05 June 2006

Kneel, Boy!

No matter what type of louse you are, there’s a patron saint for you.

Thought Catholicism was all about wine and crackers on Sunday? Hardly. It’s also about finding folks to pray to who were just as screwed up as you.

If you’re: A drunk
Pray to: Saint John of God
A wild man who drank, fought, then repented when the hangovers got to be too much, John’s the Catholic equivalent of George W. Bush. Pray to him when you wake up naked in an alley and next to a mahu.

If you’re: An arms dealer
Pray to: Saint Adrian of Nicomedia
A guard for a Roman emperor, Adrian witnessed the torture of 22 Christians. He promptly converted to Christianity, at which point he was jailed, tortured, and burned to death. Nice career move.

If you’re: A bartender
Pray to: Saint Amand
The patron of bartenders mostly because he hung out a lot in the beer and winemaking areas of France and Germany, converting heathens and whatnot. The failure to find an Irish saint for this occupation represents a severe oversight on the part of the Catholic church.

If you’re: A letdown to your parents
Pray to: Saint Monica
Monica’s child was Saint Augustine, who became a prominent theologian and one of the most important figures in the history of philosophy. Not good enough for Monica, who had her heart set on Augie becoming a cardiologist. And you thought only Jewish mothers were overbearing.

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