07 April 2006

Fletch Drinking Game

Boy, what in the hell is the matter with you?

Remember a time when Mr. Chase actually made you laugh. There was Caddyshack, National Lampoon’s Vacation, and Spies Like Us, but none could compare to Fletch. The most quotable movie ever made is a must have for any self respecting movie collection. So sit back, pop open a can of Coors, garnishee your wages, and prepare to laugh yourself into drunken stupor.

The Rules:
Chill a generous reserve of your favorite vintage of beer. Keep a bottle of vodka, tequila, or gin nearby. (This is just a good idea anytime.) Pop Fletch into the DVD player and settle into the ass groove of your couch. Order a pizza and charge it to Mr. Underhill's credit card.

Take One Drink When:
*Fletch uses any of the following identities: Ted Nugent, Arnold Babar, Dr. Rosenpenis, Mr. Poon, Harry S. Truman, Igor Stravinsky, or John Cocktolstoyln.

*Fletch charges something to Mr. Underhill’s account.

*He uses a disguise (false teeth, doctor’s scrubs, bandages, wigs).

*Larry assists him in any way (researching, scratching that hard to reach place on his back). Take an extra drink when she does both simultaneously. (Hint: Microfilm)

*He uses a random Spanish phrase. (Example: Sierra del fuego.)

*He gets his visit from Arnold T. Pants, Esq.

*Provo, Utah is mentioned. (“It’s between Wyoming and Nevada. You’ve seen pictures.”)

*He uses lingo to cover his ass. (Example: “He said he had melanoma, carcinoma…some kind of anoma.”)

*He mentions his byline, Jane Doe.

*Chick Hearn and Kareem Abdul-Jabar discuss Fletch’s mad b-ball skills. (“This gritty kid from the streets of Harlem really creates excitement.”)

*Fletch actually shows up at the newspaper office. Do an extra drink every time

*Frank, his editor, yells at him.

*He says, “Can I borrow your towel? My car just hit a water buffalo.”

*He makes any mention of the Lakers.

*He goes back to his apartment “for a second wind of beer and a wardrobe change.”

*Every time Fat Sam uses the term “free junk.”

*He asks for “a glass of hot fat, and the head of Alfredo Garcia.”

*Any reference is made to bone cancer.

*Anyone or anything gets whacked with a tennis racket. (It happens twice.)

*You see a Stanwyk wedding photo anywhere (on desks, in photo albums, etc.)

*Fletch uses his “service entrance.”

*He tells Gail to call him Fletch.

Take Two Drinks When:
*Fletch tells Gail to call him Irwin.

*Gummy gets arrested.

*You hear the phrase “no, never, never.” (Hint: It happens twice, one involves a tape recorder.)

*He says, “It’s so simple, maybe you need a refresher course HIIAA! It’s all ball bearings nowadays!”

*Chief Karlin threatens to kill him.

*He mentions his story about “off track betting in the Himalayas.”

*He shows a photo of the Mormon Tabernacle.

*He offers to buy Frank some new deodorant.

*You see a blownup newspaper with the headline, “Leftovers are Haute Cuisine?”

*You see the ugly dog photo over his bed.

Do a Shot When:
*Maurice and Pierre Cavanaugh are mentioned.

*Alan Stanwyk wears a Lakers jersey.

*He tells Arnold T. Pants to “get [himself] a nice piece of ass.”

*You see the “Mr. Potato Head” TV commercial. (Hint: Igor Stravinsky.)

*Fletch says, “…that pederast, Hanerhan.”

*Fletch sings his version of “Strangers in the Night.” (“Strangers in my pants…”)

Finish Every Remaining Drop of Alcohol in Your Possession If:
You can’t get the theme song “Bit by Bit” out of your head an hour after you finished watching. (Have you heard the news?/Makin’ all the headlines/Fletch is workin’ overtiiiiiiiiiiiimme!)

05 April 2006

Cheat At Poker

You gotta know when to hold ’em, when to fold ’em, and when to slip an ace.

There is one surefire way to cheat at poker, win, and still keep your balls. Play with a blind threesome. Short of that, here are some tips that may help you the next time you’re dealt a rotten hand.

The Top Hand
“The easiest way to cheat is to cheat with somebody,” says Sgt. Townsand, the 5-14 Cav pro player and the highest money winner this weekend at my house. The “top hand” method of fleecing the unsuspecting is to play in cahoots with someone at the table. You signal your partner to figure out which one of you has the better hand. The one with the weaker hand folds, and the other stays in the game. Basically you’re sharing the same pot of cash and screwing the rest of the table.

Holding Cards Out
Do this right and you’re worthy of the title cardsharp. If the ace of spades shows up in a hand that otherwise sucks, slip the ace up your sleeve before throwing down your hand. “I’ve seen people hold out like you’d never know,” Sgt. Townsandsays. But do this in a casino and expect to have your head squeezed in a vise till your eyeballs pop. Casinos change colored decks every half hour, and the dealer counts the cards often.

