09 December 2005

Porno Patrol

With terrorism completely under control and identity theft a rare crime, the FBI is turning its attention to the real criminals: pornographers.

According to the Washington Post, Congress gave the FBI a mandate this year assigning 10 agents to stopping adults from purchasing videos of your favorite starlets in compromising situations. Luckily, we obtained an internal memo from FBI headquarters outlining the qualifications for this very important task force. So start embellishing your resumé, and maybe you can help bust your dad when he tries to purchase Young and Flexible XVII at the local video store.

Anti-Obscenity Task Force Officer

Company: Federal Bureau of Investigation

Salary: $35 per hour (with an extra $200 bonus per day for halting any objects from going from the ass to the mouth)

Successful applicants must be able to:

- Quickly identify sexual positions such as "doggie style," "cowgirl," "reverse cowgirl," and "Mexican alarm clock"

- Feign ignorance as to who Ron Jeremy is—but maintain a silent appreciation for his acting skills

- Maintain focus, awareness, and flaccidity in an environment filled with moaning and ass-slapping distractions

- Avoid allergic reactions to latex, whipped cream, and anal

- Understand that Shaving Ryan's Privates is not a sequel to a Tom Hanks' movie

- Uphold the notion that sex is a dirty, filthy, and disgusting activity that should not be enjoyed by anyone—especially Democrats

Squad members will also be expected to complete the following courses at FBI Academy (graduates of Arizona State are exempt from taking these courses):

- "I'm Here to Fix the Cable" and Other Porno Lies

- Sex Toys 101: Dildo Classification

- Identifying Fake Breasts: Are They Real, and Who Cares?

- Just Close Your Eyes and Hold On: How to Survive as a Fluffer

- From the Roman Coliseum to Under the Floorboards of Your Older Brothers' Room: A History of Pornographic Consumption

And The Winning Unit Is

Constituted in the regular Army on 2 February, 1901 at Fort Leavenworth, Kansas, the 14th Cavalry Regiment was baptized in fire in 1903 in the insurgency campaigns of the Philippines. Upon successful completion of that campaign in 1906, the Regiment then returned home to the United States and took up garrisons in the Pacific Northwest, where it assumed peacetime duties. The Regiment was again called back to the Philippines in 1909, although this time it was only engaged in garrison duties and training.
Then in 1912, the Regiment was called for service in the Mexican campaign, joining General "Black Jack" Pershing's expeditionary forces in the summer of 1916, chasing bandits throughout the dust and heat of the Mexican plains. The Regiment then returned back to Texas, where it began the task of border patrolling until 1918, when it was called into service in Europe. The Armistice at Versailles was signed before the Regiment could cross the Atlantic, and the Regiment reassumed its' border patrol mission.
In 1920, the 14th Cavalry moved to Iowa, and for approximately the next two decades served in peacetime capacity. In 1942, the Regiment was inactivated, and from its' lineage came the 14th Armored Regiment. On 28 August 1944, the 14th Cavalry Group sailed for Europe, where it landed on Omaha Beach on 30 September 1944, and pressed east. On 18 October, the unit was split with the 18th Squadron attached to the 2nd Infantry Division, and the 32nd Squadron attached to the 83rd Infantry Division.
On 12 December 1944, the headquarters element regained its' autonomy, and began guarding the Losheim Gap in Belgium. Then, on 16 December 1944, its' turrets rang in anger as the 14th Cavalry Group received the full brunt of the German winter counter-offensive in the Battle of the Bulge. After two days of savage fighting, the unit re-assembled at Vielsam, Belgium and was attached to the 7th Armored Division. On 23 December 1944, the unit held the southern flank of the perimeter, and allowed friendly troops to withdraw. On 25 December 1944 the unit was re-equipped, attached the XVIII Airborne Corps, and moved back into the "Bulge" to push back the Nazi foe.
After the bloody and brutal fight in the Ardennes, the regiment was assigned to the 3rd U.S. Army, and ended the war near the Austrian border. After the Armistice, the Regiment was re-flagged as the 14th Constabulatory Regiment in the U.S. Army of Occupation. The Regiment was later re-designated the 14th Armored Cavalry Regiment in 1948, and served on the border, guarding freedom's frontier to include the Fulda Gap, until the colors were cased in 1972.
The Regiment was then activated again on 15 September 2000 as the U.S. Army's first Reconnaissance, Surveillance, and Target Acquisition (RSTA) Squadrons in the Stryker Brigade Combat Teams. 1st Squadron, assigned to 3d BDE, 2d ID deployed in support of OIF 2, and was relieved by 2d Squadron, which was assigned to 1st BDE, 25th ID. 4th Squadron, assigned to the 172d SBCT assumed the mission in Iraq subsequent to the redeployment of 2-14 in September 2005. The newest Squadron, 5th Squadron, began its history on 13 October 2005 as part of 2d BDE, 25th ID at Schofield Barracks, HI.

