09 December 2005

Porno Patrol

With terrorism completely under control and identity theft a rare crime, the FBI is turning its attention to the real criminals: pornographers.

According to the Washington Post, Congress gave the FBI a mandate this year assigning 10 agents to stopping adults from purchasing videos of your favorite starlets in compromising situations. Luckily, we obtained an internal memo from FBI headquarters outlining the qualifications for this very important task force. So start embellishing your resumé, and maybe you can help bust your dad when he tries to purchase Young and Flexible XVII at the local video store.

Anti-Obscenity Task Force Officer

Company: Federal Bureau of Investigation

Salary: $35 per hour (with an extra $200 bonus per day for halting any objects from going from the ass to the mouth)

Successful applicants must be able to:

- Quickly identify sexual positions such as "doggie style," "cowgirl," "reverse cowgirl," and "Mexican alarm clock"

- Feign ignorance as to who Ron Jeremy is—but maintain a silent appreciation for his acting skills

- Maintain focus, awareness, and flaccidity in an environment filled with moaning and ass-slapping distractions

- Avoid allergic reactions to latex, whipped cream, and anal

- Understand that Shaving Ryan's Privates is not a sequel to a Tom Hanks' movie

- Uphold the notion that sex is a dirty, filthy, and disgusting activity that should not be enjoyed by anyone—especially Democrats

Squad members will also be expected to complete the following courses at FBI Academy (graduates of Arizona State are exempt from taking these courses):

- "I'm Here to Fix the Cable" and Other Porno Lies

- Sex Toys 101: Dildo Classification

- Identifying Fake Breasts: Are They Real, and Who Cares?

- Just Close Your Eyes and Hold On: How to Survive as a Fluffer

- From the Roman Coliseum to Under the Floorboards of Your Older Brothers' Room: A History of Pornographic Consumption

0 Comments:

Post a Comment

<< Home

Free Web Counter
Counters