17 March 2006

MILITARY LANGUAGE CONVERSION CHART

NAVY / USMC
ARMY
AIR FORCE


Head
Latrine
Powder Room


Rack
Bunk
Single with ruffle and duvet


Mess Deck / Chow Hall
Mess Hall / Mess Tent
Dining Facility or The Cafe'


"Cookie", stew burner
Mess Cook
Contract Chef


Coffee / Mud
Cup of Joe
Vanilla Skim Latte'


Bug Juice
Kool-Aid
Shirley Temple


Utilities / Digitals
BDUs / ACUs
Casual Wear


Seaman / Private
Private
Bobby / Jimmy


Chief / Gunny
Sergeant
Bob / Jim


Captain / Skipper
Colonel
Robert / James


Captain's Mast
Article 15
Time Out


Berthing / Barracks
Barracks
Apartment


Skivvies / U-Trau
Underwear
Undies


Thrown in the Brig
Put in Confinement
Grounded


Zoom Bag
Flight Suit
Business Casual


Cover / Head Gear
Beret
Optional


Ship's Store / BX
PX
AAFES Shopping Mall


TAD
TDY
PCS with family


Cruise / Afloat
Deploy
Huh?


Ground Grabbers
Athletic Shoes
Flip-Flops


Die for your Country
Die for your Battle Buddy
Die for Air Conditioning


Shipmate / Marine
Battle Buddy
Don't Ask, Don't Tell or Honey


Terminate / Kill
Take Out
Back on Base for Happy Hour


Boon Dockers
Jump Boots
Birkenstocks


Low Quarters
Low Quarters
Patent Leather Pumps


SEAL
SF/Ranger
Librarian


Shore Patrol / MPs
MPs
SF


Hoo-Rah!
Hoo-ah!
Hip-Hip hurray!


MRE
MRE
Happy Meal To Go


Salute
Salute
Wave


Obstacle Course
Confidence Course
Class VI Parking Lot


Grinder / Drill Field
Parade Field
What?


Ge-Dunk
Snack Bar
Chuck E. Cheese


PT Test
APFT
"No conversion available"


Dept. of the Navy
DoD
DoD Lite


Midshipman
Cadet
Debutant


Hard-Core
Strak
"Way Too Serious"

16 March 2006

The Truth Is Out There…

Remember: It’s not the size of your poll, but who answers it.

A couple of months ago, I asked some of the wonderful women I met on Kam HWY in Wahiawa about sex and dating. Well, they answered all right bluntly enough to make Gallup’s poll curl. But you’ll be surprised to hear the answers from the 14 ladies who jam up traffic at night along this fabled highway as they tackled my questions about body hair, one night stands, and porn movies. Seems they really do think the eyes are the windows on the soul, most say porn makes them hot (so hold on to those copies of Hard Action Amateurs and play the odds…), and, perhaps most importantly, those high class women in Wahiawa say it really is the motion in the ocean that counts. So, read on and get the word from the experts themselves, then go forth among them and prosper.

1. Which feature do you first notice about a man?
a) His wallet 72%
b) His eyes 14%
c) His hands 8%
d) His butt 6%

2. If you accept a drink from a guy, what does that mean?
a) Sex, if he doesn’t blow it 92%
b) I’m at least casually interested 2%
c) I’m in a wait and see mode 2%
d) I’m thirsty and/or broke 4%

3. What is an absolute no-no topic on a first date?
a) His family 0%
b) Ex girlfriends 6%
c) Sports 6%
d) Nothing is off limits 86%

4. What kind of rental should a new guy come to your place with?
a) Something romantic,it shows he’s thinking of me 6%
b) A guy movie, I want him to be his own man 66%
c) A neutral comedy, it shows he’s willing to compromise 28%

5. How long after a first date should a guy wait to call you?
a) The next morning 0%
b) 24 hours 0%
c) 72 hours 35%
d) Never call 65%

6. What is the best way to approach you at a bar?
a) With a funny pick up line 16%
b) With hinting eye contact and flirting 17%
c) With a drink 9%
d) Waving a $20 bill at me 59%

7. What turns you off most when spending the night at his apartment?
a) Dirty dishes in the sink 6%
b) A filthy bathroom 77%
c) Dirty laundry on the floor 11%
d) Dust bunnies all over 6%

8. If you’ve ever had a one night stand, what did the guy do that sealed the deal for you?
a) Told a joke I couldn’t resist or did something irresistibly cute and chivalrous 11%
b) Got me so drunk I couldn’t stand up 41%
c) I was hungry for a quickie, and he was just in the right place at the right time 48%
d) I’ve never had a one night stand 0%

9. What is your biggest problem with bedroom partners?
a) Selfishness 10%
b) Falling asleep after sex 24%
c) Unimaginative under the sheets 66%

