21 April 2006

Live On Your Couch

Can’t afford a weekend in the Caribbean? Try your living room.

A good couch is like a second womb, but did you know it’s also an excellent destination for a cheap weekend getaway? Sure, you’ve spent quality time with your couch, maybe even spent the night, but are you ready for 48 consecutive hours of pure, unproductive loafing?

Comfort
Keep garments lightweight and loose fitting. Don’t bother changing clothes, who are you trying to impress? Though a weekend of sloth won’t reduce all your muscle mass to flab, you should change your position hourly to prevent bedsores.

Food and drink
Plant packaged snack foods around the couch, as they have a long shelf life and will provide you with valuable salt and oil. Program your cell phone with the number of a nearby Domino’s for emergency pizza; in a pinch they’ll deliver right to your immobile carcass. You’ll also want to arrange for a steady supply of bottled beverages, for reasons we’ll discuss below.

Waste management
Old number one is easy. Just keep a lot of empty bottles within reach. But solids present some logistical problems. Stick to a low fiber diet, balancing your meals with the occasional binder, like soda crackers. Imodium AD should keep you constipated throughout the weekend; just make sure to have a strong laxative and War and Peace on hand for Monday morning.

Legal issues
Since you’ll effectively drop off the face of the earth for two days, there’s a slight risk that someone (your mother, PLT SGT, bartender, bookie, etc.) will panic and call Missing Persons or AWOL. So unless you want the MP's crashing through your door, be a good son and soldier and let Ma and PLT Daddy know you’re potatoing it for the weekend.

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