26 April 2006

Am I Dead Yet?

Is your lifestyle killing you? Run these five quick health checks to make sure you’re not dead.

Your alarm goes off. You stumble out of bed and look in the mirror, where you see a man with Bill Murray’s complexion, eyeballs like pinwheels, and cotton candy sprouting in his armpits. Was it those dozen shots of tequila? Or the case of beer you washed them down with? All you know is that you haven’t exactly made healthy living a priority, and maybe it’s time to assess the damage.

Then again, do you really have time to go to a doctor to get rectally violated, by a military doc of all docs, then told to take a friggin’ 800 mgmotrin? Neither do I. So I called some MDs and collected five checkups you can do every morning. Strap on the rubber gloves and let’s see if you’re still a viable life form.

Attack your heart
Start by taking your pulse. To get an accurate reading, check it first thing in the morning (before the coffee), says Maj. Alfred M. Dashe, Internal Medicne Doctor or LRMC. Hold the index and middle fingers of your right hand against your left wrist, just below your palm. Count the beats for 15 seconds, then multiply by four.

Scoring: 51–65: Binge drinking has mysteriously given you the constitution of an Olympic athlete. 66–90: Try getting exercise by chasing women around your barstool. More than 90: Your arteries may be clogged like the plumbing at Graceland. If your pulse is especially fast (tachycardia), slow (bradycardia), or irregular (arrhythmia), call your doc. If you can’t detect a pulse, start scribbling your will. Quickly.

Do it yourself urinalysis
Stagger to the bathroom and bid adieu to last night’s beer. If you feel like you’re pissing acid, you may have a urinary tract infection or gonorrhea (see a doc). If your pee comes out in spurts, your prostate may be swollen (see a doc). If your urine splashing sounds like the guitar solo on Aerosmith’s “Pump,” you may be psycho (shrink time).

Once you’re done, check out the color. If it’s clear, you’re in the clear. “Beets could make your urine orange, while coffee could turn it brown,” says COL. Dudley Seth Danoff, a urologist at BAMC. “Other colors could mean trouble.” Follow our color key.

Dark yellow: You may be eating too much salt, or maybe you’re dehydrated.

Cloudy white: You may have kidney stones or a bladder infection.

Any red blood: You may have anything from herpes to bruised kidneys to prostate trouble.
Before you move on, give yourself a dick over, looking for any open sores or uninvited insects.

The poop scoop
Now have a go at number two. A healthy bowel movement is dark brown and torpedo shaped. Other types may signal problems. If your stool floats, there may be too much fat in your diet. If it’s very light brown, there may be too much of the healthy bacteria that line your colon. If it’s whitish, bile may not be finding its way to your intestine, a symptom of gallstones or liver disease. If your stool is tinged with red, you have blood in your colon, which may mean anything from hemorrhoids to cancer. If it’s charcoal colored, you may be bleeding higher up in your intestine, a possible ulcer. Don’t sweat the runs unless they last more than three days.(I'm an expert with the GI tract having worked at LRMC GI Clinic)

Bust your balls
Stumble into the shower and grope around below your gut. Now that your scrotum is warm and fully extended, it’s time to check for testicular cancer, the number one cancer found in men under 35. Lather up, then roll each feller ’tween your thumb and first two fingers. “They should feel like two hard-boiled eggs without the shellsmooth, firm, and not tender,” says COL. Danoff.

You may discover some harmless lumps, pimples, moles, or the soft bump where an epididymis protrudes from each testicle. Larger bumps could signal a cyst in an epididymis or in a sebaceous gland, or even a vari cocele (a group of varicose veins that feels like a bag of worms). If you find any tender spots or mysterious lumps or discover that your balls are missing call a doc or join the Vienna Boys Choir.

Get the skinny
Dry off and inspect your skin, all 18 square feet of it. “Melanoma is the fastest-growing cancer, and it can hit people in their 20s and 30s,” says LTC. Barry Goldman, of Walter Reed.

Look everywhere for the following, raised translucent growths (possible basal cell carcinoma), dark moles that have irregular borders (possible melanoma), and itchy red sores that never heal (possible squamous cell carcinoma). When you’re done, sit down and have a cup of coffee. If you’ve passed these tests, congrats, you’re in fine health (bottoms up!). If not, don’t panic. You’re probably taking the wrong vitamins. Sober up and go see your doc.


Blogger Randall said...

Lmao... Wow,
That's one hell of a post..


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