30 May 2006

Spot A Fake

Sniff out phonies better than Holden Caulfield.

$100 bill
Under U.S. law, guess who eats it when you get stuck with a phony greenback. You do. Learn to eyeball your C notes for:

A microprint reading United States of America around the sides of Franklin’s portrait

A watermark of a second, smaller bust of Franklin to the right of the portrait, visible when you hold the bill up to the light

Red and blue fibers embedded in the paper

The total absence of a tiny Jar Jar Binks perched on Franklin’s shoulder. And stop using your counterfeits for rolling paper.

British accent
Suspect a rat if your would be limey is Madonna or does any of the following:

Peppers every sentence with jolly good and bloody. Exception: Liberal use of cunt (by men) and wanker is normal for Brits, particularly if they’re speaking to you.

Overstresses the duration and length of vowels. A real Brit puts a short a (as in father) in dance, pass, and chance.

Forgets to make hard t’s. Americans say latter the same as ladder and writer the same as rider; but you’ll hear those t’s when a Brit speaks.

The fact that your stone cuts glass doesnt prove diddly squat anymore. The best option is to bring the rock to a gemologist certified by the Gemological Institute of America, who will run it through a series of tests you can’t do at home, measuring refraction, specific gravity, and the like. And avoid buying your diamonds from anyone who throws in a set of steak knives.

If you’d like to avoid a replay of The Crying Game in your own bedroom, remember:

Male hands tend to be larger and show more lines and veins than a woman’s delicate mitts. A square, angular jaw line suggests that your lady is a laddie (possibly Superman).

Cross dressers often wear equipment binding corsets to hide the pickle. If she always sits down gingerly, be suspicious.

Look for facial and body hair camouflage such as turtlenecks and shimmery, opaque tights.
Finally, peek under the bathroom door when she takes a pee. If her shoes are facing the toilet, run, boy, run!


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