17 December 2005

Eat Junk Food and Live


Just finished off a Spam-stuffed funnel cake? Step this way.


With the possible exception of rectal exam, few words can traumatize a guy more than bran muffin. Eating healthy is just not good for a man’s soul. But the beautiful truth is that it’s possible to snarf down some of the most diabolical meals on the planet every day and still maintain some semblance of a healthy diet. How the heck? Well, I asked a bunch of "experts" here on Schofield and came up with some alternative solutions—to help us set things right after a day of eating all the wrong things. An added bonus: Buck Sergeant Skip's patented Easy Exercise Plan, which can help you fight flab without ever setting foot in a gym.

The Gonzo Breakfast
Three large scrambled eggs, three hubcap-size pancakes with butter and syrup, three sausage links, heapings of home fries and a vat o’ coffee.

What you’ve done to yourself:
With all the grease and questionable animal products you’ve just shoveled in, you’ve consumed 75 percent of the fat, half of the calories and 250 percent of the cholesterol allowed in a single day. And it’s not even 9 A.M.!

The sensible solution:
A light lunch and lean dinner, unless you enjoy shopping at Husky for Men. Try a bowl of non-cream–based soup, such as vegetable or chicken noodle, with a whole-grain roll, says PFC Espinoza, a medic from 5/14 Cav. For dinner, you’re looking at baked skinless chicken (if you’re lucky enough to have someone to cook it for you), a green salad and a baked sweet potato (no butter). Make sure the salad dressing is a vinaigrette, not some artery-clogging goop.

The Buck Sergeant Skip's alternative:
Chocolate-covered peanuts. You read it right. Peanuts may have fat, but it’s of the monounsaturated variety, which helps control cholesterol, says SGT. Appleway, of 1-21 INF. Peanuts also contain resveratrol, which, like aspirin, can prevent heart attacks. And chocolate has recently received better reviews—experts say it contains phenol, an antioxidant.

The Easy Exercise Plan:
A recent study of NASA employees found that men who walked two and a half miles a day gained no weight over a 10-year period; those who didn’t gained 20 pounds. So don’t park in that cushy spot next to your office. Thirty minutes can say sayonara to 215 calories.

The All-American Nightmare Lunch
A whopping bacon double-cheeseburger, supersize fries, a large chocolate milk shake and one of those scalding-hot apple pies.

What you’ve done to yourself:
Congratulations—you’ve eaten more than half the fat and calories you’re supposed to get in a day. “The only good thing about this meal is that you’re getting calcium from the milk shake,” says PFC Espinoza.

The sensible solution:
Again, two moderate meals in a row will have you back on track. For dinner, eat steamed fish with brown rice, a green salad, a dinner roll and fruit. For breakfast the next day, munch on a bowl of bran cereal with skim milk, a few slices of wheat toast (no butter) and a glass of OJ. Stick to these rules and you’ve basically atoned for your nutritional sins.

The Buck Sergeant Skip's alternative:
Instead of that boring fish fillet for dinner, dive into a 10-ounce broiled filet mignon and a glass of red wine (we have a feeling you won’t complain). The protein in your juicy steak stimulates the production of glucagon, a hormone that breaks down fat, says SPC. Coleman of 5/14 Cav, an avid MET-Rx user. As for that beautiful glass of burgundy, it contains ethyl alcohol, which reduces your risk of heart disease by 30 percent. (Remember that 60 Minutes report a couple of years back?)

The Easy Exercise Plan:
Desk push-ups. Shut the door for this one—you don’t want your officemates to think you’re practicing the moves you put on your lady friends. Place your hands on the edge of your desk, palms down, and do push-ups until you feel stupid. This benefits your chest and triceps, and burns extra calories.

The Devil’s Own Dinner
A huge plate of buffalo chicken wings (with gobs of blue-cheese dressing), a monstrous mountain of Nachos Grandissimo, a can of soda (nondiet, of course).

What you’ve done to yourself:
Yes, that sound you hear is your pants exploding. Together, these so-called appetizers contain crazy calories, a day’s worth of fat and so much salt you’ll start seeing mirages.

