15 April 2006


I know it needs to be done, by why am I so damn nervous about a strike against Iran?

14 April 2006

Treat A Gunshot Wound

Do you feel lucky, punk? If not, you’d better be prepared.

It’s time to bone up on your triage.

Think fast
A victim’s odds of survival skyrocket if he gets help within the hour. Call for the Medic before you start playing Doc, so the real deal can take over as soon as possible. You’ll still get hero status.

Secure the scene
The first thing to ask is ‘Where’s the gunman?’” says Buck Sergeant Skip. Don’t jump in until you’ve scanned the area for remaining Hajis. If you get shot too, nobody in their right mind’s going to save you.

Immobilize the victim
Once you’re safe, keep the victim still so he doesn’t aggravate his wounds. “The best way to immobilize the patient is to lightly support his head and keep it in alignment with the rest of his body,” Buck Sergeant Skip says. If your bleeder won’t quit freaking, grab his testicles in your fist and tell him to cut the shit now. (You didn't hear that from me)

Check bleeding and breathing
Until the FLA shows up, congrats, you’re a doctor. If you’re not sure the patient’s breathing, pinch his nose, tilt his head back, and gently force some air into his lungs (in a manly sort of way, of course). He’s breathing normally? Check his body, Bullets have to go somewhere, so look for entrance and exit wounds. (The Warren Commission will review your findings.) If you can’t dig up bandages, use anything that is handy, such as a pair of smiley boxers to apply firm pressure on top of the wound. Reassure the poor sap that everything’s going to be OK. Then fix your hair and call your mom and tell her you’re going to be on the six o’clock news.

13 April 2006

How To Spot A Bad Beer

Make the bartender listen to your pathetic whining and get you a decent brew.

There are few things sadder than a beer gone bad. When you’re served one at a tavern, you are right to expect a replacement. But as with getting a raise or a humdinger, it’s all in the way you ask. "If you don’t properly explain what’s wrong, the bartender will tell you it tastes the way it’s supposed to taste," says SFC Norbnecht, PLT SGT and a beer lover. Here’s how to get yourself a new beer without being left to cry in your old one.

Beer smells like road kill
Reason: Skunking
What to tell the bartender: Your beer has been lightstruck. Given enough time, anything from bright sunshine to fluorescent lights can alter the hops in a beer, creating an unholy stench. Brown bottles offer some protection from this problem; green or clear ones provide little to none. (Beer in kegs won’t skunk.)

Beer is cloudier than George W. Bush’s memory
Reason: Various brewing mishaps
What to tell the bartender: Though lightly filtered beer may have yeast floating around, this won’t necessarily ruin the taste. But excess finings brewing ingredients ranging from gelatin to fish bladders, may not have been completely removed. Unless you specifically ordered a bottle of Old Carp Innards, you don’t want to be drinking them.

Beer tastes like postcoital sweat from Ron Jeremy’s buttocks
Reason: Spoilage or simply a bad batch
What to tell the bartender: A wet cardboard taste means your beer has oxidized your brew’s been sitting around the bar longer than Norm from Cheers. A butterscotch flavor means it’s got too much of the brewing byproduct diacetyl. A hint of Band Aids means the beer is overly phenolic, another problem caused by improper brewing. A subtle urine flavor? That’s probably just urine.

12 April 2006

Lying Game

Hard to spot your girls fibs long distance? Not anymore.

You saw your gal in a lip lock with a guy at the party and walked home alone. She calls to explain, he was simply saving her from choking by loosening her clothing and trying to dislodge the gumball stuck in her throat with his tongue. Sounds plausible enough, but… Now you can finally take the guesswork out of trust with the You Lying Slut Agency (1-976-You-Lying-Slut). The service silently connects to any phone conversation and, for $5.99 a minute, puts the call through a lie detector. Afterward it gives you the lowdown. I decided to have PV2 Wilson to test it with a real call to his ex-wife.

PV2 Wilson: So how are you doing?
Anna: Why are you calling me?
PV2 Wilson: I was just curious to know if you were thinking about me. LIE
Anna: Well, no, I’m not. I haven’t once thought about what a complete asshole you were. TRUTH
PV2 Wilson: Ouch. Why would you say that? My memories of you are all fond. LIE
Anna: Mmm-hmm. [Sarcastic tone enters conversation, possibly throwing off results] Did you know I invented the Internet? LIE
PV2 Wilson: Well, I’m really just calling to say hi. LIE What are you up to?
Anna: I’m dating someone now. A male model, if you must know. LIE
[Yes!] He’s great, very attentive to my needs. LIE
PV2 Wilson: What’s that supposed to mean?
Anna: Oh, Jesus. I’m not going to have this conversation with you. TRUTH So are you still in the fucking Army?
PV2 Wilson: I am. They pay me too much to walk away. LIE,OFF THE CHARTS
Anna: You must be very proud. LIE
PV2 Wilson: Right. I’ve really enjoyed talking to you. LIE We should have dinner sometime.
Anna: I don’t think so. TRUTH See ya. LIE

10 April 2006

Get Thinner Without Trying

All of that partying has left its mark on your gut. But with minimal effort, you can drop pounds faster than you can drop trou.

First the good news: “Just existing you burn about 2,000 calories per day,” swears CPT. Raftin, PA for 1-21 INF. And let’s hope you do more over the course of a day than merely breathe. To keep weight off you simply need to burn more calories than you take in. Here are some easy fixes.

Stop scouring.
Park your car a couple of extra blocks from the office. Not only will you save time searching for the perfect spot, but you’ll actually lose inches. Walking from the car to your office at three miles per hour: 36 calories per six minutes.

Chomp at the bit.
Chewing gum burns calories, strengthens your jaw, and tightens the flab under your chin, plus it gives you the added bonus of clean, fresh breath. More important it keeps your mouth busy so you can walk past that vending machine without drooling. Trident gum: 5 calories, 0 grams of fat.
Snickers bar: 280 calories, 14 grams of fat.

Love ’em and leave ’em.
Forget what your mommy taught you: There’s no need to wipe your plate clean, especially when you’re eating crap. Leaving those cold fries at the bottom of the bag, or ordering a small rather than a large, will help keep you thin.
Small McDonald’s fries: 10 grams of fat.
Super size: 26 grams.
Eight uneaten fries: 3 grams.

Clean up your act.
Those nacho crumbs and piles of unwashed underwear may be just fine for you and the roaches, but they won’t fly with your lady friend. Vacuuming, dusting, or even redecorating shaves off 42 to 50 calories every 10 minutes, while making your place look like a home instead of a pit.

Do the Humpty Dance.
Here’s the sex excuse you’ve been waiting for. Making an extra trip to the bedroom each day can deflate that spare tire. Each minute spent kissing, stroking, and groping burns two calories; intercourse itself burns six calories a minute. And sex as exercise is the gift that keeps on giving. The better shape you’re in, the stronger your libido becomes, the more sex you have, the more calories you burn. Now, that’s an endless spiral we can handle.
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