14 April 2006

Treat A Gunshot Wound

Do you feel lucky, punk? If not, you’d better be prepared.

It’s time to bone up on your triage.

Think fast
A victim’s odds of survival skyrocket if he gets help within the hour. Call for the Medic before you start playing Doc, so the real deal can take over as soon as possible. You’ll still get hero status.

Secure the scene
The first thing to ask is ‘Where’s the gunman?’” says Buck Sergeant Skip. Don’t jump in until you’ve scanned the area for remaining Hajis. If you get shot too, nobody in their right mind’s going to save you.

Immobilize the victim
Once you’re safe, keep the victim still so he doesn’t aggravate his wounds. “The best way to immobilize the patient is to lightly support his head and keep it in alignment with the rest of his body,” Buck Sergeant Skip says. If your bleeder won’t quit freaking, grab his testicles in your fist and tell him to cut the shit now. (You didn't hear that from me)

Check bleeding and breathing
Until the FLA shows up, congrats, you’re a doctor. If you’re not sure the patient’s breathing, pinch his nose, tilt his head back, and gently force some air into his lungs (in a manly sort of way, of course). He’s breathing normally? Check his body, Bullets have to go somewhere, so look for entrance and exit wounds. (The Warren Commission will review your findings.) If you can’t dig up bandages, use anything that is handy, such as a pair of smiley boxers to apply firm pressure on top of the wound. Reassure the poor sap that everything’s going to be OK. Then fix your hair and call your mom and tell her you’re going to be on the six o’clock news.


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