21 April 2006

Live On Your Couch

Can’t afford a weekend in the Caribbean? Try your living room.

A good couch is like a second womb, but did you know it’s also an excellent destination for a cheap weekend getaway? Sure, you’ve spent quality time with your couch, maybe even spent the night, but are you ready for 48 consecutive hours of pure, unproductive loafing?

Keep garments lightweight and loose fitting. Don’t bother changing clothes, who are you trying to impress? Though a weekend of sloth won’t reduce all your muscle mass to flab, you should change your position hourly to prevent bedsores.

Food and drink
Plant packaged snack foods around the couch, as they have a long shelf life and will provide you with valuable salt and oil. Program your cell phone with the number of a nearby Domino’s for emergency pizza; in a pinch they’ll deliver right to your immobile carcass. You’ll also want to arrange for a steady supply of bottled beverages, for reasons we’ll discuss below.

Waste management
Old number one is easy. Just keep a lot of empty bottles within reach. But solids present some logistical problems. Stick to a low fiber diet, balancing your meals with the occasional binder, like soda crackers. Imodium AD should keep you constipated throughout the weekend; just make sure to have a strong laxative and War and Peace on hand for Monday morning.

Legal issues
Since you’ll effectively drop off the face of the earth for two days, there’s a slight risk that someone (your mother, PLT SGT, bartender, bookie, etc.) will panic and call Missing Persons or AWOL. So unless you want the MP's crashing through your door, be a good son and soldier and let Ma and PLT Daddy know you’re potatoing it for the weekend.

19 April 2006

Who Farted?

Right Beer, Right Now

From light to might, I’ve got the brews you can use.

Sam Adams Millennium
Alcohol by volume: 20%
Style: Strong Ale
Home: Boston

Thomas Hardy’s Ale
Alcohol by volume: 12%
Style: Barley wine
Home: South England

Dogfish Head Immort Ale
Alcohol by volume: 11%
Style: Ale
Home: Lewes, DE

Sierra Nevada Pale Ale
Alcohol by volume: 5.6%
Style: Pale ale
Home: Chico, CA

Molson Ice
Alcohol by volume: 5.6%
Style: Ice beer
Home: Montreal

Alcohol by volume: 5%
Style: Watery lager
Home: St. Louis

Sam Adams Boston Lager
Alcohol by volume: 4.75%
Style: Lager
Home: Boston

Miller Lite
Alcohol by volume: 4.5%
Style: Pilsner
Home: Milwaukee

Guinness Extra Stout
Alcohol by volume: 4.3%
Style: Dry stout
Home: Dublin

Vicks NyQuil
Alcohol by volume: 10%
Style: Medicinal brew
Home: Greensboro, NC

17 April 2006

Keep It In Your Pants

Face it soldiers, Doesn’t your protection deserve protection?

Big date tonight. You’ve got the snappy suit, you’ve got the shiny shoes, you’ve got your rap down. Chances of scoring: excellent.

So…where do you put the condom?

You could stick it in your wallet, but that telltale O ring stands for oversexed and desperate. You could shove it in a pocket, but nothing kills the mood like pulling out a wad of cash to pay for dinner and having everybody see what you’re planning for dessert. Or you could carry one of these discreet condom caddies, specially designed jimmy hat carrying cases. Now when you go looking for love, you’ll always know you’ve got a glove.

The Retro Condom Case looks like a cigarette case, but don’t try to smoke its contents, I’ve been told that this makes the condom somewhat less effective. Capacity: 3 ($22-$30; www.condomania.com)

Want to create a dangerous allure? The Protecto Pager will make her suspect you’re a drug dealer. Capacity: 3 ($10; 800-9condom)

“This is beautiful. What is this, velvet?” The “velvet pouch” is a substantial bag rather than a case. Good for week long camping trips. Capacity: 1–2 dozen ($2.50; www.condomsexpress.com or 800-57-condom)

The Black Leather Unisex looks like a miniature wallet, so try to avoid stuffing it with miniature convenience store receipts. Capacity: 1–2 ($15; www.codomcases.com)
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