The sensible solution:
Go for a two-meal return to reality. For breakfast, it’s whole-wheat waffles (buy the frozen ones and top ’em with light syrup and/or margarine), OJ and coffee. For lunch, have a low-cal deli sandwich. “Any sort of low-fat cold cuts will work,” says PFC Espinoza. “Lean turkey, low-fat provolone cheese and light ham…as long as they’re not slathered with mayonnaise.” Slap this and some veggies between two whole-grain slices, and chow down.

The Buck Sergeant Skip's alternative:
Twenty quarts of cabbage soup (or as much as you can take). Sounds crazy? Well, it is. But this East European treat will rehydrate your shriveling blood cells, and while many diets will shock your body into continual cravings, you can eat bowls of cabbage soup without an ounce of worry. In addition, the fiber in the cabbage will flush out your digestive tract, says Major Winters of Landstuhl Regional Medical Center, Gastrointestional Clinic. It’s simple, too: Just tear up a head of cabbage, six large onions, two green peppers and a bunch of celery, and stick ’em in a pot of water. Then throw in one 28-ounce can of tomatoes and one packet of onion soup. Season to taste, obviously.

The Easy Exercise Plan:
Um, how do we put this? Go home early and, er, get it on. “You should always find some time for a good romp in the sheets,” says SPC Denucio, of 325 BSB. “That’ll burn up a lot of those excess calories.” An hour of active sex—who’s heard of inactive sex, anyway?—burns off a whopping 240 calories.

The Booze Bender
Two six-packs of imported beer and more tequila shots than you can remember.

What you’ve done to yourself:
Besides waking up next to the banjo player from Deliverance? You’ve dared your liver to commit hara-kiri, while also funneling all the cals you’re supposed to consume in one day—about 2,000—through, um, eating. But don’t feel guilty about not drinking light beer—apart from tasting like piss water, it’ll still leave you with a gut.

The sensible solution:
To fix your hangover, drink fruit juice for breakfast. You need the sweetness because alcohol depletes blood sugars, says raging alcoholic SPC. Sanders, of 225 BSB; that’s why you feel wobbly the day after. For lunch and dinner, go for any of the low-fat options previously mentioned.

The Buck Sergeant Skip's alternative: Leftover pizza. “Believe it or not, two slices of vegetable-topped pizza and a glass of OJ is a healthy breakfast,” says SSG. Miller, of 1-14 INF. “It contains plenty of nutrients, and it’s not high in fat.”

The Easy Exercise Plan:
Duck out of work early the next day—let’s face it, you’re about as useful as a chocolate coffeepot—and hit the links. Don’t let anyone tell you golf is a sorry excuse for exercise: A full 18 holes can burn off more than 1,200 cals. If you carry your own clubs, three to four hours will undo all the damage.

16 December 2005

The Ale Master

I’m livin’ in Hawaii and just a-tryin’ to earn a dollar. I decided I needed to find a refreshing icy beer to deal with this damn heat. Below are just some of the ones I have discovered.

Yellow Belly
The Minnesota Brewing Company’s “alcoholic alternative beverage” is hyped as “lemon with an attitude.” Translation: Zima and Tom Collins mixer; hold the swizzle. It’s just tart enough to avoid wimpy wine-cooler status. But don’t forget to shake well…the unexplained gray sediment can be unappetizing. *

Pete’s Wicked Honey Wheat
Pete Slosberg’s 11-year-old craft-brew empire, which went public in 1995, has generated quite a buzz for this honey-flavored masterpiece. Caramel malt gives it a smooth, pleasant body—in fact, it’s not terribly “wicked” until you polish off a second six-pack. Make a beeline to the nearest distributor. ***

Pacifico Clara
Cerveceria del Pacifico’s Tex-Mex beer is just the thing for jamming into the sand next to a beach bonfire after a hard day’s surfing. A little heavier than Corona, yes, but it’s not so tastelessly trendy, and you won’t get lime pips caught in your teeth. With its fresh taste and carbonated, lemony bite, it’s a solid thirst quencher. **

