12 January 2006

Homeless Advocates Name America's 'Meanest City'


I read a funny article, well, I thought it funny. Does that make me mean spirited? It's about what cities are the meanest toward the homeless. The people that published the report said it was put out so it could help out the homeless in the communities.

The rankings of the top 20 meanest cities in 2005 are based on the following criteria: the number of anti-homeless laws in the city, the enforcement of those laws and severities of penalties, the general political climate toward homeless people in the city, local advocate support for the meanest designation, the city’s history of criminalization measures, and the existence of pending or recently enacted criminalization legislation in the city.

Now if your beloved city is on this list, shame shame on you!

Top 20 Meanest

1. Sarasota, Fla.
2. Lawrence, Kan.
3. Little Rock, Ark.
4. Atlanta
5. Las Vegas
6. Dallas
7. Houston
8. San Juan, Puerto Rico
9. Santa Monica, Calif.
10. Flagstaff, Ariz.
11. San Francisco, Calif.
12. Chicago, Ill.
13. San Antonio, Texas
14. New York City
15. Austin, Texas
16. Anchorage, Alaska
17. Phoenix, Ariz.
18. Los Angeles, Calif.
19. St. Louis, Mo.
20. Pittsburgh, Pa.

11 January 2006

When Your Little Friend Gets Mangled

He is your best friend, always there for you in times of trouble. But take your eyes off him for just one moment and he can find itself in a world of pain. Here’s how to keep your private parts from corporal punishment.

It’s hard to believe that an average guy can have much trouble with his penis. It’s not like your brain something, you never see or think about. Your penis is always right there in front of you. No other part of your body, aside from your hair, gets as much attention and self admiration. Fortunately, medical problems involving reproductive health are relatively rare and generally not common. But what do you do when something does go wrong down south? Here’s a checklist of ailments to consider before you go to sick call and whip out your little buddy to show the medic.

Complaint: Shredded testicles
Probable cause: Masturbating at work

All the Joes in the office know that one of the perks of office life is frequent masturbation. But not so for our Grunts in the field, especially those whose privates might come into contact with moving parts while masturbating. One thing you can do to make matters worse once your groin has been ground? Attempt to fix it yourself. For example, a doctor at Landstuhl Regional Medical Center was shocked when he examined a Infantryman who had been industrially detesticled. “[He had] two or three yards of foul-smelling, stained gauze wrapped around his scrotum, which was swollen to twice the size of a grapefruit and extremely tender,” said urologist LTC William A. Morton Jr., M.D. Although the best grapefruits are usually swollen and tender, this grapefruit was oozing pus and blood, the scrotum was missing one testicle and the sac featured a jagged, zigzag laceration held together by brace yourself eight rusty staples. The patient, initially vague about what had happened, finally admitted that during lunch hours he would masturbate by holding his penis against his Humvee. But during his last episode, he had the hood up and got his scrotum caught in the fan belt and the radiator. Too mortified to go to the BAS or face his buddies, he got a hold of a heavy duty staple gun(there handy in the field, lol), did his best to fix the damage and went back to work. He finally went to the hospital after three days, when the pain became unbearable. Makes us think twice about sticking our own sticky maker into our Mac’s disk drive: Hmmm. Hmmm. Well, wish us luck!

Complaint: Disconnected testicle
Probable cause: Too tight briefs

Of course you love the look, low rider briefs three sizes too small, making it appear as if you’re packing lunch next to your meat. But wearing your underwear too tight can cause serious health problems. For example, one 19-year-old PFC Tavaraz from Ft. Bragg needed to have a testicle surgically removed after receiving a severe wedgie. During some hazing rituals that are not condoned by the U.S. Army, SPC Culpepper, 21, walked up behind the victim and inflicted the dreaded shorts tightening maneuver. Once the laughter stopped, the victim became convinced that his pain was due to more than just public humiliation and went to the hospital, where doctors discovered that the testicle had actually ruptured and had to be removed. The soldier received a Field Grade Article 15. Come on, Colonel, lighten up. It’s not like they ruptured both testicles.

