22 May 2006

Get Out Of Bed

Tired of sleeping, eating Fritos, and watching Welcome Back Kotter reruns? I’ll soon have you on your feet…literally.

1. The Lift
Even the longest journey starts by standing up, I recommend lying on your back (hey, that was easy) and raising your knees until the shins and feet are 12 to 14 inches off the surface of the bed (whoa). Be sure to move any blankets or sheets that could get tangled on the feet. You also might want to scatter any airline stewardesses, barely legal teens, and bosses’ wives as well.

2. The Swing
Once your feet are unencumbered, you’ll either (a) pass out from the foot funk, or (b) be ready to move on. If it’s the latter, lucky you! Pivoting on your back, swing the lower body over the edge of the bed. If your feet crash into the wall, go the other way. Once your legs are over the floor, lower them until your feet touch down. If the floor is too cold, you either need “socks” (a kind of foot warming sheath) or some jokers have cut the bottoms out of your pajama footies again. Exact vengeance.

3. The Stand
With your feet on the ground, slide your ass off the edge of your bed until your weight rests steadily on top of your legs. Now straighten the legs until you’re “standing” erect. Be careful not to go too far or you’ll topple over onto your face. Congratulations, soldier, you’re up! In this position you’ll find activities like obtaining beer, dancing the hornpipe, and kicking smaller people much, much simpler. Welcome to the new you!

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