Alimony Ale
“The Bitterest Beer in America,” this Buffalo Bill’s Brewery entrant is the darkest, heaviest beer on our list. First brewed in recycled dairy equipment in Hayward, California, this ale has the deep, malty backbone and hoppy aftertang of a stout. But hey, you don’t always want light and refreshing, even in summer—sometimes you just want to sulk. ***

Blue Moon Belgian White
This Coors Brewing Company specialty brewery puts so much TLC into its Belgian White that they can only brew it “once in a blue moon.” Cute, huh? But with cameo appearances by exotics like coriander and orange peel, this complex brew is the gin of beers, and certainly ought to be brewed more often. Say…every full moon? **

Red Stripe
A lager brewed by Desnoes & Geddes in Kingston, Jamaica, this goes down faster than the national bobsled team. Some people think of it as glorified Budweiser, but it’s got more character than that. Remember, it’s Jamaican. Get together with a couple of these and feel all right. **

Samuel Adams Summer Ale
The inventors of the micro brewery/craft brewery craze pulled out all the stops with this tangy wheat beer: lemon flavor, an antique, sharp spice (and reputed aphrodisiac) called grains of paradise, and even an artsy label inspired by Winslow Homer’s paintings. Old Sammy (you know, “Brewer…patriot”) would be proud. ***

Saranac Golden Pilsener
Brewed by Matt Brewing Company in Utica, New York, this aromatic American wheat beer has a strong personality. It’s flowery, grainy, hoppy…hell, it’s a whole damn meadow in a bottle. But it’s a reliable pal with the character to stand up to pizza, seafood, even cigars without backing down. **

Jet City Triple 7 Nectar
If you really, really, really like apricot, this is the beer for you. Jet City Brewery in Seattle (home of Boeing) gives aviation names to all its beers, so to commemorate the virgin flight of the Triple 7, the world’s most powerful twin jet aircraft, they blended seven ingredients seven times and fermented for seven days for this fruity extravaganza. *

Oregon Hefeweizen
Tough day splitting logs? Probably can’t do much better than one of these. A medium-bodied wheat beer with a clean, crisp, hoppy taste. Oh, and don’t worry about that authentic Northwest cloudiness: Oregon Ale and Beer Company leaves in the yeast sediment, free of charge, for extra home-brew flavor. ***

Celis Raspberry
Take a traditional Belgian “white” beer, stir in some raspberry juice, and what do you get? Well, if you’re the Celis Brewery (we know–you’re not) you get this sweetly syrupy dessert brew. Not the one to have if you’re having more than one (or if you’re a diabetic); but when what you want is an after-dinner-Jacuzzi, sippin’ beer, look no further. *

Sol Especial
Light, smoothly mellow, and best when served freezing cold, Sol is the perfect party starter, neatly turning siesta into fiesta. The original Cerveceria Moctezuma brewery, where Sol is made, was founded by Mexicans of German extraction—try it with your next batch of sauerkraut burritos! **

*WARNING, IF YOU TRY THE ABOVE MENTIONED BEERS WHILE OUT*


Police are warning all men who frequent clubs, parties and local pubs to be alert and stay cautious when offered a drink from any woman.

Many females use a date rape drug on the market called "Beer". The drug is found in liquid form and available anywhere. It comes in bottles, cans, from taps and in large "kegs".

"Beer" is used by female sexual predators at parties and bars to persuade their male victims to go home and have sex with them.

A woman needs only to get a guy to consume a few units of "Beer" and then simply ask him home for no strings attached sex.

Men are rendered helpless against this approach. After several "Beers", men will often succumb to the desires to perform sexual acts on women whom they would never normally be attracted.

After drinking "Beer", men often awaken with only hazy memories of exactly what happened to them the night before, often with just a vague feeling that "something bad" occurred.

At other times, these unfortunate men are swindled out of their life's savings, in a familiar scam known as "a relationship." In extreme cases, the female may even be shrewd enough to entrap the unsuspecting male into a longer-term form of servitude and punishment referred to as "marriage".

Men are much more susceptible to this scam after "Beer" is administered and sex is offered by the predatory females.