Complaint: Fried genitalia
Probable cause: Incompetent medical care

Overworked urologists and nurses see so many warped dicks and diseased assholes that after a while, they feel like they’re coaching in the NBA. Make sure that when you see your doctor he’s paying attention to the job at hand. Otherwise things can go horribly wrong, as SGT. Tucker from the 3ID learned when in for routine treatment for his swollen prostate. During the procedure, a microwave device malfunctioned and, despite the good SGT's complaints of searing pain, the helpful medic assisting assured him that all was normal. An hour later, his “entire genital area was extremely swollen due to the extensive internal burns.” SGT. Tucker spent most of the next month in bed, having his bandages changed twice daily, by some handy medics. Then they amputated his penis. The good news: The settlement made him rich. The bad news: Have you been paying attention?

Complaint: Extensive genital pressure
Probable cause: Infidelity

Infidelity is just one of the many uses for a healthy penis, especially for all you Sailors out there. But, as marital experts suggest, it can cause problems at home. For example, when a Mrs. Sladek received a package containing her philandering husband’s boxer shorts and a note from his mistress exposing his infidelities, she responded as any wife would, by melting five candles in a pan, pouring the boiling wax on her 36 year old Captain husband’s genitals and then beating him silly with the pan. Despite needing skin grafts and thereafter having to wear special clothes to relieve the pressure on his genitals, Captain Sladek pled for leniency for his estranged wife and expressed hope that the two could still be friends and perhaps share a romantic, candlelit evening together.

Complaint: Fish on penis
Probable cause: Pissing into tropical waters

Pissing is always enjoyable. And nothing is more fun than doing it outdoors. But when you urinate into a body of water, be careful. A reservoir or swimming pool can be relatively safe, but the Sepik River in Papua New Guinea can be quite risky. Two men who were peeing in the river got their penises chomped off and both bled to death. The chief suspect, a piranhalike river fish that follows a stream of piss back to its source, then applies its razor sharp teeth to the most precious of parts. But this fish is not the only one with a taste for golden cider. A 23 year old Special Forces LT was standing in the Amazon River taking a leak when suddenly a tiny candiru fish took the bait and followed the urine stream straight into the man’s urethra. According to the report filed by CPT. Silver, the attending PA, the victim “reported trying to grab hold of the fish, but it was very slippery and forced its way inside with alarming speed.” The fish kept going until it got to the base of the penis and tried to eat its way out, creating a hole in the scrotum. Four days after the initial encounter, the man finally went to the hospital with fever, intense pain, swelling of the scrotum and extreme abdominal distension. Using an endoscope and tiny alligator clips, doctors pulled out the dead fish. It fit perfectly on a Wheat Thin!

Complaint: Penile abrasions
Probable cause: Commuter error

The morning commute can be hazardous to your health. Hurrying can cause unforeseen accidents. So if you find that your genitals have been sanded smooth by a harsh and unforgiving surface, check to see if your penis has come into contact with a railroad track. As PV2 Machio, 25, learned, haste can make paste…of your penis. Machio, late catching his departing subway, decided to run after it to hop aboard. Unfortunately, he slipped and caught his trousers on a subway car. He was dragged, crotch side down, for 20 yards before the driver hit the emergency brake. Machio suffered severe injuries to his legs and his genitals. That’s why we always remove our pants upon entering subway stations.

Complaint: Bite marks
Probable cause: Teeth

Penises and dentistry don’t always go hand in hand, no matter how close the hygienist stands. As a rule of thumb, keep teeth as far away from your penis as possible. If you find that your penis has been bitten, it may have been attacked by an animal. Major Pollack Jr., M.D., of Walter Reed Medical Center, recalls a patient who tried to train his dog to perform fellatio by rubbing raw meat all over his genitals. By the time Major Pollack saw the patient’s penis, it not only smelled like hamburger, it looked like it, too. When urologists gather around the hospital incinerator at night, Major Pollack also enjoys telling the tale of a man he treated who had been playing in the buff with his pet rattlesnake. The snake apparently became jealous and bit its rival. “His penis was swollen and painful by the time I saw him,” notes Major Pollack. Experts suggest keeping genitalia covered when handling serpents to end the cycle of violence.

Complaint: Severed penis
Probable Cause: Removal by circular saw

If your penis becomes detached from your body, look around for a reason. Penises normally don’t just fall off, unless they have gone unused for too long. One likely clue, a bloody power tool. SPC Rhodes of the 10th Mountain suddenly found himself dickless after he accepted a wager that he couldn’t put his member inside the bearing casing on a wheel. He won! But before he could collect, he realized that his penis was stuck. So SPC Rhodes reached for the nearest circular saw. In a five hour operation, surgeons at Ft. Drum were able to reunite the severed member with the 22 year old, assuring him that he would be able to enjoy a normal sex life within a few months. And by “normal” they meant he’d soon be “alone in the attic with Dad’s 30-year old Penthouse stash.”

