19 May 2006

Teddy Said it almost 100 yrs.ago


Every American Citizen needs to read this!

Theodore Roosevelt's ideas on Immigrants and being an AMERICAN in 1907.

"In the first place, we should insist that if the immigrant who comes here in good faith becomes an American and assimilates himself to us, he shall be treated on an exact equality with everyone else, for it is an outrage to discriminate against any such man because of creed, or birthplace, or origin. But this is predicated upon the person's becoming in every facet an American, and nothing but an American...There can be no divided allegiance here. Any man who says he is an American, but something else also, isn't an American at all. We have room for but one flag, the American flag...
We have room for but one language here, and that is the English language... and we have room for but one sole loyalty and that is a loyalty to the American people."
- Theodore Roosevelt 1907

Signs To Tell She Wants You

Only in your dreams do unfamiliar babes at parties hold up signs urging you to “Come and get it!” In the waking world, you have to decipher more subtle, unconscious signals, according to (ret)Col Allan Pease’s "Guide To Signals For PVT's"

If She tosses her head…
…or lets her hair fall onto her face and peers out from under her cage o’ locks, holding your gaze, you’re in.

If She exposes her wrists…
…it’s a subtle come on. (The bondage imagery won’t be lost on the discriminating male.)

If She spreads her legs…
…or strikes a wide legged stance, she’s either hot for your bones or has a serious thong-wedgie situation.

If She thrusts her foot…
…or moves her tootsies in and out of her shoe, it’s more classic nookie symbolism. (Don’t ask her if she’s got bunions.)

If She flashes her neck…
…it’s a come hither sign of passivity. (If she flashes her breasts, you’re either at Mardi Gras or your alarm clock is about to go off.)

If She fondles cylindrical objects…
…or starts running her fingers up and down the stem of her wineglass, she’s well, what do you think?

One final note: The finger still means go away.

17 May 2006


The skinny:
Many centuries ago, a wise man introduced hops and barley to the fermentation process. Soon after this carbonated, golden hued liquid was imbibed, the first beer goggle was invented making it easier for fat, ugly men to get laid.

If you liked this beverage, you’d like:
Vodka; gin; cirrhosis; yelling, “Woooooo yeahhhhhhh!” arguing with friends, then making up with friends, then hugging friends, then making out with friend’s girlfriends.

Did I drink this?
Fuck you and your twin!

What does Skip think?
Beer has bubbles! Bubbles tickle my gaping gullet.

Best post-beering activity:
Blowing Bud mud.

Best microbrews you don’t know about:
Olympian’s Sasquatch Summer Ale, San Francisco’s Hair of the Fog, Chewy’s Star Wars Bar Scene Beer.

Porno title:
Where the Keg Don’t Shine.

True facts:
According to commercials, beer makes you sexy, smart and hip!

Tantalizing tidbits:
I love you, man. You’re the best. Man, you are…My mouth tastes like puke!

15 May 2006

Free Sick Days

Can’t stop drinking, swearing, and screwing? You should really come to the 5-14 Cav Aid Station.

Remember when attention deficit disorder was simply called “misbehaving”? Nowadays anything Prozac can’t cure is classified as an illness, and frankly, 5-14 Cav Med Plt want in. So we’ve invented some maladies to explain away our own incurable behaviors.

Monogamy Noncompliance Disorder MND
A condition characterized by the inability to be faithful to a single sex partner. An advanced form of NNLOGBS, Not Not Looking at Other Girls’ Breasts Syndrome.

Mundane Task Avoidance Disability MTAD
Sufferers are incapable of doing PT or any other dumb ass task that is put out. Frequently attacks at or before 0630 Monday - Friday; treatable with beer and hammock therapy.

Phantom Injury Flashback PIF
A debilitating flareup of an old injury, either the sufferer’s own or remembered from NFL GameDay, triggered by losing at sports.

Drinking Prowess Misestimation DPM
A mental disorder resulting in the victim’s incorrectly believing that he can consume the same quantity of alcohol that he did in college. Treat with immediate forgiveness and then never speak of it again.

Can’t Tell If Those Shoes Go With That Dress Because the Game Is On Disorder CTITSGWTDBGIOD
A hideous malady characterized by long bouts of no sex and sleeping on the couch.
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