Home Sweet Home

The day has finally come, made it to Hawaii and have settled into our "beautiful" home. The flight over here went well and the kids behaved themselves. The family and I settled into temporary lodging as we put our name on the wait list for housing. I was told 60 days, well to my surprise we got housing in 9 days. I looked over the house and had to accept it, becuase if we didn't we would be put down on bottom of wait list and lose our tla. Well the house is pure shit. It's only about 20 years old and by the look of the post we got lucky with this house. The very first night in it our refrigerator broke down, the next day the upstairs toilet broke, then the upstairs sink, then the doorbell, then the downstairs sink, then the downstairs toilet, then the bugs came into effect all within a matter of 10 days living there. If this was off post quarters the Army would've pulled us out of there. But with the privatization hell no, we still pay the full bah ammount as someone who received a new house. That's another topic to hit on. I was told there was no way in hell I would be able to get a new house as the wait list was too long, well the very next day after I got my house a buddy of mine and his family got a brand new house. I was pissed. I can live and adapt pretty much anywhere, but with my wife and kids at hand it sent me and my wife off the hook. The situation just was not fair. At Ft. Bragg you could pick the community you wanted to live and wait till it became available, we waited 6 months for our home there, but not here. Butwe are making due and "upgrading" our "beautiful" home with paint, flowers and just some good tlc.

25th Reception was a joke. The NCO's there thought they were Drill Sergeants to the young soldiers just out of AIT. What should take only 2 days to in-process, I was there for 16 days. The final day they seperated us into the different Brigades we were assigned to, only for me not to have my name called off. That really pissed me of after wiating 16 days and 3 hours information not to be called. Well, they threw me in with a brand new Stryker unit just activated about 30 days prior. I was like cool shit, a new high speed unit to go to, learn and do new stuff. Well, there isn't any equipment at all at this unit, they coldn't even supply us with the unit crest, lol. After, a week, lol, inprocessing with the unit, it should only take 5 minutes, I have come to find out there are no more slots for E-5's there. This whoe process has been one big cluster fuck after another. This is a Division going into battle some this summer/fall. I do understand though that shit does happen and this time it has happend to me, so I just deal with it, drink some water and drive on.

Now about this wonderful island of Oahu, it is simply awesome. We go shopping every weekend and to the beach. The kids are having a blast. My little girl is a bit homesick, but she loves her new school and of course loves the beach. My son, is really happy wherever he is, but everytime he sees water he wants to run in it. And of course when he sees a pretty lady on the beach he has to say "hubba hubba". Just like his old man. The jiu jitsu schools over here are the best I have ever been around. Im constantly getting my ass kicked, its fun though and a great workout.

The wife and I would love to settle down here after I retire, but it all depends on the cash, cause its so damn expensive over here. A single family home runs about $600,000. We will see though through time and we are going to enjoy our time here for the next three years while we are here. We have just begun!

This Day In History

1835 The Texan Army captures San Antonio

Inspired by the spirited leadership of Benjamin Rush Milam, the newly created Texan Army takes possession of the city of San Antonio, an important victory for the Republic of Texas in its war for independence from Mexico.

Milam was born in 1788 in Frankfort, Kentucky. He became a citizen and soldier of Mexico in 1824, when newly independent Mexico was still under a republican constitution. Like many Americans who immigrated to the Mexican state of Texas, Milam found that the government both welcomed and feared the growing numbers of Americans, and treated them with uneven fairness. When Milam heard in 1835 that Santa Ana had overthrown the Mexican republic and established himself as dictator, Milam renounced his Mexican citizenship and joined the rag-tag army of the newly proclaimed independent Republic of Texas.

After helping the Texas Army capture the city of Goliad, Milam went on a reconnaissance mission to the southwest but returned to join the army for its planned attack on San Antonio-only to learn that the generals were postponing the attack on San Antonio for the winter. Aware that Santa Ana's forces were racing toward Texas to suppress the rebellion, Milam worried that any hesitation would spell the end of the revolution. Milam made an impassioned call for volunteers, asking: "Who will go with old Ben Milam into San Antonio?"

