30 January 2006

What If Men Really Ruled The World?

Lets explore an alternate world where the wisdom of women is simply ignored

As a History Major I've read enough world history and I've noticed that men have been in the driver’s seat since the dawn of civilization. Even today, the vast majority of world leaders are men. You might think we do, in fact, rule the world.

Unfortunately, you’d be dead wrong.

Need proof? Go to any supermarket and you’ll immediately notice that the first aisle is full of fresh fruits and vegetables. If men really ruled the world, wouldn’t the first aisle be beer, potato chips and nudey magazines?

Not an earth shattering observation, perhaps, but let’s explore further. If men really ruled the world, would there be any folk singers? Wine and cheese parties? Wicker furniture, galoshes, table manners, or a five day waiting period for handguns? Hell no.

Conclusion? We don’t rule the world.

Men may walk around dressed in the trappings of power, but ultimately we take our cues from the fairer, less hairy, and more civilized sex.

But what if? What if the soft, gentle hand of reason and refinement were removed? What if we had our own bullheaded, deaf to good sense, adolescent way?

SEX AND RELATIONSHIPS
* Any fake phone number a girl gave you would automatically forward your call to her real number.
* Nodding and looking at your watch would be deemed an acceptable response to “I love you.”
* In order to expedite the sleeping together part, eye contact would count as a first date.
* Foreplay would be discarded in favor of a new concept, fourplay.
* A man could give up a lucrative job for a career in the rodeo without having to hold a “family meeting.”
* Hallmark would make “Sorry, what was your name again?” cards.
* Speaking solely in Clint Eastwood quotes would count as “opening up.”
* When your girlfriend really needed to talk to you during the game, she’d appear in a little box in the corner of the screen during a time out.
* Brassieres could be unclasped by gently blowing on them.
* You could never be turned down when asking a woman to dance, because there’d be no more fuckin’ dancing.
* Answering machines would automatically edit out your lame jokes, coughing fits, and long, anguished pauses.
* Breaking up would be a lot easier, a smack on the ass and a “Nice hustle, you’ll get ’em next time” would pretty much do it.
* Birth control would come in ale or lager.
* When women climaxed, they’d make a noise like a pinball machine.

WORK
* You’d be expected to fill your ERB with gag names of people you’d worked for, like “Heywood J’Blowme.”
* At any time, and for any reason, you’d be allowed to build a campfire at your job.
* Each year, your raise would be pegged to the fortunes of the NFL team of your choice.
* The funniest guy at your job would get to be CO.
* Every memo would require, as a cover sheet, a photocopy of the author’s ass.
* “Sorry I’m late, but I got really wasted last night” would be an acceptable excuse and you wouldn't be considered AWOL for it.
* Ties would still be required, but they’d be made of beef jerky.
* At the end of the workday, a whistle would sound and you’d jump out your window and slide down the tail of a brontosaurus and right into your car like Fred Flintstone.

LEISURE
* Flipping the board over in Monopoly would make you the winner.
* It’d be considered harmless fun to gather 30 friends, put on horned helmets, and go pillage a nearby town.
* Lifeguards could remove citizens from beaches for violating the “public ugliness” ordinance.
* Tanks would be far easier to rent.
* Garbage would take itself out.
* Instead of beer belly, you’d get “beer biceps.”
* Easy chairs would give hand jobs.
* All bars and clubs would have comfy “sleep it off” rooms.
* There’d be a spray, similar to the ones that keep pets away from furniture, that would keep your in-laws away from your house.
* Disney World would introduce MedievalTortureLand.
* Car horns would be loud enough to crumble stone walls.

TRADITIONS
* Instead of an expensive engagement ring, you could present your wife to be with a giant foam hand that said, “You’re #1!”
* Dueling would make a big comeback.
* First the cigar, then dessert, and so on back through to the soup…salad only if you still had room.
* Valentine’s Day would be moved to February 29 so it would only occur in leap years. Instead of candy and cards, it would involve a loving exchange of lunch meats.
* Handshakes would be replaced by shoves.
* The National Anthem would be played before the premiere of any porno film.
* On Groundhog Day, if you saw your shadow, you’d get the day off to go drinking. Mother’s Day, too.
* St. Patrick’s Day, however, would remain exactly the same. BUT IT WOULD BE CELEBRATED EVERY MONTH!!!

ENTERTAINMENT
* The Crocodile Hunter would be eaten alive, by what else, a crocodile.
* Cops would be broadcast live, and you could phone in advice to the pursuing cops. Or to the crooks.
* Two words: Jenna Jameson.
* Regis and Kelly would be chained to a cement mixer and pushed off the Golden Gate Bridge for the most lucrative pay per view event in world history.
* Today show host Katie Couric would be replaced by The Incredible Hulk.
* Oprah would become a pro wrestler with the moniker Eater of Worlds.

SPORTS
* The Super Bowl would feature teams composed of actual superheroes.
* The victors in any athletic competition would get to kill and eat the losers.
* The only show opposite Monday Night Football would be Monday Night Football from a Different Camera Angle.
* All auto races would be demolition derbies.

LAWS
* You could murder, with impunity, any man who draws a distinction between heat and humidity.
* It would be perfectly legal to steal a sports car, as long as you returned it the following day with a full tank of gas.
* Every man would get 4 real Get Out of Jail Free cards per year.
* It would be a class-A felony for a man to call himself a feminist.
* Death row gladiator championships.
* Antiquing would be a crime punishable by being flayed alive.
* No highway would have a speed limit, and every one would be shaped like an oval.
* When a cop gave you a ticket, every smart ass answer you responded with would actually reduce your fine. As in:
Cop: “You know how fast you were going?”
You: “All I know is, I was spilling my beer all over the place.”
Cop: “Nice one. That’s $10 off.”

EVERYTHING ELSE
* Elevator close door buttons would be responsive to the point of injury.
* Male nurses would just be called doctors, no matter what their level of training.
* Faucets would run “hot”, “cold,” and “100 proof.”
* The Statue of Liberty would get a bright red, 40-foot thong.
* Sushi would be properly deep fried.
* Instead of Muzak, elevators would play the sounds of slot machine payoffs and machine gun fire at Normandy.
* People would never talk about how fresh they felt.
* Jenna Jameson, Nobel prize–winner.
* No guy would ever be laughed at for making screeching sounds while rounding a corner.
* Never cleaning mold off your shower curtain would count as having a green thumb.
* Daisy Duke shorts would never again go out of style.
* Telephones would automatically cut off after 30 seconds of conversation.
* Nothing would be taken too seriously.

Ah, but what if Women Ruled the World?
* Every time you broke up with a girl, your penis would shrink by one inch.
* In a divorce, the only money a man would be entitled to keep would be one dollar for every minute of postcoital conversation he’d engaged in over the course of the marriage.
* Men would not be allowed to eat gas producing foods within two hours of bedtime.
* Terms of Endearment VII
* All men would wear blinders while walking down the street.
* All toilet seats would be bolted to their bowls.

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