22 March 2006

The Cold Truth

What’s the quickest way to cool suds? I've tested some methods.

Ever pull a half warm beer from the fridge because you couldn’t wait? Neither have I, but I’ve heard of guys doing it (Brits, mostly) and wanted to contribute toward ending this horrifying practice. To get into that frosty margin (32–40°F) fastest, I subjected our canned swill to various cold treatments. The findings are below.

Plain Old Ice
Method: Trusting the traditional picnic formula, I filled a cooler with a couple of bags of ice, then crammed in some beers.
Beer cold in: 15 min. (39°F)
Upside: Cheap.
Downside: Slow. For 15 minutes of foreplay, one of those beers better blow me later.

Ice Plus Water
Method: I submerged my brewskies in ice water.
Beer cold in: 10 min. (38°F)
Upside: Dump that cooler on a buddy; he’ll know you care.
Downside: Numb hands.

Dry Ice
Method: At –109°F, dry ice can freeze a genital wart off a Wahiawa hooker, should work great.
Beer cold in: 7 min. (35°F)
Upside: Perfect for smoky party effects, and for preserving dismembered limbs.
Downside: Black market kidney suppliers are more common than dry ice dealers, who charge $10 for a bag of the stuff.

Freezer
Method: To gauge how slow the icebox really is, I moved aside a bag o’ bear testicles, and deposited the beers inside.
Beer cold in: 40 min. (39.4°F)
Upside: “Honey, could you grab me a beer while you’re in the kitchen?”
Downside: Takes a year. Forget the beer, and it’ll explode all over your Hot Pockets.

Fire Extinguisher
Method: I heard that the foam of a CO2 fire extinguisher rocks, so I pretended the beers were on fire.
Beer cold in: 4 min. (34°F)
Upside: Extinguishers are easy to “borrow” from the barracks.
Downside: If you get wasted and start a fire, you’ll fry like bacon.

Liquid Nitrogen
Method: I got thermodynamics specialists to immerse a can in the coldest shit known to man.
Beer cold in: 5.9 sec. (33°F)
Upside: You can use the extra LN2 to store your love seed indefinitely.
Downside: “Cooling beer too quickly breaks up its structure and taste,” says Peter E. Gifford of Cryomech, Inc. In other words, your beer rips apart on a molecular level and tastes likes your mammas urine.

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