Inspired by Milam's bold challenge, three hundred men did volunteer, and the Texas Army began its attack on San Antonio at dawn on December 5. By December 9, the defending forces of the Mexican army were badly beaten, and the commanding general surrendered the city. Milam, however, was not there to witness the results of his leadership--he was killed instantly by a sniper bullet on December 7. If Milam had survived, he might well have been among the doomed defenders of the Alamo that were wiped out by Santa Ana's troops the following March.

08 December 2005

This Day In History


John Lennon, a former member of the Beatles, the rock group that transformed popular music in the 1960s, is shot and killed by an obsessed fan in New York City. The 40-year-old artist was entering his luxury Manhattan apartment building when Mark David Chapman shot him four times at close range with a .38-caliber revolver. Lennon, bleeding profusely, was rushed to the hospital but died en route. Chapman had received an autograph from Lennon earlier in the day and voluntarily remained at the scene of the shooting until he was arrested by police. For a week, hundreds of bereaved fans kept a vigil outside the Dakota--Lennon's apartment building--and demonstrations of mourning were held around the world.

John Lennon was one half of the singing-songwriting team that made the Beatles the most popular musical group of the 20th century. The other band leader was Paul McCartney, but the rest of the quartet--George Harrison and Ringo Starr--sometimes penned and sang their own songs as well. Hailing from Liverpool, England, and influenced by early American rock and roll, the Beatles took Britain by storm in 1963 with the single "Please Please Me." "Beatlemania" spread to the United States in 1964 with the release of "I Want to Hold Your Hand," followed by a sensational U.S. tour. With youth poised to break away from the culturally rigid landscape of the 1950s, the "Fab Four," with their exuberant music and good-natured rebellion, were the perfect catalyst for the shift.

The Beatles sold millions of records and starred in hit movies such as A Hard Day's Night (1964). Their live performances were near riots, with teenage girls screaming and fainting as their boyfriends nodded along to the catchy pop songs. In 1966, the Beatles gave up touring to concentrate on their innovative studio recordings, such as 1967's Sgt. Pepper's Lonely Heart's Club Band, a psychedelic concept album that is regarded as a masterpiece of popular music. The Beatles' music remained relevant to youth throughout the great cultural shifts of the 1960s, and critics of all ages acknowledged the songwriting genius of the Lennon-McCartney team.

Lennon was considered the intellectual Beatle and certainly was the most outspoken of the four. He caused a major controversy in 1966 when he declared that the Beatles were "more popular than Jesus," prompting mass burnings of Beatles' records in the American Bible Belt. He later became an anti-war activist and flirted with communism in the lyrics of solo hits like "Imagine," recorded after the Beatles disbanded in 1970. In 1975, Lennon dropped out of the music business to spend more time with his Japanese-born wife, Yoko Ono, and their son, Sean. In 1980, he made a comeback with Double-Fantasy, a critically acclaimed album that celebrated his love for Yoko and featured songs written by her.

On December 8, 1980, their peaceful domestic life on New York's Upper West Side was shattered by 25-year-old Mark David Chapman. Psychiatrists deemed Chapman a borderline psychotic. He was instructed to plead insanity, but instead he pleaded guilty to murder. He was sentenced to 20 years to life. In 2000, New York State prison officials denied Chapman a parole hearing, telling him that his "vicious and violent act was apparently fueled by your need to be acknowledged." He remains behind bars at Attica Prison in New York State.

John Lennon is memorialized in "Strawberry Fields," a section of Central Park across the street from the Dakota that Yoko Ono landscaped in honor of her husband.

07 December 2005

The Passing Of Time

As this 64th Anniversary of Pearl Harbor comes to a close, I reflect on the passing of time. As the soldiers from one War in a bygone era die off, those of a new era, and a new War, come of age. Such, unfortunately, is the state of the World. And as we face enemies in Iraq and Afghanistan today, I am compelled to examine the similarities and differences between this War and the War that embroiled the globe just over 60 years ago.

Both Wars began in the same way, with devastating, unexpected attacks on our own soil. In both cases the enemy who directly attacked us, in a way, played 'second fiddle' to another enemy. In World War II, Roosevelt felt it equally as important to pursue the Nazi's, who had never actually attacked us, in the same way Bush has become equally as focused on Iraq as he has on Afgahnistan. Both leaders had good, justifiable reasons to include these other nations into the scope of their respective War.

