legs. Now straighten the legs until you’re “standing” erect. Be careful not to go too far or you’ll topple over onto your face. Congratulations, soldier, you’re up! In this position you’ll find activities like obtaining beer, dancing the hornpipe, and kicking smaller people much, much simpler. Welcome to the new you!
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