12 May 2006

Screw With Telemarketers

Won’t they be sorry they tried to sell you a Chop a Matic at 3 a.m.

“Hi, Mr. Jones! How’re you today?” wonders the telephone voice that just spoiled your dinner, interrupted your coitus, or pulled you off the can. Don’t get mad…get freaky. That telemarketer on the other end of the line is so starved for attention, he’d love to play any of the following games with you. Honest!

Game: Holy Roller
How to play: Ask him if he has accepted the Lord Jesus into his heart. Deliver the “righteous man” speech from Pulp Fiction. Ask him to get on his knees and pray with you.
You win when: You get him to repeat after you, “Hallelujah.”

Game: Secret Agent Man
How to play: Ask repeatedly if the conversation is being recorded. Claim that the CIA’s been listening in ever since you got back from “the operation in Grenada.” Neither confirm nor deny any of the information he may have obtained.
You win when: He acknowledges that he hears the clicking, too.

Game: Tourette’s Sufferer
How to play: Act interested in whatever he has to offer, but stutter. Explain that you have a neurological disease and that you can’t bitch! control what goddamn man titties! comes out of your assface! assface!
You win when: He apologizes to you.

Game: Coffee Disaster
How to play: Interrupt his pitch with a piercing scream. Howl that you just spilled hot coffee on your balls. Act as if you’ve accidentally made the situation worse: “Gotta get some salt on this burn before it…A-a-a-argh!”
You win when: He offers to call for help.

Game: Say What?
How to play: Explain that you’ve just returned from a Metallica concert and your hearing is shot. Ask him to speak louder…louder…louder! Make him keep starting his pitch from the top.
You win when: He slams the phone down and you finish your meal/bathroom trip/stewardess in peace.

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