Please forward this warning to every male you know. If you fall victim to this "Beer" and the women administering it, there are male support groups where you can discuss the details of your shocking encounter with similarly affected like-minded guys. For the support group nearest you, just look up "Golf Courses" in the phone book.

15 December 2005

Water Cooler Talk

Virtually every profession has its own terminology: In politics, for example, “suckers” is a friendly euphemism for “voters.” Here’s a sampling.

Skydivers
DILDO - A hot-dog-shaped handle for deploying the main parachute
People Processor - An airplane propellor
Frappe - Hit the ground at high speed because of lack of a deceleration device, such as a parachute

Flight Attendants
Cockpit Queen - A flight attendant who spends a lot of time socializing with the pilots Hockey Pucks The small sandwiches served to passengers
Miracle Flight - When a passenger boards the plane in a wheelchair (thus going on board before the other passengers), but walks off the plane with everyone else on arrival
Roach Coach - A cheap charter flight

Medical Workers
Bobbing for Apples - Unblocking a badly constipated patient with one’s finger
Code Yellow - When a catheter breaks and the patient is covered in urine
Gork - A patient who is severely mentally impaired, comatose, or possibly brain-dead
Loose Change - A nearly severed limb that will require amputation

Garbage Collectors
Mungo - Discarded items good enough for a garbageman to cull and keep
Toss the Salad - To throw garbage into the truck; also, to mechanically churn and compact the garbage
Motorized Rice - Maggots

12 December 2005

169 Lies You Can Tell

Whether you’re at a party, in court or just giving directions to an elderly woman, it pays to lie every chance you get. Why? Because through my tireless research liars live six years longer than nonliars.


1. I am the great-great-great-grandson of James K. Polk.

2. I was spotting Joey Fatone at the gym the other day, and he farted on his last rep.

3. My father Is the reason we have daylight saving time.

4. I once delivered a pizza to Eddie Murphy’s mother.

5. My cousin is Uma Thurman’s personal chef, and he was given orders by her to put tapeworm eggs in her food.

6. My AUNT was one of those people who got killed when that giant balloon went out of control at the Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade.

7. Barry Bonds cheated off me in high school and gave me steriods.

8. Bette Midler used to live in my apartment building.

9. I’m the reason you can’t smoke at gas stations.

10. My parents participated in that famous Masters and Johnson sex survey. Dad still won’t talk about it.

11. My neighbor invented Formula 409, but he didn’t get rich from it because he was under contract to the Clorox company at the time. He’s not that bitter about it, though. He’s dead, actually.

12. My second cousin is the one who came up with those weird ads for Mentos. He’s from some weird ass European country, I think France.

13. You know when that little girl fell down the well in Texas? The same thing happened to me the next week, but no one cared anymore.

14. My mother invented those little refrigerator-poetry magnets. It was all an accident.

15. I met the girl who had her leg cut off by Stephen Dorff’s boat. They still keep in touch.

16. When I was a kid at fat camp, a fellow camper, Chris Farley, rolled me my first joint.

17. I almost made it into Menudo, but the casting guy didn’t think I looked “Hispanic enough.” The guy who got the gig was Ricky Martin.

18. I’m Tom Skerritt’s doctor. Did you know he has only one testicle?

19. I got a girl from The Facts of Life pregnant. I can’t remember which one, though.

20. Listen—I went to school with Corky, and he’s not retarded. It’s a fucking act. Now he’s got a seat on the Stock Exchange.

21. My grandmother is the world’s most successful wallpaper designer.

22. I’m J.D. Salinger’s personal assistant. I’m not allowed to tell anyone where he lives.

23. These bowls were handmade by actor Lance Henriksen.

24. My dad is a cop. One day he arrested the guy who played Greg Brady for indecent exposure. Or so he thought. Turned out it was just an incredible look-alike.

25. I went to high school with Adam Goldberg. After gym class, he used to shower with his underwear on.

26. My older brother was one of those kids who killed himself in the ’80s because he listened to too much death metal. It took a long time, but I think I’m finally over it.

27. I invented Jenga.

28. I gave a blood transfusion to William Daniels, the voice of KITT on Knight Rider. He even called to thank me personally.

