02 June 2006

Textbook Excuses

Can a $100,000 education help you out of a jam?

Gal just caught you red handed ogling another woman? Relax, padre your old school’s gonna help you out. Here are five surefire excuses, straight from college courses(OCS here I come), that’ll have you back in the saddle in no time. (Next time wait till she’s in the ladies’ room to let your eye wander…)

Excuse from gender studies:
You weren’t mentally undressing the girl; you were quietly judging her.
Say: “Poor thing it’s clear she’s unwittingly buying into a patriarchal view of women’s beauty by choosing modes of dress that contribute to her own oppression. Thank God you’ve got more personal power than that.”

Excuse from art history:
You were trying to place her in the correct historical period.
Say: “Can you believe that in the post Renaissance baroque era, a hefty woman like that was considered the representation of ideal female beauty?”

Excuse from solid geometry:
She’s simply a solid object that’s piqued mathematical curiosity.
Say: “I was just formulating equations to calculate the space occupied by that particular set of three dimensional curvilinear objects and developing methods for testing my hypotheses. Hey, have you lost weight?”

Excuse from sociology:
You’re a clinical observer in the field.
Say: “Shh…I’m checking out her nonverbal cues as a way of studying female behavior. Weren’t you the one who said I needed to get in touch with my feminine side?”

Excuse from psychology:
The whole ugly scene was merely a ruse to test your girlfriend.
Say: “Interesting…So that’s how you’d react if I were to feign interest in a less attractive girl. Let’s see what happens when I try to get her phone number.”

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