24 March 2006

The Golf Ball Toss

It Came from the Third Grade…Pranks so juvenile, they’re funny all over again!

Setup: Stand about 10 feet from a Platoon Sgt. and toss and catch a golf ball in one hand. In your other hand, conceal a wet sheet of white paper wadded up to approximately the size and shape of the golf ball.

Execution: Tell your good ole Plt Sgt. you’re going to toss the ball at his head. Then rear back and chuck the paper wad. Laugh as he ducks and shrieks like a 12-year-old girl at a Ashley Simpson concert.

Why it works: Because even though you announce your intent, he’ll never believe you’d do it. Except for Larry, Moe, and Curly, people don’t expect their subordinates to throw hard objects at their faces.

22 March 2006

The Cold Truth

What’s the quickest way to cool suds? I've tested some methods.

Ever pull a half warm beer from the fridge because you couldn’t wait? Neither have I, but I’ve heard of guys doing it (Brits, mostly) and wanted to contribute toward ending this horrifying practice. To get into that frosty margin (32–40°F) fastest, I subjected our canned swill to various cold treatments. The findings are below.

Plain Old Ice
Method: Trusting the traditional picnic formula, I filled a cooler with a couple of bags of ice, then crammed in some beers.
Beer cold in: 15 min. (39°F)
Upside: Cheap.
Downside: Slow. For 15 minutes of foreplay, one of those beers better blow me later.

Ice Plus Water
Method: I submerged my brewskies in ice water.
Beer cold in: 10 min. (38°F)
Upside: Dump that cooler on a buddy; he’ll know you care.
Downside: Numb hands.

Dry Ice
Method: At –109°F, dry ice can freeze a genital wart off a Wahiawa hooker, should work great.
Beer cold in: 7 min. (35°F)
Upside: Perfect for smoky party effects, and for preserving dismembered limbs.
Downside: Black market kidney suppliers are more common than dry ice dealers, who charge $10 for a bag of the stuff.

Freezer
Method: To gauge how slow the icebox really is, I moved aside a bag o’ bear testicles, and deposited the beers inside.
Beer cold in: 40 min. (39.4°F)
Upside: “Honey, could you grab me a beer while you’re in the kitchen?”
Downside: Takes a year. Forget the beer, and it’ll explode all over your Hot Pockets.

Fire Extinguisher
Method: I heard that the foam of a CO2 fire extinguisher rocks, so I pretended the beers were on fire.
Beer cold in: 4 min. (34°F)
Upside: Extinguishers are easy to “borrow” from the barracks.
Downside: If you get wasted and start a fire, you’ll fry like bacon.

Liquid Nitrogen
Method: I got thermodynamics specialists to immerse a can in the coldest shit known to man.
Beer cold in: 5.9 sec. (33°F)
Upside: You can use the extra LN2 to store your love seed indefinitely.
Downside: “Cooling beer too quickly breaks up its structure and taste,” says Peter E. Gifford of Cryomech, Inc. In other words, your beer rips apart on a molecular level and tastes likes your mammas urine.

20 March 2006

GET OVER THE HUMP

Some people think about sex even more than you do.

Dr. Patrick Carnes, author of Out of the Shadows: Understanding Sexual Addiction, says that as many as 8 percent of American men (but only 3 percent of women) are addicted to sex. Even Mick Jagger’s a victim, the sagging singer sought treatment for sex addiction after reportedly impregnating a Brazilian lingerie model. To determine if you too are hooked, take our quiz.

Is your workday occasionally interrupted by thoughts of sex?

Are your sexual thoughts sometimes interrupted by work?

Do you ever hump your dog’s leg?

Do you like to hang out at the fish market?

Have you ever swum 300 miles upstream to have sex and then die?

If you answered yes to any of these questions, you may have a serious sex addiction. But the cure might be worse, abstinence coupled with a 12-step program. That means sitting in a church basement listening to some woman tell you about all the depraved, anonymous sexual encounters she craves. And you can’t call her. Heroin junkies have it easy.
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