17 January 2006

How To Open A Beer Anywhere

While out at a little get together this weekend, my buddies and I came across that our host had no bottle opener. My bud Townsand and I and a few more beers later Richards came up with these bottle cap popping methods every self respecting beer drinker should master.

Any moron can open a brew with a key or flip the lid off with a table edge. But what if there is no key? Or the only table is a family heirloom? What if you just feel like showing off to your wife or girlfriend? Try these alcohol access techniques that are guranteed to work.

Window Lock - Unlock a window and place the lip of the bottle cap under the lip of the latch. The beer is now upside down. Pull the base of the bottle toward you and down (and quickly, for little spillage).

Bathtub Faucet - Settled into the tub but forgot the opener? Insert the top of the bottle into the spout (make sure the water is turned off, dipshit). Push the base of the bottle away from you and ease the top off.

Belt Buckle - Unbuckle your belt. Put the end of the buckle under the lip of the bottle cap, then pry the cap off. You can also use the "female" part of any door lock just like a belt buckle.

Fire Sprinkler - If no one is around at the Aid Station or whereever you work, just climb up on a chair and use the metal band, or collar, around the emergency sprinkler. (Remember to take the cigarette out of your mouth first.)

Seat Belt - Designate somebody as the sober driver (pray to God you dont draw the short straw), then use the hole in the "male" end of the seat belt to pop the lid off your beer.

Hubcap, Trunk - Use a slot in a hubcap, or pop the trunk and employ the hole in the "male" part of the latch.

Fridge Handle - Put the bottle cap between the handle and the door and slide it down (most refrigerator handles angle toward the door at the bottom) until it sticks. With a quick karate chop, knock it down a bit more, then twist the bottle and the top comes off. (But sometimes the handle breaks too.)

Beauty Tools - Flag down any women sporting a decent manicure. Ask her if she has nail clippers or a cuticle shaper (a device with a pointy metal end) that you can use to loosen the bottle cap all the way around until it slips off. Then offer to split your beer with her.

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