05 January 2006

Kids Do The Cruelest Things


Looking for unspeakable acts of pain and torture? Take some scary pointers from second graders.

Purple Nurple
Grab your victim’s nipple between your thumb and forefinger. Twist it like a rusted lug nut. This will direct a stream of pure, unflinching, diamond-tipped agony from thorax to cortex. And it’s murder on the self-esteem.

Wet Willie
A mucus moistened finger is twirled in the target’s ear hole. Said maneuver is commonly perpetrated by kids with communicable illnesses. The worst part about it: It kinda feels good. Well, for a while then we feel all dirty inside.

Rat Tail
A locker room favorite. Wind up a towel and dip it in water. Holding the now dripping towel at your side lengthwise, snap it upward toward a bare butt. The result, a searing abrasion. We do this to guys who wear their underwear in the shower.

Noogie
A classic. It involves having your head locked under the armpit of an obese teen with BO. It works best when you rake your knuckles from left to right across the rear of the kid’s scalp, according to one seven year-old expert.

Wedgie
Variations, the Hanging Wedgie, in which you’re hung by your shorts on a hook, and the Reverse Wedgie, a frontal assault that bisects the scrotum like cheese wire through a bag of potatoes. Now people do this to themselves with thongs.

Indian Rope Burn
Grip your buddy’s forearm with both hands and twist in opposite directions until his epidermis takes on the texture of stretched out rubber. Tell him that you’re measuring forearms for a science project. It works on the dumb kids.

Dead Leg
Instructions, Hold on to victim in a manner that makes it impossible for him to move. Knee him repeatedly in the thigh area, over and over and over, always in the same, exact spot. After a few minutes, the leg is as tender as veal

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