31 May 2006

Dick Nixin'

Are penises going the way of the dodo? Grab your crotch while you still can.

When financial woes, a tepid love life, or your crummy wifes salary gets you down, cheer up: At least your penis isn’t shriveling away. Not so for victims of shrinking penis panics that crop up now and again…due, in some cases, to koro, the psychological delusion that Mr. Happy’s saying bye bye. Some examples:

India 1982 Spurred by the rumor of a shrinking penis epidemic, thousands of concerned mothers bring their sons to hospitals en masse. First, however, they bind the poor boys’ penises with string to prevent further shrinkage “Aw, Mom! You’re embarrassing me!” a preventive measure that produces a multitude of lacerations and ulcers. Quick thinking docs quell the possibility of further embarrassment and hysteria by staging large scale public penis measuring…

United States 1996 An immigrant from Guinea, enraged by the prosecution of O.J. Simpson (who turned out to be not guilty, by the way), comes to believe that his penis is shrinking. To raise public awareness of his predicament, he does the only sensible thing: He kidnaps a nursing home patient. (Anyone else smell sitcom here? Get Fox on the phone…)

Western Africa 1997 A mob from Senegal and Ivory Coast rounds up 20 or so “magicians” accused of casting penis shrinking curses on villagers. When a quick demo proves that everyone’s penis is in fact perfectly normal, the “victims” counter that the magicians obviously repaired the, ah, shortage when no one was looking. And without further ado, the mob burns the bastards alive. Hey, better safe than sorry…

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