08 January 2006

A 21 Gun Salute to War Winning Weapons


The Longbow
The regular old bow had been around for thousands of years, but it was the medieval English who turned it into a weapon feared throughout Europe. Six feet long and made of strong yew wood, their skillfully crafted longbows had a killing range of 200 yards.
A longbowman could fire 12 arrows per minute, slaughtering the enemy from a safe distance. In 1415, a force of just 9,000 Englishmen defeated 30,000 Frenchmen
at Agincourt in France, all thanks to the longbow. This is less impressive, being that they were French.

The Pike
Think fearless mercenaries and the Swiss probably don’t spring to mind. But in the 15th century, Swiss pikemen were feared throughout Europe. The pike was a long pole with a blade on one end that could be used to stab, chop and hook the enemy. A massed rank of pikemen could stop a cavalry charge in its tracks. The pope’s famous Swiss Guard still carries pikes. So enough with those Catholic jokes.

Gunpowder
The Chinese are believed to have invented gunpowder around the 10th century. But it was the crafty Europeans who discovered you could put it in tubes and fire projectiles. They started with cannons in 1326, and primitive guns followed in 1388. At first, these weapons had a habit of blowing up the gunmen rather than the enemy. Then, in 1450, the French ironed out the design flaws and came up with the mother of all cannons, which they used to blast great big holes in English castles and splat their Anglo archers. Payback for that whole longbow thing.

The Matchlock
Your average AK-47 toting schoolyard tot won’t give it a thought, but the matchlock musket was his weapon’s great granddaddy. Invented in 1460, it was the first real rifle, and at 18 pounds, it took so long to fire and load that you were probably better off just hitting your enemy over the head with it. But it evolved into the wheel lock and then the flintlock around 1660. A regular Davy Crockett could load and fire every 20 seconds, with an accuracy of up to 80 yards. A musket ball had greater penetration force than an arrow, and the impact put a man or horse straight down.

The Iklwa
In 19th century southern Africa, tribes had a civilized way of waging war. They’d line up opposite one another, shout a few insults, hurl some spears, then go home for dinner. Shaka, a fearsome Zulu leader, ruined all that. He came up with the iklwa, a short handled spear with a long blade designed for disemboweling the enemy in hand to hand fighting. The next fight Shaka’s guys got into, they waited for the other tribe to throw all its spears, then spilled their guts in the dirt. The iklwa made Shaka the only leader in southern Africa worthy of an eventual American TV movie.

The Breech Loading Rifle
The Prussian Dreyse bolt action needle gun rifle, invented in 1840, was the first modern rifle. You slipped a cartridge into the breech and a firing pin struck the primer in its base, which fired the round. Two decades later, rifles were mass produced accurate and reliable at last giving fans of the Second Amendment something to hoot and holler about. The rifles had a range of up to 1,000 yards and a magazine that held up to10 bullets. A soldier could fire 15 shots in a minute and became a force to be reckoned with. A young Chuck Heston rejoiced.

The Rocket
The ancestor of today’s precision guided missiles, the German V-2 of WWII was a pilotless drone loaded with a ton of high explosives. Nowadays, cruise missiles can be loaded with chemical, explosive or nuclear warheads to knock out an enemy on another continent-beaming back video all the way. They aren’t the most accurate weapons, but that makes them even scarier.

The Nuclear Bomb
The best damn weapon to have because once you have it, you never have to use it.

Where Are You Magnum?


It's been a productive week. We finally got our furniture into our house. It's been "lost at sea" for 3 months since Bragg. No idea why it took so long.

My son is finally potty trained. Well, he is almost there. My little girl starts Judo lessons on Tuesday. I'm so excited for her. Some parents can't wait for there little girls to do pagents, I can't wait for mine to learn to kick some ass.

I got an email from my old Platoon Sergeant back at Bragg, they finally got my PCS award. Its' only been since October when I left. I guess better late than never.

That's about it. Just been staying busy keeping the wife happy, lifting and doing Gracie Jiu-Jitsu, counting down the days now for my son to start Judo(2 1/2 more years), then move on to Jiu-Jitsu.

Hopefully soon while out cruising on Kam HWY I'll run into Magnum!
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