11 January 2006

When Your Little Friend Gets Mangled

He is your best friend, always there for you in times of trouble. But take your eyes off him for just one moment and he can find itself in a world of pain. Here’s how to keep your private parts from corporal punishment.

It’s hard to believe that an average guy can have much trouble with his penis. It’s not like your brain something, you never see or think about. Your penis is always right there in front of you. No other part of your body, aside from your hair, gets as much attention and self admiration. Fortunately, medical problems involving reproductive health are relatively rare and generally not common. But what do you do when something does go wrong down south? Here’s a checklist of ailments to consider before you go to sick call and whip out your little buddy to show the medic.

Complaint: Shredded testicles
Probable cause: Masturbating at work

All the Joes in the office know that one of the perks of office life is frequent masturbation. But not so for our Grunts in the field, especially those whose privates might come into contact with moving parts while masturbating. One thing you can do to make matters worse once your groin has been ground? Attempt to fix it yourself. For example, a doctor at Landstuhl Regional Medical Center was shocked when he examined a Infantryman who had been industrially detesticled. “[He had] two or three yards of foul-smelling, stained gauze wrapped around his scrotum, which was swollen to twice the size of a grapefruit and extremely tender,” said urologist LTC William A. Morton Jr., M.D. Although the best grapefruits are usually swollen and tender, this grapefruit was oozing pus and blood, the scrotum was missing one testicle and the sac featured a jagged, zigzag laceration held together by brace yourself eight rusty staples. The patient, initially vague about what had happened, finally admitted that during lunch hours he would masturbate by holding his penis against his Humvee. But during his last episode, he had the hood up and got his scrotum caught in the fan belt and the radiator. Too mortified to go to the BAS or face his buddies, he got a hold of a heavy duty staple gun(there handy in the field, lol), did his best to fix the damage and went back to work. He finally went to the hospital after three days, when the pain became unbearable. Makes us think twice about sticking our own sticky maker into our Mac’s disk drive: Hmmm. Hmmm. Well, wish us luck!

Complaint: Disconnected testicle
Probable cause: Too tight briefs

Of course you love the look, low rider briefs three sizes too small, making it appear as if you’re packing lunch next to your meat. But wearing your underwear too tight can cause serious health problems. For example, one 19-year-old PFC Tavaraz from Ft. Bragg needed to have a testicle surgically removed after receiving a severe wedgie. During some hazing rituals that are not condoned by the U.S. Army, SPC Culpepper, 21, walked up behind the victim and inflicted the dreaded shorts tightening maneuver. Once the laughter stopped, the victim became convinced that his pain was due to more than just public humiliation and went to the hospital, where doctors discovered that the testicle had actually ruptured and had to be removed. The soldier received a Field Grade Article 15. Come on, Colonel, lighten up. It’s not like they ruptured both testicles.

Complaint: Fried genitalia
Probable cause: Incompetent medical care

Overworked urologists and nurses see so many warped dicks and diseased assholes that after a while, they feel like they’re coaching in the NBA. Make sure that when you see your doctor he’s paying attention to the job at hand. Otherwise things can go horribly wrong, as SGT. Tucker from the 3ID learned when in for routine treatment for his swollen prostate. During the procedure, a microwave device malfunctioned and, despite the good SGT's complaints of searing pain, the helpful medic assisting assured him that all was normal. An hour later, his “entire genital area was extremely swollen due to the extensive internal burns.” SGT. Tucker spent most of the next month in bed, having his bandages changed twice daily, by some handy medics. Then they amputated his penis. The good news: The settlement made him rich. The bad news: Have you been paying attention?

Complaint: Extensive genital pressure
Probable cause: Infidelity

Infidelity is just one of the many uses for a healthy penis, especially for all you Sailors out there. But, as marital experts suggest, it can cause problems at home. For example, when a Mrs. Sladek received a package containing her philandering husband’s boxer shorts and a note from his mistress exposing his infidelities, she responded as any wife would, by melting five candles in a pan, pouring the boiling wax on her 36 year old Captain husband’s genitals and then beating him silly with the pan. Despite needing skin grafts and thereafter having to wear special clothes to relieve the pressure on his genitals, Captain Sladek pled for leniency for his estranged wife and expressed hope that the two could still be friends and perhaps share a romantic, candlelit evening together.