In both cases the non-attacker who was pursued was a mass-murdering dictator. Both were fascists. Hitler, however, did his murder on a much grander scale and in a much more methodical way than Saddam, although both used religion as a means of determining their victims.

Then, as now, and perhaps always, Americans found an ally 'across the pond' in England. Of course, she no longer controls a quarter of the world's territory, yet, England still answers the call by sending Her Majesty's Soldiers. Unfortunately, no matter how highly you regard Tony Blair, he is no Churchill; and in the same way, Bush has not the leadership talents of Roosevelt.

In modern times, liberals decry the Bush relationship with Saudi Arabia, yet in World War II we allied ourselves with the most ruthless man of all time: Joseph Stalin. In the same way the alliance with the USSR was neccesary to defeat Hitler, the help of the Saudi's will be required for success in the Middle East. Once again, both are justifiable actions. On a differenet note, let us hope that the way we ignored the Soviet threat in the aftermath World War II will not resemble our future policy towards Saudi Arabia, North Korea and Iran.

Both FDR and Bush racked up massive wartime debts and, as a result of the Military spending, both had amazing Economic production and results. As awful as it may seem, War is good for the economy, and that's the bottom line. In fact, the lowest unemployment rate in our Nation's history was in 1942-3: a staggering less-than 1%.

In the aftermath of 9/11 the hatred of Muslims much resembled the distrust of Japanes-Americans in the aftermath of Pearl Harbor. Of course, the Muslims of today had it far easier, as all they have to endure are scowls and a few extra minutes in the airport security line. This, in stark contrast to the Japanese internment camps of the early 1940's.

Nonetheless, we find the media, and its role, has changed much since the Second World War. The cries to be accepting of Muslim's are a far cry from the cartoon-like ridicules of Hirohito and Tojo that were seen in World War II era newspapers. The footage of the War presented to Americans in World War II consisted mainly of the newsreels shown in movie theaters, nowadays CNN is live in Baghdad before our own troops even get there.

After Pearl Harbor Americans were united as never before. However, within weeks of Bush declaring War on Afghanistan, the protesters had hit the streets demanding that action against the Taliban be halted. And then came Iraq, and the children of the protest-happy Vietnam era reared their collective, ugly head.

President Bush could not ever dream of using propganda for the War today, but "I Want You" is one of the most enduring images from World War II. The debacle of the United Nations, was, thankfully, not present to hinder and disturb FDR, yet it has manifestied itself in all kinds of ways in the War on Terror.

Prior to Pearl Harbor our reason for remaing peaceful was isolationism; pre-9/11, a combination of our collective ignorance and the look-the-other-way strategy of the Clinton Administration caused us to ignore that which we now fight.

Perhaps, the most obvious difference lies with the fighting styles. The Greatest Generation combated the Armies of Nation's; the soldiers of today are fighting guerillas who appear in a variety of outfits.

The passing of time changes many things, yet one thing remains constant, the evil we see in the World. Yes, evil, that's the right word. Conservatives usually catch a lot of crap for saying that word, but that's okay. The other thing that seems to remain constant is that American Soldiers are the ones fighting that evil. Whether you agree or disagree with the War in Iraq, one thing must be admitted: the spirit of the American G.I remains unchanged by time. He still selflessly fights for good and truth, with courage and strength, just as he did in World War II.

December 7th, 2005 has now faded to December 8th and my reflection has come to an end. However, in honor of those who perished on that Date of Infamy, I leave with this quote from Ronald Reagan: "We will always remember. We will always be proud. We will always be prepared, so we may always be free."

06 December 2005

This Day In History


At 7:55 a.m. Hawaii time, a Japanese dive bomber bearing the red symbol of the Rising Sun of Japan on its wings appears out of the clouds above the island of Oahu. A swarm of 360 Japanese warplanes followed, descending on the U.S. naval base at Pearl Harbor in a ferocious assault. The surprise attack struck a critical blow against the U.S. Pacific fleet and drew the United States irrevocably into World War II.

With diplomatic negotiations with Japan breaking down, President Franklin D. Roosevelt and his advisers knew that an imminent Japanese attack was probable, but nothing had been done to increase security at the important naval base at Pearl Harbor. It was Sunday morning, and many military personnel had been given passes to attend religious services off base. At 7:02 a.m., two radio operators spotted large groups of aircraft in flight toward the island from the north, but, with a flight of B-17s expected from the United States at the time, they were told to sound no alarm. Thus, the Japanese air assault came as a devastating surprise to the naval base.

