28 April 2006

Avoid Eternal Damnation

Don’t feel like repenting? Try one of these backdoor methods for getting past the Pearly Gates.

From what we understand, hell is a really bad place, an endless waiting room with nothing to do other than listen to Pat Robertson. But fear not, I hit the theology books and found religions with Get Out of Hell Free cards. Regardless of what you worship, it can’t hurt to try one or all three.

Catholicism(I need to repepnt more now, Lord forgive me)
Like any good Jewish boy, Jesus always listened to His mother, so when it comes time to make bail from perdition, the smart money is on Mary. Tradition holds that if you wear the scapular of Our Lady of Mount Carmel until the moment of your death, you will be saved.

Some Jews believe that dead souls wander a gray, depressing region called Gehenna, a place not unlike Buffalo(ahh, home sweet home). To avoid this dull afterlife, tell your kids to say kaddish, the prayer of mourning, for you every day for 11 months. Then you’ll be released from Gehenna to…well…somewhere else. Maybe Florida.

Buddhists have up to 16 separate hells for those, like Dick Chenney, who habitually commit violent acts. Just how much hell you’ll have to endure comes down to how much good karma and bad karma you’ve accumulated; so take stock of your life of sin and then start doing good to balance it out. (Put one of your kids through college and erase that weekend with the two midget hookers.)

26 April 2006

Am I Dead Yet?

Is your lifestyle killing you? Run these five quick health checks to make sure you’re not dead.

Your alarm goes off. You stumble out of bed and look in the mirror, where you see a man with Bill Murray’s complexion, eyeballs like pinwheels, and cotton candy sprouting in his armpits. Was it those dozen shots of tequila? Or the case of beer you washed them down with? All you know is that you haven’t exactly made healthy living a priority, and maybe it’s time to assess the damage.

Then again, do you really have time to go to a doctor to get rectally violated, by a military doc of all docs, then told to take a friggin’ 800 mgmotrin? Neither do I. So I called some MDs and collected five checkups you can do every morning. Strap on the rubber gloves and let’s see if you’re still a viable life form.

Attack your heart
Start by taking your pulse. To get an accurate reading, check it first thing in the morning (before the coffee), says Maj. Alfred M. Dashe, Internal Medicne Doctor or LRMC. Hold the index and middle fingers of your right hand against your left wrist, just below your palm. Count the beats for 15 seconds, then multiply by four.

Scoring: 51–65: Binge drinking has mysteriously given you the constitution of an Olympic athlete. 66–90: Try getting exercise by chasing women around your barstool. More than 90: Your arteries may be clogged like the plumbing at Graceland. If your pulse is especially fast (tachycardia), slow (bradycardia), or irregular (arrhythmia), call your doc. If you can’t detect a pulse, start scribbling your will. Quickly.

Do it yourself urinalysis
Stagger to the bathroom and bid adieu to last night’s beer. If you feel like you’re pissing acid, you may have a urinary tract infection or gonorrhea (see a doc). If your pee comes out in spurts, your prostate may be swollen (see a doc). If your urine splashing sounds like the guitar solo on Aerosmith’s “Pump,” you may be psycho (shrink time).

Once you’re done, check out the color. If it’s clear, you’re in the clear. “Beets could make your urine orange, while coffee could turn it brown,” says COL. Dudley Seth Danoff, a urologist at BAMC. “Other colors could mean trouble.” Follow our color key.

Dark yellow: You may be eating too much salt, or maybe you’re dehydrated.

Cloudy white: You may have kidney stones or a bladder infection.

Any red blood: You may have anything from herpes to bruised kidneys to prostate trouble.
Before you move on, give yourself a dick over, looking for any open sores or uninvited insects.

The poop scoop
Now have a go at number two. A healthy bowel movement is dark brown and torpedo shaped. Other types may signal problems. If your stool floats, there may be too much fat in your diet. If it’s very light brown, there may be too much of the healthy bacteria that line your colon. If it’s whitish, bile may not be finding its way to your intestine, a symptom of gallstones or liver disease. If your stool is tinged with red, you have blood in your colon, which may mean anything from hemorrhoids to cancer. If it’s charcoal colored, you may be bleeding higher up in your intestine, a possible ulcer. Don’t sweat the runs unless they last more than three days.(I'm an expert with the GI tract having worked at LRMC GI Clinic)

Bust your balls
Stumble into the shower and grope around below your gut. Now that your scrotum is warm and fully extended, it’s time to check for testicular cancer, the number one cancer found in men under 35. Lather up, then roll each feller ’tween your thumb and first two fingers. “They should feel like two hard-boiled eggs without the shellsmooth, firm, and not tender,” says COL. Danoff.

You may discover some harmless lumps, pimples, moles, or the soft bump where an epididymis protrudes from each testicle. Larger bumps could signal a cyst in an epididymis or in a sebaceous gland, or even a vari cocele (a group of varicose veins that feels like a bag of worms). If you find any tender spots or mysterious lumps or discover that your balls are missing call a doc or join the Vienna Boys Choir.

Get the skinny
Dry off and inspect your skin, all 18 square feet of it. “Melanoma is the fastest-growing cancer, and it can hit people in their 20s and 30s,” says LTC. Barry Goldman, of Walter Reed.

Look everywhere for the following, raised translucent growths (possible basal cell carcinoma), dark moles that have irregular borders (possible melanoma), and itchy red sores that never heal (possible squamous cell carcinoma). When you’re done, sit down and have a cup of coffee. If you’ve passed these tests, congrats, you’re in fine health (bottoms up!). If not, don’t panic. You’re probably taking the wrong vitamins. Sober up and go see your doc.

24 April 2006

Interpret Your Dreams

Because sometimes a cigar is just a cigar. And sometimes it means you want to slaughter your PLT Daddy.

One moment you’re happily stranded on a desert island with a buxom blonde; the next you’re being chased by an angry mob of Peter Lorre look alikes wielding hideously large Vienna sausages. No wonder you wake up in the morning and think, What was that all about? Though the meanings of dreams largely vary with personal experience, the interpretations of certain symbols are universal. “Symbols in dreams are like symbols in literature and mythology,” explains COL. Morton J. Aronson, Doctor of
Psychiatry at TAMC . “They are fixed characteristics of the human mind.” Here are six of the most common themes, decoded for your convenience.

Anything that can be entered, including tunnels, doorways, bureau drawers, and especially mossy little caves, represents, duh, female genitalia. Your unconscious is trying to tell you what your buddies have been saying all along. You need more action, and not the kind you get from watching Jackie Chan.

If you’re being chased, you’re running away from something that is unconquerable or avoiding a confrontation. It’s time to tell your girlfriend that if the Kajagoogoo records have to go, she has to go, too.

Dreaming of little green non Irishmen means either you fell asleep during The X-Files again or you’re feeling a little unsure of your surroundings. It can also be an indication that some outside force is invading your life. If the aliens are accompanied by memory loss and chronic rectal pain, however, you should really consult a physician.

A calm stretch of water stands for the original wading pool, the maternal womb, and signifies safety and comfort (you lucky bastard). Turbulent water, on the other hand, can mean there’s a disruptive force in your environment or that you feel overwhelmed. Buying into fewer pyramid schemes and dating sane women should clear this right up.

A Wile E. Coyote style drop off a cliff generally denotes instability in your life, but a free fall with no clear beginning or end represents a lack of connection to the world around you. It also means you should consider installing guardrails on your bunk bed.

Persistent nightmare in which you brutally murder all your coworkers
Don’t worry, you’re a sane and well adjusted individual. Now get back to cleaning your M4.
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