Complaint: Fish on penis
Probable cause: Pissing into tropical waters

Pissing is always enjoyable. And nothing is more fun than doing it outdoors. But when you urinate into a body of water, be careful. A reservoir or swimming pool can be relatively safe, but the Sepik River in Papua New Guinea can be quite risky. Two men who were peeing in the river got their penises chomped off and both bled to death. The chief suspect, a piranhalike river fish that follows a stream of piss back to its source, then applies its razor sharp teeth to the most precious of parts. But this fish is not the only one with a taste for golden cider. A 23 year old Special Forces LT was standing in the Amazon River taking a leak when suddenly a tiny candiru fish took the bait and followed the urine stream straight into the man’s urethra. According to the report filed by CPT. Silver, the attending PA, the victim “reported trying to grab hold of the fish, but it was very slippery and forced its way inside with alarming speed.” The fish kept going until it got to the base of the penis and tried to eat its way out, creating a hole in the scrotum. Four days after the initial encounter, the man finally went to the hospital with fever, intense pain, swelling of the scrotum and extreme abdominal distension. Using an endoscope and tiny alligator clips, doctors pulled out the dead fish. It fit perfectly on a Wheat Thin!

Complaint: Penile abrasions
Probable cause: Commuter error

The morning commute can be hazardous to your health. Hurrying can cause unforeseen accidents. So if you find that your genitals have been sanded smooth by a harsh and unforgiving surface, check to see if your penis has come into contact with a railroad track. As PV2 Machio, 25, learned, haste can make paste…of your penis. Machio, late catching his departing subway, decided to run after it to hop aboard. Unfortunately, he slipped and caught his trousers on a subway car. He was dragged, crotch side down, for 20 yards before the driver hit the emergency brake. Machio suffered severe injuries to his legs and his genitals. That’s why we always remove our pants upon entering subway stations.

Complaint: Bite marks
Probable cause: Teeth

Penises and dentistry don’t always go hand in hand, no matter how close the hygienist stands. As a rule of thumb, keep teeth as far away from your penis as possible. If you find that your penis has been bitten, it may have been attacked by an animal. Major Pollack Jr., M.D., of Walter Reed Medical Center, recalls a patient who tried to train his dog to perform fellatio by rubbing raw meat all over his genitals. By the time Major Pollack saw the patient’s penis, it not only smelled like hamburger, it looked like it, too. When urologists gather around the hospital incinerator at night, Major Pollack also enjoys telling the tale of a man he treated who had been playing in the buff with his pet rattlesnake. The snake apparently became jealous and bit its rival. “His penis was swollen and painful by the time I saw him,” notes Major Pollack. Experts suggest keeping genitalia covered when handling serpents to end the cycle of violence.

Complaint: Severed penis
Probable Cause: Removal by circular saw

If your penis becomes detached from your body, look around for a reason. Penises normally don’t just fall off, unless they have gone unused for too long. One likely clue, a bloody power tool. SPC Rhodes of the 10th Mountain suddenly found himself dickless after he accepted a wager that he couldn’t put his member inside the bearing casing on a wheel. He won! But before he could collect, he realized that his penis was stuck. So SPC Rhodes reached for the nearest circular saw. In a five hour operation, surgeons at Ft. Drum were able to reunite the severed member with the 22 year old, assuring him that he would be able to enjoy a normal sex life within a few months. And by “normal” they meant he’d soon be “alone in the attic with Dad’s 30-year old Penthouse stash.”


Blogger Horny Old Guy said...

OUCH! I knew there were hazards to serving our country but I didn't know you had to watch out for your weenie that much! The only negative thing I can remember from my Army days (40+ years ago!) was it was a bitch finding a place to jack off in Basic Training (no stalls in the fucking latrines and no privacy anywhere else). Oh then there were the dangers of catching the clap from those Korean and Mexican whores...but I can't remember too many of us losing their nutsacks! Cheers and thanks for your service in these difficult times!


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