22 December 2005

House Of Pranks

Gandhi said it best: “There’s nothing funnier than the misfortune of others.” I say it’s even better when the misfortune is targeted at people you know. Below, is a blueprint of the most outrageous, insane and dastardly practical jokes ever assembled. Read on and ruin your friends’ lives.


OFFICE OFFENSES
Alienate coworkers and get demoted with these delicious on-the-job practical jokes.

Transform a desk into a nest
While a coworker is away on vacation, open his windows and sprinkle birdseed on the windowsill. Continue sprinkling the birdseed on his desk, the picture of his wife and kids — maybe even on those important spreadsheets. Birds will arrive. Be hospitable. Encourage them to come in, eat up, stay awhile. Birds are not shy about relieving themselves. After a few days of this, his office will be covered in bird crap. And bird crap = funny.

Doctor the dictionary
All recent versions of Microsoft Word have an AutoCorrect function — it’s under the heading Tools — that corrects spelling mistakes as you type. The prank: Change words in the AutoCorrect dictionary. Rig someone’s computer so that every time he types the word the it automatically switches to vulva. Imagine your coworker’s surprise and delight!

Tape salmon under a chair
Buy a fish. Freeze it. Tape it under a coworker’s chair. Watch with glee as he sniffs his coffee, sniffs his pen, sniffs his pits and spends hours trying to figure out where that smell is coming from.

File a lobster
Continuing with the aquatic theme, place a live lobster or any other crustacean in the company file cabinet. Next, ask your assistant to kindly fetch a file for you. Settle sexual harassment suit out of court.

Delete a hard drive
Remember the good old days of computers when, every few months, your machine would crash and you’d lose everything you’d worked on? Take a coworker on a trip down memory lane by going to RJL Software (www.rjlsoftware.com) and downloading their Fake Delete program. Install the program on your coworker’s computer. When he returns, he’ll see his computer seemingly deleting the entire contents of his hard drive.

Tie a chair to a trash can
Using clear fishing line, tie your mark’s chair to his garbage can. Fill the garbage can with something embarrassing (I recommend Tail Ends magazine), and push the chair under his desk. When he pulls the chair out with any sort of force, the garbage will topple over, spilling its contents and causing him to look like a dirty little man.


Sabotage the Toilet Paper
1 On a flat surface, unroll the toilet paper approximately four feet. Cut some double-sided tape the same length as the toilet paper you’ve just unrolled.
2 Stick the tape to the TP, making sure that it is on the inside of the roll. Carefully roll the TP back. It should now be impossible to unroll the paper.
3 Replace the regular toilet paper with the trick roll. Remove from the bathroom all other toilet paper, towels, washcloths, Details magazines and anything else a clever person might use to wipe himself.
4 Turn up the music to drown out his cries.

Murder the Time Warner Guy
1 Call a stranger and tell him you’re from the phone company. Explain that there’s been a problem with the lines in the area and repairmen are working on it. Ask that he not answer the phone for the next 10 minutes because he might electrocute the lineman.
2 Hang up and call him back in a minute. Let the phone ring and ring and ring…until the guy absolutely can’t stand it anymore.
3 When he finally picks up the phone, let out a bloodcurdling scream, as if the repair guy is being fried.

Detonate the Salt Shaker
1 Take a salt or pepper shaker and unscrew the top. Empty it about one third of the way.
2 Fill the empty space with lemon juice. Using a white tissue covered with baking soda, cover the opening of the shaker, being careful not to let the tissue hit the lemon juice.
3 Stick the lid back on, but don’t tighten it. When someone shakes to get salt, the lemon juice will break through the tissue and mix with the baking soda. This will cause the lid to explode off and fill the table with lots of foam.

Give a Chicken-Soup Bath
1 Unscrew your friend’s showerhead.
2 Place chicken boullion cubes inside it, and screw it back on.
3 His next hot shower will be chicken soup for the scalp. As he towels off, request that he take another shower ’cause he smells really “fowl.”


FUN WITH CATS
Little-known fact: Feline feces can offer hours of amusement.

Super bowel party
Every day, clean out the cat poo from your friend’s kitty-litter box before he can. After a couple weeks, your friend will notice the doody-free box and begin to worry about Fluffy. He will most likely make an appointment with a vet. That’s when you take a dump in the litter box. Watch with glee when he discovers Fluffy’s generous gift.

Litter for lunch
If you don’t have a cat, pretend that you have one. Fill a litter box with Grape-Nuts. Break Tootsie Rolls into reasonable-looking pieces of cat shit and add to the Grape-Nuts. Place the litter box in a conspicuous place. Invite friends over. In front of them, fall face first into the “kitty litter.” Come up with a face full of gravel and cat crap. When people shriek in horror, begin to eat the “droppings.” Funny. I've heard that George Will does this all the time.


