26 January 2006

Bert Is Evil

From his topknot to his withered, useless puppet legs, this muppet is bad news.

You probably remember Bert as a harmless, fuzzy yellow guy with a ‘70s sense of style. Sure, his relationship with same sex bedroom partner Ernie was a bit dicey…but evil? Well, surprise, surprise! Turns out that off camera, Bert is secretly a maniacal fiend.

It has been reported the Sesame Street star helped plan strategy with Osama bin Laden, made a porn video with Pamala Anderson, and (most evil of all) sat on the O.J. legal defense team.

In interviews that I have conducted with Elmo, Kermit, and even Ernie testify that the affable Bert is an addict with connections to South American drug smuggling cartels, and that he has abused, threatened, and tried to rape many of his puppet costars. (This article is not even remotely associated with or endorsed by the Sesame Street folks, of course.)

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