29. My father was at that bank the day Patty Hearst robbed it.

30. I lost my virginity to Mayim Bialik at her parents’ lake cabin.

31. My mother’s baby-sitter was Jerry Orbach’s older sister.

32. You know that scar Charlie Sheen has on his jaw? Ask him who gave it to him.

33. I am the Midwest’s number-one collector of PEZ dispensers.

34. My aunt is a receptionist in the office of the doctor who misdiagnosed Jim Henson.

35. I’m in a crowd scene in My Best Friend’s Wedding. If you look closely, you can see me in the background giving the devil sign.
36. My great-grandfather wrote the fifth telegram ever sent.

37. You know college-rule notebook paper? My grandfather was the one who decided exactly how narrow the lines would be.

38. My roommate in college was Jeremy Baskin, grandson of the founder of Baskin-Robbins ice cream.

39. I made out with Miss New Hampshire once at a keg party. She was wasted!

40. My aunt was the first female CPA in the state of Ohio. She cries when you bring it up.

41. They named a disease after my brother. What? Oh, you’ve probably never heard of it.

42. When I was seven, I fell from a third-floor balcony and didn’t break a single bone.

43. I was the first person in North America to see Life Is Beautiful.

44. My parents were married on a ship by Gavin MacLeod. He’s an ordained minister.

45. You ever see Peggy Sue Got Married? It was shot at my high school.

46. When I was little, I put my finger in the world’s largest pumpkin pie right before it was to be shot for The Guinness Book of World Records. That’s why there’s no picture of it in the book.

47. My great-grandfather punched Hitler.

48. My parents took my sister and me to see Sesame Street on Ice and I threw up on Big Bird. They had to stop the show until they cleaned him up.

49. My cousin asked Richard Gere for an autograph at a restaurant. Gere yelled at him until he realized he was deaf. Then he gave him the finger.

50. I ran into JM J. Bullock at a bar, and he tried to steal my wallet. Twice.

51. My aunt used to baby-sit for Jan from The Brady Bunch, and after she became famous, she completely forgot about her.

52. My uncle was a cop in the ’70s, and he was the inspiration for the TV show Baretta. He even met Robert Blake a few times. He told me Blake’s a complete psycho who most definitely killed his wife.

53. My gay cousin Salvatore once saw one of those bar guys from Cheers in a bathhouse giving a blow job to some bodybuilder.

54. My uncle is a little person.

55. I have an extra kidney.

56. When I was younger, I spoke fluent French. But now I remember only a few words.

57. I was on the same Little League team with Jay-Z. He struck out, like, every time he was at bat.

58. I got in a fender bender with Matthew Perry. He was a real dick about it.

59. I am unable to see the color yellow.

60. I have type O-negative blood. You know, the universal donor.

61. I’m two percent Cherokee.

62. i used to weigh 400 pounds, but I got my stomach stapled-by some guy at work.

63. If you smoke potpourri, you can pass any Breathalyzer test-no matter how drunk you are.

64. I once overheard Robert Loggia refer to himself as “the greatest living actor on the face of the planet.”

65. Mark Wahlberg once asked me if he could borrow a pen in a bar. I just laughed and was like, “You’re Marky Mark!” Then he got pissed and walked away.

66. My great-uncle was on the Apollo 1. You know, the one that burned up on the launchpad.

67. My great-great-great-grandfather discovered Alaska.

68. When I was three years old, my family lived in an old school bus.

69. Patrick Swayze was on the flag corps at my older cousin’s high school.

70. I can bake the best German chocolate cake you’ve ever tasted.

71. My great-great-great-great-great-grandfather was the guy who shot Crispus Attucks.

72. Schindler’s List is about my great-uncle.

73. I was thrown through a plate-glass window one time. I landed on Gabe Kaplan.

74. My brother got accepted into the operations division of the CIA. We don’t see him much anymore, but he travels a lot in South America.

75. I was in Vegas one time and the bearded sidekick from Home Improvement sat down to play blackjack at my table. Man, he didn’t know shit about blackjack.

