20 January 2006

Birds, Birds, Birds

I'm on my lunch break and my wife is upstairs trying to get my son to take his afternoon nap and he is fighting it with all his might. The only way we have been successful lately for him to stay in bed was to tell him little birdies would eat his piggies(feet) if he got up out of his bed. It breaks my heart doing that but the mission does get accomplished. But the question is, will there be any long term side effects with my sons behaviour and attitude toward the bird species? Will he be terribly afraid of them or will he be all hell bent "Jeffrey Dahmer" style to the bird population?

Do You Want This Man As Your Neighbor?


Should President Bush grant clemency to John Walker Lindh, who was 20 years old when he was captured by American forces alongside Taliban fighters in Afghanistan?

19 January 2006

Jailhouse Goods


Once you find the guy on the inside who can "get stuff," it’s a good idea to know what it’ll cost ya.

I asked a former medic from the 28th CSH at Ft.Bragg, currently being inconvenienced at Ft. Levenworth for continuously pissing hot, for the going rates of a variety of goods and services in the only currency that means anything in the big house, cigarettes.

WHAT THE GOODS COST:
Tin of mackerel = 1/2 pack
Bag of rootbeer barrel candies = 1 PACK
Laundry, washed and folded by fellow inmate = 1 1/2 PACK
Copy of Playboy = 2 PACKS
Pint of homeade hooch = 3 packs
Small bag of marijuana = 4 PACKS
Lap dance by fellow inmate = 8 PACKS
Oral sex from fellow inmate = 9 PACKS
Small Boy Toy tattoo = 12 PACKS
Being dragged around by a leash = Priceless

17 January 2006

How To Open A Beer Anywhere

While out at a little get together this weekend, my buddies and I came across that our host had no bottle opener. My bud Townsand and I and a few more beers later Richards came up with these bottle cap popping methods every self respecting beer drinker should master.

Any moron can open a brew with a key or flip the lid off with a table edge. But what if there is no key? Or the only table is a family heirloom? What if you just feel like showing off to your wife or girlfriend? Try these alcohol access techniques that are guranteed to work.

Window Lock - Unlock a window and place the lip of the bottle cap under the lip of the latch. The beer is now upside down. Pull the base of the bottle toward you and down (and quickly, for little spillage).

Bathtub Faucet - Settled into the tub but forgot the opener? Insert the top of the bottle into the spout (make sure the water is turned off, dipshit). Push the base of the bottle away from you and ease the top off.

Belt Buckle - Unbuckle your belt. Put the end of the buckle under the lip of the bottle cap, then pry the cap off. You can also use the "female" part of any door lock just like a belt buckle.

Fire Sprinkler - If no one is around at the Aid Station or whereever you work, just climb up on a chair and use the metal band, or collar, around the emergency sprinkler. (Remember to take the cigarette out of your mouth first.)

Seat Belt - Designate somebody as the sober driver (pray to God you dont draw the short straw), then use the hole in the "male" end of the seat belt to pop the lid off your beer.

Hubcap, Trunk - Use a slot in a hubcap, or pop the trunk and employ the hole in the "male" part of the latch.

Fridge Handle - Put the bottle cap between the handle and the door and slide it down (most refrigerator handles angle toward the door at the bottom) until it sticks. With a quick karate chop, knock it down a bit more, then twist the bottle and the top comes off. (But sometimes the handle breaks too.)

Beauty Tools - Flag down any women sporting a decent manicure. Ask her if she has nail clippers or a cuticle shaper (a device with a pointy metal end) that you can use to loosen the bottle cap all the way around until it slips off. Then offer to split your beer with her.

15 January 2006

Sex Alert

This just in from the Family Planning Perspectives Journal, roughly half of all women who take birth control pills miss at least one pill per cycle. And one out of four skips at least two pills a month. Who cares, right? You do, pal! The FPP folks found that women who miss pills are over 30 times more likely to get pregnant than women who don’t. So remember, before you have sex, make sure she swallows.

Sherlock Holmes Vs. John Holmes

Thursday while at the BAS with the other medics doing Tropic Lightning Training we were pondering on who would win head to head between the two most famous Holmes. So we put a list together and below are the results.

One’s a hugely famous private dick; the other…well, you know.



AUSPICIOUS DEBUT
John Holmes - Johnny Wadd
Sherlock Holmes - “A Study in Scarlet”
Edge: John

BODY OF WORK
John Holmes - Starred, often as ace detective Johnny Wadd, in more than 2,200 adult films.
Sherlock Holmes - Starred as an ace detective in 60 stories by Sir Arthur Conan Doyle
Edge: John

ACCOMPLISHMENTS
John Holmes - Nailed 14,000 women
Sherlock Holmes - Nailed dozens of criminals
Edge: John

SUPERHUMAN ENDOWMENT
John Holmes - A dick like one of those thigh-size steel bolts that seal the doors at NORAD
Sherlock Holmes - A mind like a steel trap
Edge: John

OFTEN ACCOMPANIED BY
John Holmes - An endless parade of contortionist nymphomaniacs
Sherlock Holmes - Dr. Watson
Edge: John

SUBSTANCE ABUSE
John Holmes - Cocaine, marijuana, heroin, alcohol
Sherlock Holmes - Cocaine
Edge: Sherlock

ON DESIREABLE WOMEN
John Holmes - “Love the tongue, honey. Love the tongue.”
Sherlock Holmes - “She’s the daintiest thing under a bonnet on the planet.”
Edge: Sherlock

PIPE SIZE
John Holmes - At least 13 inches
Sherlock Holmes - Six inches, with a hook in the middle
Edge: John

EVIL NEMESIS
John Holmes - AIDS
Sherlock Holmes - Moriarty
Edge: Sherlock

PROTECTION
John Holmes - None (oops)
Sherlock Holmes - Oversize raincoat, goofy hat
Edge: Sherlock

AND THE WINNER IS
Ladies’ man John Holmes

Well, now I'm off to confession. Have a blessed Sunday.
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