15 January 2006

Sherlock Holmes Vs. John Holmes

Thursday while at the BAS with the other medics doing Tropic Lightning Training we were pondering on who would win head to head between the two most famous Holmes. So we put a list together and below are the results.

One’s a hugely famous private dick; the other…well, you know.



AUSPICIOUS DEBUT
John Holmes - Johnny Wadd
Sherlock Holmes - “A Study in Scarlet”
Edge: John

BODY OF WORK
John Holmes - Starred, often as ace detective Johnny Wadd, in more than 2,200 adult films.
Sherlock Holmes - Starred as an ace detective in 60 stories by Sir Arthur Conan Doyle
Edge: John

ACCOMPLISHMENTS
John Holmes - Nailed 14,000 women
Sherlock Holmes - Nailed dozens of criminals
Edge: John

SUPERHUMAN ENDOWMENT
John Holmes - A dick like one of those thigh-size steel bolts that seal the doors at NORAD
Sherlock Holmes - A mind like a steel trap
Edge: John

OFTEN ACCOMPANIED BY
John Holmes - An endless parade of contortionist nymphomaniacs
Sherlock Holmes - Dr. Watson
Edge: John

SUBSTANCE ABUSE
John Holmes - Cocaine, marijuana, heroin, alcohol
Sherlock Holmes - Cocaine
Edge: Sherlock

ON DESIREABLE WOMEN
John Holmes - “Love the tongue, honey. Love the tongue.”
Sherlock Holmes - “She’s the daintiest thing under a bonnet on the planet.”
Edge: Sherlock

PIPE SIZE
John Holmes - At least 13 inches
Sherlock Holmes - Six inches, with a hook in the middle
Edge: John

EVIL NEMESIS
John Holmes - AIDS
Sherlock Holmes - Moriarty
Edge: Sherlock

PROTECTION
John Holmes - None (oops)
Sherlock Holmes - Oversize raincoat, goofy hat
Edge: Sherlock

AND THE WINNER IS
Ladies’ man John Holmes

Well, now I'm off to confession. Have a blessed Sunday.

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