12 May 2006

Screw With Telemarketers

Won’t they be sorry they tried to sell you a Chop a Matic at 3 a.m.

“Hi, Mr. Jones! How’re you today?” wonders the telephone voice that just spoiled your dinner, interrupted your coitus, or pulled you off the can. Don’t get mad…get freaky. That telemarketer on the other end of the line is so starved for attention, he’d love to play any of the following games with you. Honest!

Game: Holy Roller
How to play: Ask him if he has accepted the Lord Jesus into his heart. Deliver the “righteous man” speech from Pulp Fiction. Ask him to get on his knees and pray with you.
You win when: You get him to repeat after you, “Hallelujah.”

Game: Secret Agent Man
How to play: Ask repeatedly if the conversation is being recorded. Claim that the CIA’s been listening in ever since you got back from “the operation in Grenada.” Neither confirm nor deny any of the information he may have obtained.
You win when: He acknowledges that he hears the clicking, too.

Game: Tourette’s Sufferer
How to play: Act interested in whatever he has to offer, but stutter. Explain that you have a neurological disease and that you can’t bitch! control what goddamn man titties! comes out of your assface! assface!
You win when: He apologizes to you.

Game: Coffee Disaster
How to play: Interrupt his pitch with a piercing scream. Howl that you just spilled hot coffee on your balls. Act as if you’ve accidentally made the situation worse: “Gotta get some salt on this burn before it…A-a-a-argh!”
You win when: He offers to call for help.

Game: Say What?
How to play: Explain that you’ve just returned from a Metallica concert and your hearing is shot. Ask him to speak louder…louder…louder! Make him keep starting his pitch from the top.
You win when: He slams the phone down and you finish your meal/bathroom trip/stewardess in peace.

10 May 2006

Really Gross Anatomy

Instead of the lies I usually print, here are some actual facts and figures on the human body.

The Brain
The energy coursing through your brain is equivalent to the power needed to run a 650 watt microwave.

The Eyes
By age 60, our eyes have been exposed to the amount of light energy produced by a nuclear blast.

The Nose
Every day, your nose cleans, warms, and humidifies a volume of more than 500 cubic feet of air.

The Lungs
Smokers with a pack a day habit don’t just ingest nicotine; they also consume about a half cup of tar a year.

The Heart
In a 70 year lifetime, your heart pumps more than 46,000,000 gallons of blood through your veins.

The Skin
70 percent of the dust in your home is dead human skin. In your life that dust will add up to 85 pounds.

The Nipples
About 1 to 2 percent of the population has an extra nipple (usually located beneath an arm). Got milk?

The, er, Milky Way
There are as many neurons in your brain as there are stars in the galaxy. At least there were before college.

08 May 2006

Sticky Fingers!

Worried about germs? Don’t touch that dial (or phone, or copy machine)!

Think about all the items you touch every single day, pay phones, tabletops, restaurant silverware. Now, bearing in mind how bad your own hygiene is, think about all the people who touched them before you did. According to a recent University of Arizona study, humans touch as many as 600 surfaces an hour and spread saliva, snot, piss, and blood (among other things) all over the place. Here are the stickiest of the sticky spots, ranked according to how many the study found to be contaminated by bodily fluids.

Rails and armrests in public buses 35%
Bank countertops 29%
Park Benches 29%
Gym equipment 28%
Movie theater seats 26%
Public bathroom surfaces 25%
Shopping cart handles 21%
Escalator handrails 19%
Customer shared pens 16%
Vending machine buttons 14%
Restaurant tables and silverware 14%
Swimming pools 14%
Public telephones 13%
Office copy machines buttons 11%
Elevator buttons 10%
Doctors’ offices 10%
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