Lock a Guy in the Trunk
1 Get a tape recorder and record yourself pounding on the refrigerator door, screaming, “Let me out! This isn’t funny anymore! Help! I can’t breathe!” Do this for 45 minutes. Another fun option: Record a barking dog.
2 Take the tape recorder to a friend’s parked car. Open his trunk using the key you stole weeks ago. Hit play, close the trunk and watch a crowd form. For added fun, park car in front of a fire department. They will likely destroy your friend’s car with the jaws of life.

Shoot Your Neighbor
1 Go to your neighbor’s house at three in the morning. Knock on the front door.
2 When he answers, immediately take his picture with a flash camera and shoot him with a cap gun. The flash will blind him, and he’ll think he’s been shot. On second thought, don’t do this.

Spray Soda in Someone’s Eye
1 Be a generous soul and offer to buy your friend a can of soda.
2 As you hand him the can, tilt it toward him, squeezing its side with your thumb.
3 When your friend opens the can, it will explode in his face.
4 Offer a napkin.


GREAT MOMENTS IN SPORTS
From the gridiron to the baseball diamond, sports seems to bring out the 11-year-old in all of us. Here’s a roundup of some of the best athletic pranks ever played. Read, study and repeat.

Rookie’s got shotgun
NFL defensive back Lyle Blackwood punished players on the field — and off the field. He particularly loved to torture rookies. One of his favorite pranks was to tell a young teammate that a woman in the stands was really hot for him, but she was married. He’d tell the poor sap that her hubby was going out of town and that she’d asked if she and the rookie could get together. Blackwood would then drive the rookie to “her” house. During that time, another teammate in disguise would wait in the bushes with a shotgun loaded with blanks. When Blackwood and the rookie got to the front door, the player would jump out of the bushes, claim he was the husband and try to shoot Blackwood “dead.” The rookie would typically take off down the road at 200 mph.

Griffey has truck buddy
During Ken Griffey Jr.’s days with the Seattle Mariners, he helped stage a fifth-inning truck giveaway to a lucky fan. The only snag was that the 1996 Ford Explorer driven onto the field belonged to rookie outfielder Shane Monahan. The astute Monahan claimed that he wasn’t at all fooled — then he took a taxi home.

CalTech neuters Huskies
At the 1961 Rose Bowl, Caltech students, posing as high school reporters, asked the rival University of Washington cheerleading squad to show them how flip cards work. They then borrowed the instruction sheet and altered the Huskies’ cards so that Washington’s canine mascot was transformed into a Caltech Beaver and the word Washington was changed to Caltech. This got big laughs at chem lab on Monday.

Balloon wreaks havoc
Prior to a 1982 Harvard-Yale game, MIT frat brothers dug a tunnel under Harvard Stadium and planted a large balloon at the 40-yard line. Just before a post-touchdown kickoff, the balloon began to rise up from the field, bearing the letters M-I-T. It then exploded, showering players with baby powder and marbles. This may have been the most famous sports prank ever — unless you count Kerri Strug.


THE PRANKSTER’S TO-DO LIST
Take a moment to brighten up the lives of others.


Put Vaseline on a car-door handle.
Sprinkle baby powder in a blowdryer.
Spray shaving cream in a sleeping guy’s hand.
Dip a sleeping guy’s hand into a cup of warm water.
Put dog crap in a paper bag, leave it on a doorstep and set it on fire.
Place Saran Wrap over a toilet seat.
Tie a dollar bill to a string. When someone picks up the dollar, pull the string.
Build a nuclear bomb.


Maim a Pal
1 Hang a large sheet of white paper outside someone’s door.
2 Stand outside his room with a group of friends and urge him to jump through the paper. Chances are, he’ll do so like a football hero. Clap wildly.
3 Sometime later, set up the paper outside his room again. But this time set something up behind the paper: a soda machine, a few large men — something that will severely injure.
4 Cheer for your mark to emerge. When he leaps heroically through the paper, he will be met not with applause but with a ruptured spleen.


MOTHER NATURE’S PRANKS

The ocean. You can’t drink it.
Fire. We need it, but it burns.
Snot.
Making dumb people huge.
Snakes. They have no hands, but they can kill us.
Women. We’re bigger, but it still doesn’t matter!
No matter how hard they try, models can’t act.
The English.
Horses. They’re incredibly hung, but incredibly stupid.


Defrost the Anchovies
1 Open a can of anchovies.
2 In your victim’s car, place a line of the hairy fish on top of the defroster vents, which are located on top of the dashboard near the windshield. This works best if you do it just before he leaves to pick up a leggy supermodel.

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