28 April 2006

Avoid Eternal Damnation

Don’t feel like repenting? Try one of these backdoor methods for getting past the Pearly Gates.

From what we understand, hell is a really bad place, an endless waiting room with nothing to do other than listen to Pat Robertson. But fear not, I hit the theology books and found religions with Get Out of Hell Free cards. Regardless of what you worship, it can’t hurt to try one or all three.

Catholicism(I need to repepnt more now, Lord forgive me)
Like any good Jewish boy, Jesus always listened to His mother, so when it comes time to make bail from perdition, the smart money is on Mary. Tradition holds that if you wear the scapular of Our Lady of Mount Carmel until the moment of your death, you will be saved.

Some Jews believe that dead souls wander a gray, depressing region called Gehenna, a place not unlike Buffalo(ahh, home sweet home). To avoid this dull afterlife, tell your kids to say kaddish, the prayer of mourning, for you every day for 11 months. Then you’ll be released from Gehenna to…well…somewhere else. Maybe Florida.

Buddhists have up to 16 separate hells for those, like Dick Chenney, who habitually commit violent acts. Just how much hell you’ll have to endure comes down to how much good karma and bad karma you’ve accumulated; so take stock of your life of sin and then start doing good to balance it out. (Put one of your kids through college and erase that weekend with the two midget hookers.)


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