05 January 2006

Bucks…Hawaiian Housing Projects

LOTS OF TROUBLE
Learn how to decode real estate ads in Hawaii and you won’t waste time visiting three bedroom outhouses.

BUZZWORDS WHAT THEY REALLY MEAN

Close to schools - Backyard is littered with used condoms and teens panties.

Cozy - Can poke arms and legs out windows; must carry house around, turtle style.

Finished basement - Menacing foundation cracks and evidence of small termite nation are ingeniously paneled over for resale.

Fixer upper’s dream - Your father in law better be a contractor…and really like you.

Walk to town - Prepare to be besieged by Girl Scouts and Jehovah’s Witnesses.

Sun drenched - No roof.

Great starter home - Living room is also master bedroom; sink doubles as toilet; den is behind water heater.

Nice neighborhood - For Hawaiians only. Must octuple lock front door; don’t walk in front of windows at night.

Lovely garden - Fungus is taking over bathrooms at alarming rate.

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