26 January 2006

Bert Is Evil

From his topknot to his withered, useless puppet legs, this muppet is bad news.

You probably remember Bert as a harmless, fuzzy yellow guy with a ‘70s sense of style. Sure, his relationship with same sex bedroom partner Ernie was a bit dicey…but evil? Well, surprise, surprise! Turns out that off camera, Bert is secretly a maniacal fiend.

It has been reported the Sesame Street star helped plan strategy with Osama bin Laden, made a porn video with Pamala Anderson, and (most evil of all) sat on the O.J. legal defense team.

In interviews that I have conducted with Elmo, Kermit, and even Ernie testify that the affable Bert is an addict with connections to South American drug smuggling cartels, and that he has abused, threatened, and tried to rape many of his puppet costars. (This article is not even remotely associated with or endorsed by the Sesame Street folks, of course.)

25 January 2006

Spider Wrestling

Two arachnids enter; one arachnid leaves.

Ever wonder what kids do for fun in other countries, at least in other countries where assault rifles aren’t cheap and plentiful? B Troop Medic SPC. Panthohan, originally from the Philippines stated as kids, they would get a couple of big, hairy spiders, put ‘em each on a stick, and make the poor suckers fight to the death, or until one had completely wrapped the other in a silky cocoon. Panthohan stated that they usually housed their best contestants in matchboxes, and a champion can fetch 100 pesos, or $2.40.

Children find many of their spiders in trees, but some claim that areas beneath power lines are the happiest hunting ground, SPC. Panthohan said. In some provinces, spider wrestling had become such a problem that kids would spend hours hunting for good “gladiators” at dawn and dusk, often playing hooky or coming to class late, that at least one school superintendent had banned it outright. I'm betting he changed his mind after he woke up with a severed tarantula head in his bed.

Coming in a few days: Quebec’s turtle hockey, Manhattan’s roach steeplechase, and Dubuque, Iowa’s guinea pig exercise ball demolition derby!

23 January 2006

Annoying Office Signs

From a scientific poll conducted in our Medic's executive latrine, here are the top 10 lame, unfunny office signs.

10. There are two good things about working here: Saturday and Sunday
9. How can I soar with the eagles when I’m surrounded by turkeys?
8. To err is human. To really foul things up requires an Officer
7. Please don’t rush me. I’m making mistakes as fast as I can
6. Answers: 50¢. Correct answers: $1. Dumb looks: free
5. Tell me again how much I love working here. I keep forgetting
4. You want it when?
3. Failure to plan on your part does not constitute an emergency on my part
2. A bad day of golf is better than a good day of work
1. You don’t have to be crazy to work here, but it helps

22 January 2006

Body Shop

Back in the day as a Private in the Army working at Landstuhl Regional Medical Center in Landstuhl, Germany, I witnessed and particpated in a ton of medical procedures. Here are just some of the few things that stuck with me after my time there.

With these instruments, "highly trained" medical professionals such as myself, lol, will dice you, and get medieval on your ass.

Spinal snippers
Bunions are renegade bits of bone that grow into your flesh. Get a bunion on your foot and it’s no big deal. Sprout one on your spine and things get twitchy. To remove a spine bunion, surgeons turn to Kerrison rongeurs. LTC Neff, M.D., a spinal surgeon at BAMC, described the instrument to me as a “big nibbling tool that eats crescent shaped bone bits.” Once the surgeon finds the spur, he grasps it in the tool’s tiny jaws and pulls the trigger. Bunion, begone.

Erector set
It may look like a long, sinister meat thermometer, but when it comes to combating impotence, the Dilamezinsert is perhaps man’s best friend. A urologist inserts the device into your shaft and then slowly, steadily spreads its prongs a half inch apart. This creates a pathway into which he inserts a silicone implant that helps poor Peter stand proud.

Spread ‘em
The human rib cage provides some of the body’’s best armor, faithfully protecting the heart and lungs. During chest surgery, however, ribs are the surgeon’s biggest obstacle. To get by them, he has a choice of methods: cut ’em out or spread ’em apart. Using rib spreaders, he can wrench a 10- to 12-inch-wide gateway between two ribs that gives him ample room to muck around.

Nasal destroyer
These are, essentially, sophisticated nose pickers able to boldly go where no finger has gone before. When a sinus surgeon suspects there’s trouble brewing deep in Schnozland, cancerous tissue or a nasty infection, the nasal forceps get the call. The arm reaches into your nostril; when the surgeon finds the tissue he’s looking for, he grabs it in the three millimeter teeth and takes a bite.

Rear view
Consider the anus, a deep, dark place of mystery, and most of us prefer it that way. But it is a fact of life that there are times when light must be shed on the anus. Enter the proctologist (gently, please), whose job it is to illuminate and preserve all things anal. When duty calls, Dr. Sphincter inserts the long end of the cold stainless steel anoscope five inches into the back door. As he peers through the other end, he can increase his view by widening the cylindrical portion by an inch or more if you can’t resist cracking a proctologist joke.

Brain drain
Neurosurgeons have ingenious tools for getting into your head without messing with it. The cranial drill, for instance, automatically stops burrowing the instant it pierces the cranium. After drilling several minute holes in your nut, the neurosurgeon cuts from one to the next with a tiny saw. Once he’s connected the dots, he can remove a four inch section of skull, just like you’d take the first slice from a pie.

The longest vein in your body is, believe it or not, expendable. Called the saphenous vein, it runs the entire length of your leg; if the valves become congested, the vein gets swollen and painful. To fix the situation, a vascular surgeon uses his trusty vein strippers to simply extract the offending vein. He inserts the plastic wire into the saphenous vein through your foot, then pushes it up, up, up, until it comes out the other end, in your groin. Next he attaches a serrated head to the end of the wire and yanks, removing the wire and rolling it up like a garden hose; the vein slides out with it.
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