76. I’ve killed only one deer in my life. It was more of a mercy killing, though. It had been crippled by a car, so I finished it off with my Swiss Army knife. It was really the only humane thing to do.

77. My dad looks just like Brian Dennehy. Sounds like him, too.

78. I had a girlfriend once who could only get off if I wore a bulldog Halloween mask when we had sex. It was fucking creepy.

79. My parents’ neighbor was the last man to operate a guillotine for the French government.
80. I went to grade school with Freddie Prinze Jr. He used to catch tadpoles in the lake by the football field and squeeze them till their eyes popped out.

81. I have a third and a fourth nipple.

82. My friend’s uncle was a Navy SEAL, and he had to swim across the Gulf of Tonkin to China after escaping from a POW camp during the Vietnam War. He hasn’t been swimming since.

83. My cousin was the first woman to successfully eat a lightbulb. But she only did it once.

84. I was in a bad car accident when I was 14. Doctors had to rebuild my entire face. You can’t tell it’s me when you look at pictures of me as a kid.

85. I knew a guy in my high school whose car went off the road when he was drunk and ended up in Lake Mead. They recovered the car, but not the body#&151;he’d gotten out, drowned and gone through the turbines at the Hoover Dam. He was on his way back from my graduation party.
86. My ex was in rehab with Steven Tyler. All Tyler did was talk on his cell phone and fold his clothes.

87. My grandfather treated all the male actors on Bonanza for gonorrhea, one after the other. Lorne Greene had to come in, like, three times. But only for checkups.

88. My brother-in-law had a bit part in an episode of Mad About You, and Helen Hunt taught him how to juggle.

89. If you look closely at the moon-landing film, you can see some of the “stars” swinging back and forth. Apparently some dude left a fan on.

90. You know who did the voice of Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer? Not me, but I auditioned for the role when I was in second grade.

91. I was born with a second tongue, but my parents had it removed. You can still kind of see the scar.

92. Leonardo Da Vinci did a sketch of a “manual organization device” that looked a lot like a Palm Pilot.

93. My older sister was born at Woodstock just as Jimi Hendrix started playing “The Star-Spangled Banner.” To this day, she’s terrified of the national anthem.

94. I’m allergic to Chinese people. The doctors don’t know if it’s something about their diet, or what; I can’t even drive through Chinatown without swelling up.

95. I never learned how to drink through a straw. Mom never let us use straws when we were kids.

96. My cousin had a stillborn baby with two heads and three legs. Michael Jackson offered to buy it.

97. If you feed a seagull a Wow! potato chip, it will explode.

98. My uncle designs bunny molds for Easter candy. He’s gay.

99. I know this girl who’s a receptionist at Miramax, and she says most actresses have flatulence problems. And Judi Dench is, like, always drunk.

100. My cousin was the first person to get busted for Internet kiddie porn, even though he was just checking out a Web site dedicated to baby animals.

101. The real reason they say, “Break a leg” in the theater is because, back in the Middle Ages, they would literally break an actor’s legs if he didn’t have a good performance. Therefore, if you break a leg onstage, you don’t have to have it broken afterward.

102. When I was in high school, Ben Affleck tried to sell me steroids. But once I saw his pimple-addled back, I said no way.

103. I used to work for a prominent New York City urologist. One time Charlie Sheen, with the aid of a middle-aged Asian prostitute, came in with a pen stuck in his penis. The weird thing: He didn’t want it removed!

104. If a woman wears high heels too often, she can rupture her spleen.

105. After having my appendix removed in high school, I woke up from the anesthesia to find the nurse fellating me.

106. I lost two teeth in a bar brawl with Mickey Rourke.

107. There’s a mixed drink named after me in the Yukon Territory. It’s mostly vodka.
108. I own a hang glider, but I barely use it anymore.

109. My brother is a professional crossword-puzzle writer for The New York Times. It doesn’t really pay that well.

110. I sculpted that famous statue of Rocky Balboa in front of the Spectrum in Philadelphia.

111. Whenever it’s about to hail, my left knee starts to ache. But it only works with hail.

112. Charles Durning is allergic to cheddar cheese. I was at a restaurant when he accidentally ate some in a twice-baked potato. His throat almost swelled shut.