Much of the Pacific fleet was rendered useless: Five of eight battleships, three destroyers, and seven other ships were sunk or severely damaged, and more than 200 aircraft were destroyed. A total of 2,400 Americans were killed and 1,200 were wounded, many while valiantly attempting to repulse the attack. Japan's losses were some 30 planes, five midget submarines, and fewer than 100 men. Fortunately for the United States, all three Pacific fleet carriers were out at sea on training maneuvers. These giant aircraft carriers would have their revenge against Japan six months later at the Battle of Midway, reversing the tide against the previously invincible Japanese navy in a spectacular victory.

The day after Pearl Harbor was bombed, President Roosevelt appeared before a joint session of Congress and declared, "Yesterday, December 7, 1941--a date which will live in infamy--the United States of America was suddenly and deliberately attacked by naval and air forces of the Empire of Japan." After a brief and forceful speech, he asked Congress to approve a resolution recognizing the state of war between the United States and Japan. The Senate voted for war against Japan by 82 to 0, and the House of Representatives approved the resolution by a vote of 388 to 1. The sole dissenter was Representative Jeannette Rankin of Montana, a devout pacifist who had also cast a dissenting vote against the U.S. entrance into World War I. Three days later, Germany and Italy declared war against the United States, and the U.S. government responded in kind.

The American contribution to the successful Allied war effort spanned four long years and cost more than 400,000 American lives.


There's just no more doubt about it.

The Democrats, or most of them anyway, are advocating our defeat in Iraq. And oh, they're terrorizing the Iraqis as well.

First we had Rep Murtha with his spectacularly irresponsible proposal that we pull our troops out of Iraq immediately. Then we had him tell us that our Army was "broken, worn out",

Then yesterday we had John Kerry tell us that our troops were terrorizing Iraqis. As he put it to Bob Schieffer on CBS Face the Nation "And there is no reason, Bob, that young American soldiers need to be going into the homes of Iraqis in the dead of night, terrorizing kids and children, you know, women, breaking sort of the customs of the -- historical customs, religious customs, whether you like it or not. Iraqis should be doing that."

Can you imagine if this guy had been elected president?

Now, the nicest interpretation is that he meant to say that the act of armed soldiers going into civilian homes is frightening to it's inhabitants.

But given his participation in the Winter Soldier nonsense of 1971, its more than probable that he actually thinks our troops are terrorizing Iraqi civilians. Here's how he described our soldiers to Congress on April 22 1971 "They told the stories at times they had personally raped, cut off ears, cut off heads, taped wires from portable telephones to human genitals and turned up the power, cut off limbs, blown up bodies, randomly shot at civilians, razed villages in fashion reminiscent of Genghis Khan, shot cattle and dogs for fun, poisoned food stocks, and generally ravaged the countryside of South Vietnam in addition to the normal ravage of war, and the normal and very particular ravaging which is done by the applied bombing power of this country."

Although no doubt at times some of these things happened, most of what the Winter Soldier investigation "discovered" turned out to be false.

But it Gets Worse

Next up we have none other than the Chairman of the Democratic National Party himself, Howard Dean. During an interview on WOAI Radio in San Antonio the other day gave us his strategy for defeat: "Saying the "idea that we're going to win the war in Iraq is an idea which is just plain wrong," Democratic National Chairman Howard Dean predicted today that the Democratic Party will come together on a proposal to withdraw National Guard and Reserve troops immediately, and all US forces within two years.

Oh, but he's a strategic military genius also. His solution:

"We ought to have a redeployment to Afghanistan of 20,000 troops, we don't have enough troops to do the job there and its a place where we are welcome. And we need a force in the Middle East, not in Iraq but in a friendly neighboring country to fight (terrorist leader Musab) Zarqawi, who came to Iraq after this invasion. We've got to get the target off the backs of American troops."

Dean didn't specify which country the US forces would deploy to....

Uh, maybe because no other country in the region wants to host a large US force? The Saudis had lots of US troops in their country after the Gulf War and all that did was anger the extremists in their midst(another story). No one else is eager to repeat their experience. Murtha, also strategically challenged, offered much the same "solution" in his proposal a few weeks ago.

I suppose I should't condemn the entire Democrat party; after all, a few, like Joe Lieberman, are sensible. And some Republicans are weak-kneed. But when the House Democrat leader, Nancy Pelosi herself, calls for a "rapid withdrawal from Iraq" (damn the consequences), I'm sorry: The Democrats are the Party of Defeat.
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