31 March 2006

Be A Cunning Linguist

When describing this act, you don’t want to be tongue tied

1 Yodel down the valley: Gunter was too tired to talk, having spent most of the day yodeling down the valley.

2 Dine at the Y: Despite the dinners men bought her, Jen preferred to dine at the Y.

3 Go pearl fishing: Gorton refused to go pearl fishing, saying he’d never liked oysters.

4 Eat mutton: “He accidentally bit his tongue while eating mutton,” Gwen told the surgeon as blood poured from Jim’s mouth.

5 Talk to the canoe driver: “I wanted to explore Venice,” Jarrod said forlornly, “but I spent most of the trip just talking to the canoe driver.”

6 Sneeze in the basket: “I didn’t mind that he was a midget,” said Mrs. Kersten, “because he could sneeze in the basket without bending down.”

7 Munch carpet: Amy’s dog wasn’t housebroken, but he sure could munch carpet.

29 March 2006

Rules Of Manhood

HHT 5-14 Cav Reaper Medics Rules of Manhood

1: Under no circumstances may two men share an umbrella.

2: It is OK for a man to cry ONLY under the following circumstances:
(a) When a heroic dog dies to save its master.
(b) The moment Angelina Jolie starts unbuttoning her blouse.
(c) After wrecking your boss' car.
(d) One hour, 12 minutes, 37 seconds into "The Crying Game".
(e) When she is using her teeth.

3: Any Man who brings a camera to a bachelor party may be legally
killed and eaten by his buddies.

4: Unless he murdered someone in your family, you must bail a friend out
of jail within 12 hours.

5: If you've known a guy for more than 24 hours, his sister is off limits
forever unless you actually marry her.

6: Moaning about the brand of free beer in a buddy's fridge is forbidden.
However complain at will if the temperature is unsuitable.

7: No man shall ever be required to buy a birthday present for another man.
In fact, even remembering your buddy's birthday is strictly optional. At
that point, you must celebrate at a strip bar of the birthday boy's choice.

8: On a road trip, the strongest bladder determines pit stops, not the weakest.

9: When stumbling upon other guys watching a sporting event, you may ask the
score of the game in progress, but you may never ask who's playing.

10: You may flatulate in front of a woman only after you have brought her to
climax. If you trap her head under the covers for the purpose of flatulent
entertainment, she's officially your girlfriend.

11: It is permissible to drink a fruity alcohol drink only when you're sunning
on a tropical beach... and it's delivered by a topless model and only when
it's free.

12: Only in situations of moral and/or physical peril are you allowed to kick
another guy in the nuts.

13: Unless you're in prison, never fight naked.

14: Friends don't let friends wear Speedos. Ever! Issue closed.

15: If a man's fly is down, that's his problem, you didn't see anything.

16: Women who claim they "love to watch sports" must be treated as foreign
spies until they demonstrate knowledge of the game and the ability to
drink as much as the other sports watchers.

17: A man in the company of a hot, suggestively dressed woman must remain
sober enough to fight.

18: Never hesitate to reach for the last beer or the last slice of pizza, but
not both, that's just greedy.

19: If you compliment a guy on his six-pack, you'd better be talking about
his choice of beer.

20: Never join your girlfriend or wife in discussing a friend of yours, except
if she's withholding sex pending your response.

21: Phrases that may NOT be uttered to another man while lifting weights:
(a) Yeah, Baby, Push it!
(b) C'mon, give me one more! Harder!
(c) Another set and we can hit the showers!

22: Never talk to a man in a bathroom unless you are on equal footing:
i.e., both urinating, both waiting in line, etc. For all other situations,
an almost imperceptible nod is all the conversation you need.

23: Never allow a telephone conversation with a woman to go on longer than
you are able to have sex with her. Keep a stopwatch by the phone. Hang up
if necessary.

24: The morning after you and a girl who was formerly "just a friend" have
carnal, drunken monkey sex, the fact that you're feeling weird and guilty is
no reason for you not to nail each other again before the discussion about
what a big mistake it was occurs.

25: It is acceptable for you to drive her car. It is not acceptable for her to
drive yours.

26: Thou shalt not buy a car in the colors of brown, pink, lime green, orange
or sky blue.

27: The girl who replies to the question "What do you want for Christmas?"
with "If you loved me, you'd know what I want!" She gets an Xbox. End of story.

28: There is no reason for guys to watch Ice Skating or Men's Gymnastics. Ever.


We've all heard about people having guts or balls. But do you really know
the difference between them? In an effort to keep you informed, the definition
of each is listed below.

"GUTS" is arriving home late after a night out with the guys, being
assaulted by your wife with a broom, and having the guts to say, "Are
you still cleaning or are you flying somewhere?"

"BALLS" is coming home late after a night out with the guys smelling of
perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife on the ass
and having the balls to say, "You're next!"


We hope this clears up any confusion.

27 March 2006

I Got a Shellacking

How to explain getting your ass handed to you.

1. Open a can of whup ass: I wised off to Wallace one time too many, and he opened a can of whup ass on me.

2. Ho check: I let my subscription to Hustler run out, and the staff came to my office and ho checked me. But you know what? I sorta liked it.

3. Take out back: Bruno did not appreciate the bottle of Massengill I sent to his mom, so he took me out back.

4. Give the business: Frankie and his boys gave me the business just because his son happens to look like me.

5. Rodney King: So I’m peeking into the changing room at Victoria’s Secret, and four rent a cops rush in and Rodney King me.

6. Paint the ground red: I told James I saw his sister on farmsex.com, and then I promptly painted the ground red.

7. Beat like a red headed stepchild: I played that Ricky Martin CD at the party, and the crowd beat me like a red headed stepchild.

8. Swallow teeth: My wife caught me pleasuring myself over pictures of her younger sister, and the next thing I knew I was swallowing teeth.
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