10. When you are interested in a guy, you (check all that apply)
a) Laugh at his stupid jokes 54%
b) Touch him lightly on the shoulder and leg 66%
c) Look him directly in the eye 81%
d) Smile and listen to him 91%

11. What type of personality turns you on the most?
a) Sharp and witty 6%
b) Brilliant and worldly 2%
c) Sweet and sensitive 20%
d) Simple and gullible 72%

12. You would date an older man if he’s (check all that apply)
a) 5 years older 100%
b) 10 years older 100%
c) 20 years older 81%
d) 40 years older 76%

13. Which is the biggest turn on?
a) Wealth 64%
b) Status 34%
c) Sense of humor 1%
d) Relaxed attitude 1%

14. Do you honestly enjoy giving oral sex?
a) Yes 65%
b) No 18%
c) Depends on the guy 0%
d) Only if it’s a two-way street 18%

15. What is the best way for a guy to find out whether or not you’re interested in him?
a) He should sneak around and ask my friends 58%
b) He should be up front and ask me bluntly 9%
c) He should play it cool and see if I make a move 7%
d) He should invite me to a group function and tell everyone else not to show 26%

16) I know a guy is “The One” when he
a) Gets along with my mother/father 18%
b) Gives up his coat when I say I’m cold 4%
c) Offers to fly me to Paris 32%
d) Says I’m sexy first thing in the morning 46%

17. What other areas of your body do you enjoy having touched (besides the obvious)?
a) The nape of my neck 3%
b) My dainty toes 71%
c) My stomach 4%
d) The little web things between my fingers 23%

18. What is the best way to move from being friends to being lovers?
a) Slowly, with both people being open about their feelings 19%
b) Spontaneously, in a rush of emotion 75%
c) I’d never date a friend 7%

19. Can a man ever suggest a threesome without ruining your relationship?
a) I’m interested, but it would have to be the perfect guy, timing, and situation 46%
b) I’m a little intrigued, kinda sorta 22%
c) Under no circumstances would I consider a threesome, but I wouldn’t break up with him for suggesting one 20%
d) I’d be offended enough to break up 13%

20. When should a man expect you to come home with him?
a) After the first date 69%
b) After the second date 18%
c) After the third date 10%
d) After we’re married 3%

21. Your honest opinion about porn is
a) It’s funny 32%
b) It’s demeaning 6%
c) It’s boring 2%
d) It gets me hot 60%

22) How important is penis size?
a) Very important 9%
b) Not important 9%
c) It’s what you do with it that matters 51%
d) It depends on the lover 31%

23. After a fight, you only make up if he
a) Grovels at my feet 23%
b) Buys me a bouquet of flowers and cooks me dinner 0%
c) Hands me his credit card and says “Go crazy” 55%
d) Cries 19%

24. What music gets you in the mood?
a) Jazz 0%
b) Hip-hop 11%
c) Classic rock 76%
d) Top 40 13%

25. It’s time to break up when
a) He starts choosing his friends over me 17%
b) He starts breaking promises 16%
c) He stops wanting to have sex 59%
d) He stops trying to be romantic 8%

26. What is the creepiest thing a guy can do on a first date?
a) Call you the day before, every hour on the hour, “just to say hi” 0%
b) Show you a bizarre tattoo in an intimate place (i.e. his last girlfriend’s face on his inner thigh) 22%
c) Mention marriage five minutes into the conversation 28%
d) Take you to see his sister “dance” at a nearby club 0%

27. Does body hair turn you on?
a) Oh, my God, YES! 47%
b) I like a hairy chest, but not a hairy back 47%
c) Not at all, it’s disgusting 6%

Vomit, Hurl, Boot…

Additional terms for the Technicolor yawn.

1 Air one’s belly: Seeing his 65 year old parents engaged in vigorous anal sex filled Dennis with an urge to air his belly.

2 Laugh at the carpet: And Elvis laughed at the carpet, and then he died.

3 Reverse gears: I knew Lt. Schwartz was a Nam greenhorn when he reversed gears after Avelar got his face blown off.

4 Revisit Wendy’s: That salad bar crap had me revisiting Wendy’s all night long.

5 Park a custard: “You can park a custard all over me, big boy,” said the prostitute who specialized in weird fetishes.

6 Talk on the big white phone: “All Mommy does now is drink gin and talk on the big white phone all day long,” confided young Billy to his imaginary friend.

7 Toss one’s cookies: “Mrs. Weston,” whined Bryan, “Justin is tossing his cookies at me again!”

I'm Baaaaack

I had a little vacation at the NCO Academy Hawaii for 30 days. To simply put it, it was a bunch of crap. A waste of money for the army and a waste of time for me. I kept telling myself its better than being in a combat zone. Oh well, I cant do nothing about it but vent. I'll update more at a future time about what went down there at the good ole East Range school house.
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