113. I own the world’s most extensive laser-disc collection. Who needs DVDs?

114. My grandfather holds the patent on salad-bar sneeze guards. The idea came to him when he sneezed at a salad bar one time.

115. Peru is the only civilized nation in the world that still openly accepts cannibalism.

116. If you train it, a manatee can learn to respond to its own name.

117. My uncle designed a car engine that runs on water, but he was paid an undisclosed sum by a large car company not to announce it to the public. If I told you the name of the company, he would kill me. He tried once.

118. Andy Warhol crashed on my dad’s living room couch for three weeks back in the ’60s. It was there that he started painting those stupid soup cans.

119. My brother was blackballed from the key-grip union after he crossed a picket line.

120. I valet-parked Penn & Teller’s car. They gave me a $100 bill as a tip, but right before my eyes, it changed into a five.

121. In some parts of Northern Africa, ice is bartered at a higher price than pure gold.

122. Jeff Spicoli was based on an actual guy who went to my college.

123. I was born 14 weeks premature.

124. I was the first guy ever to use the phrase “Time wounds all heels.” It was in a letter to the editor of TV Guide.

125. You know how George Clooney used to be a construction worker? He helped build my junior-high gym.

126. I was upgraded to first class on a flight to L.A. a few years ago and sat next to Ted Danson. Right before we landed, he started crying.

127. My bones have no marrow.

128. My uncle was an alternate to go on the Challenger’s final flight.

129. Twice a year-when the tides are just right-you can walk from Alaska to Russia.

130. All humans can sleep standing up if they have to. It comes from being cavemen, when we had to stay alert.

131. Ounce for ounce, the hair in your nose is stronger than Kevlar.

132. I was once clinically dead for three and a half minutes.

133. On her deathbed, my grandma told us that she once gave Spiro Agnew a hand job in an empty theater. After she told us, she took a deep breath and died. She was at peace.

She Wants You


Only in your dreams do unfamiliar babes at parties hold up signs urging you to “Come and get it!” In the waking world, you have to decipher more subtle, unconscious signals, according to Allan Pease’s book Signals: How to Use Body Language for Power, Success, and Love.

If She tosses her head…
…or lets her hair fall onto her face and peers out from under her cage o’ locks, holding your gaze—you’re in.

If She exposes her wrists…
…it’s a subtle come-on. (The bondage imagery won’t be lost on the discriminating male.)

If She spreads her legs…
…or strikes a wide-legged stance, she’s either hot for your bones or has a serious thong-wedgie situation.

If She thrusts her foot…
…or moves her tootsies in and out of her shoe, it’s more classic nookie symbolism. (Don’t ask her if she’s got bunions.)

If She flashes her neck…
…it’s a come-hither sign of passivity. (If she flashes her breasts, you’re either at Mardi Gras or your alarm clock is about to go off.)

If She fondles cylindrical objects…
…or starts running her fingers up and down the stem of her wineglass, she’s—well, what do you think?

One final note: The finger still means go away.

11 December 2005

It's On The House


At a bar but out of cash? To squeeze ‘em for one more golden brewski, try:



The Bamboozle.
Take your empty beer bottle into the men’s room and fill ’er up with tepid water. Then, belly up to a hectic stretch of the bar and tell the ’keep he’s mistakenly given you a warm one. He’ll clutch the bottle, look puzzled, toss it, and fetch you another coldie. Maybe he’ll even apologize!

The Switcheroo.
Gravitate with your almost-empty toward a big, tipsy group ordering a monster round. Get in close and wait for their dozen cold ones to land on the counter, then “accidentally” pick up one of the new beverages instead of your backwash-y bottle.

The Butterfingers.
Pick a well-heeled patron, shadow him until he jogs your arm, and drop your near-empty beer. Nine times out of ten, the guy will buy you a new one—and if he doesn’t, the bartender will.

The Mourner.
Appear down in the dumps at a friendly tavern, and any self-respecting bartender will ask what’s wrong and pour a freebie. Go ahead, embellish: Losing a job or girlfriend merits a free draft by law in most states.
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