Short the Pot
Those of you who steal tips off bars and shortchange Girl Scouts will do well on this one. When you ante up, hold back a chip. Remember to throw the chips into the pile in the center, preventing anyone from counting them. Throwing chips onto the table is called splashing the pot and, of course, is illegal in casinos.

The Cold Deck
This one requires steady hands. Have a stacked deck on your lap, with the cards arranged to give everyone a decent hand and you the best. After shuffling the deck in your hand, switch it with the “cold deck” on your lap. This works only if the decks match or if the rest of the table is so blitzed, they wouldn’t catch on if you’d dealt them stale potato chips.

03 April 2006

Am I Insane?

Voices telling you to wipe your butt with ham again? Hell, we all go a little crazy sometimes. Here’s how to know whether to chill out or check in.

Ever stood by a window and thought Why not jump and end it all? Or wanted to make a trench coat out of your boss’ epidermis? Yeah, me, too. Odds are you’re not nuts, just stressed out. But part of being sane is recognizing that your mind needs an occasional checkup.

So in an effort to keep us all out of straitjackets, I've identified symptoms most guys suffer from at some point, minor mental glitches that usually go away with some massaging or a good screw. Unless of course you really are descending into madness.

Symptom: Parties and public speaking make you want to puke.
You may have: Butterflies
Unless it’s: Social anxiety disorder! Chances are you have every reason to be nervous. Making a presentation to Officers or Upper Enlisted? Your pits should run like faucets. You get nauseous when introduced to a woman? Breasts can have that effect, especially when history tells you that your attempts at being clever are one Freudian slip away from a knee to the balls. But this isn’t serious if a scotch is enough to help you swallow your fear. People with real anxiety problems have trouble leaving their houses, explains COL. Michael Wagner, a psychiatrist on Schofield Barracks, HI. “We’re talking panic that can peak in 10 minutes, causing intense sweating, vomiting, and numbness.” Sound like you? No? Then you’re fine. If that bigwig presentation makes you sweat, take a minute to visualize the event going well. If that doesn’t help, get a prescription for Propranolol or Ativan, medications a lot of performers use to get rid of butterflies.

Symptoms: You fear germs wherever you can’t smell bleach; you use coasters.
You may have: A little German in you
Unless it’s: Obsessive-compulsive disorder! Let’s face it, some guys are so uptight, they need a shoehorn to take a crap. “A lot of people have obsessive personality traits, but that’s not a disorder,” explains COL. Wagner. The characteristic becomes a disorder when it impairs daily functioning, he says (examples: Silkwood-style hand washings and hourlong shoe-tying rituals). If this rings a bell, Prozac and Zoloft can help. But for lots of guys, relaxation exercises (deep breathing, yoga) can help loosen those cheeks. Once you’ve learned that you don’t need to waterpick your molars hourly, you’ll sleep easier.

Symptoms: You lose stuff; you can’t focus; you can’t sit still.
You may have: A little problem setting priorities
Unless it’s: Attention deficit disorder! So your attention span sucks, eh? Chances are MTV has shredded your mental endurance like a log in a wood chipper. “So many things in today’s society cause distractions,” says Major Dave M. Davis, an TAMC psychiatrist. “A lot of adults come in thinking ADD is the reason why they can’t get anything done.” But shrinks estimate that only 10 percent of the population has ADD (most of whom respond to drugs like Ritalin and Wellbutrin). So if you can’t make it through a quickie without stopping to check your E-mail, you probably just need discipline. Try making a list of things to do and ordering them according to importance. And cut down on the ganja.

Symptom: You can’t sleep, but you’re too lethargic to get out of bed or take a shower.
You may have: A hangover
Unless it’s: Clinical depression! Reality: You got loaded last night, and your boss is pissed because you showed up at noon. That’s depressing. And what better way to wash away the blues than a little happy hour? Alcohol is a cyclical drug, says Jody Scott, an ASAP therapist and addiction counselor. “You feel better when you’re drinking,” she says, “but it’s a central-nervous-system depressant. When it wears off, you feel worse than when you started.” If you’re in a funk, laying off the sauce for a week may whip your ass into gear. “But if you’re clinically depressed, the symptoms don’t go away,” says LTC. Marc Graff, a TAMC psychiatrist. “You don’t enjoy anything, not even drinking.”

Symptoms: You have boundless energy; challenging the laws of gravity seems like fun.
You may have: Balls
Unless it’s: Bipolar disorder! That Y chromosome responsible for your penis also makes guys want to risk their asses for glory. Bungee jumpers and Wall Street high rollers share with bipolar patients a need for thrills and sometimes the consequences as well (jail, the doghouse, etc.). “There’s most probably a biochemical connection,” says LTC. Graff. “The difference is, if you’re bipolar [also called manic-depressive], you’ll never get your fix.” So if you’ve maxed out your credit cards in Vegas and totaled every car you’ve ever owned, you’re probably just reckless. Make sure you’ve got a good insurance policy (if you can manage that, you’re not insane). If your thrill rides last for weeks and involve bizarre behavior (naked in public is a tip-off), odds are you’re manic, and you’ll be the last to know. Hopefully your pals will give you a ride to the funny farm before it’s too late.
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