15 May 2006

Free Sick Days

Can’t stop drinking, swearing, and screwing? You should really come to the 5-14 Cav Aid Station.

Remember when attention deficit disorder was simply called “misbehaving”? Nowadays anything Prozac can’t cure is classified as an illness, and frankly, 5-14 Cav Med Plt want in. So we’ve invented some maladies to explain away our own incurable behaviors.

Monogamy Noncompliance Disorder MND
A condition characterized by the inability to be faithful to a single sex partner. An advanced form of NNLOGBS, Not Not Looking at Other Girls’ Breasts Syndrome.

Mundane Task Avoidance Disability MTAD
Sufferers are incapable of doing PT or any other dumb ass task that is put out. Frequently attacks at or before 0630 Monday - Friday; treatable with beer and hammock therapy.

Phantom Injury Flashback PIF
A debilitating flareup of an old injury, either the sufferer’s own or remembered from NFL GameDay, triggered by losing at sports.

Drinking Prowess Misestimation DPM
A mental disorder resulting in the victim’s incorrectly believing that he can consume the same quantity of alcohol that he did in college. Treat with immediate forgiveness and then never speak of it again.

Can’t Tell If Those Shoes Go With That Dress Because the Game Is On Disorder CTITSGWTDBGIOD
A hideous malady characterized by long bouts of no sex and sleeping on the couch.

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