17 December 2005

Eat Junk Food and Live


Just finished off a Spam-stuffed funnel cake? Step this way.


With the possible exception of rectal exam, few words can traumatize a guy more than bran muffin. Eating healthy is just not good for a man’s soul. But the beautiful truth is that it’s possible to snarf down some of the most diabolical meals on the planet every day and still maintain some semblance of a healthy diet. How the heck? Well, I asked a bunch of "experts" here on Schofield and came up with some alternative solutions—to help us set things right after a day of eating all the wrong things. An added bonus: Buck Sergeant Skip's patented Easy Exercise Plan, which can help you fight flab without ever setting foot in a gym.

The Gonzo Breakfast
Three large scrambled eggs, three hubcap-size pancakes with butter and syrup, three sausage links, heapings of home fries and a vat o’ coffee.

What you’ve done to yourself:
With all the grease and questionable animal products you’ve just shoveled in, you’ve consumed 75 percent of the fat, half of the calories and 250 percent of the cholesterol allowed in a single day. And it’s not even 9 A.M.!

The sensible solution:
A light lunch and lean dinner, unless you enjoy shopping at Husky for Men. Try a bowl of non-cream–based soup, such as vegetable or chicken noodle, with a whole-grain roll, says PFC Espinoza, a medic from 5/14 Cav. For dinner, you’re looking at baked skinless chicken (if you’re lucky enough to have someone to cook it for you), a green salad and a baked sweet potato (no butter). Make sure the salad dressing is a vinaigrette, not some artery-clogging goop.

The Buck Sergeant Skip's alternative:
Chocolate-covered peanuts. You read it right. Peanuts may have fat, but it’s of the monounsaturated variety, which helps control cholesterol, says SGT. Appleway, of 1-21 INF. Peanuts also contain resveratrol, which, like aspirin, can prevent heart attacks. And chocolate has recently received better reviews—experts say it contains phenol, an antioxidant.

The Easy Exercise Plan:
A recent study of NASA employees found that men who walked two and a half miles a day gained no weight over a 10-year period; those who didn’t gained 20 pounds. So don’t park in that cushy spot next to your office. Thirty minutes can say sayonara to 215 calories.

The All-American Nightmare Lunch
A whopping bacon double-cheeseburger, supersize fries, a large chocolate milk shake and one of those scalding-hot apple pies.

What you’ve done to yourself:
Congratulations—you’ve eaten more than half the fat and calories you’re supposed to get in a day. “The only good thing about this meal is that you’re getting calcium from the milk shake,” says PFC Espinoza.

The sensible solution:
Again, two moderate meals in a row will have you back on track. For dinner, eat steamed fish with brown rice, a green salad, a dinner roll and fruit. For breakfast the next day, munch on a bowl of bran cereal with skim milk, a few slices of wheat toast (no butter) and a glass of OJ. Stick to these rules and you’ve basically atoned for your nutritional sins.

The Buck Sergeant Skip's alternative:
Instead of that boring fish fillet for dinner, dive into a 10-ounce broiled filet mignon and a glass of red wine (we have a feeling you won’t complain). The protein in your juicy steak stimulates the production of glucagon, a hormone that breaks down fat, says SPC. Coleman of 5/14 Cav, an avid MET-Rx user. As for that beautiful glass of burgundy, it contains ethyl alcohol, which reduces your risk of heart disease by 30 percent. (Remember that 60 Minutes report a couple of years back?)

The Easy Exercise Plan:
Desk push-ups. Shut the door for this one—you don’t want your officemates to think you’re practicing the moves you put on your lady friends. Place your hands on the edge of your desk, palms down, and do push-ups until you feel stupid. This benefits your chest and triceps, and burns extra calories.

The Devil’s Own Dinner
A huge plate of buffalo chicken wings (with gobs of blue-cheese dressing), a monstrous mountain of Nachos Grandissimo, a can of soda (nondiet, of course).

What you’ve done to yourself:
Yes, that sound you hear is your pants exploding. Together, these so-called appetizers contain crazy calories, a day’s worth of fat and so much salt you’ll start seeing mirages.

The sensible solution:
Go for a two-meal return to reality. For breakfast, it’s whole-wheat waffles (buy the frozen ones and top ’em with light syrup and/or margarine), OJ and coffee. For lunch, have a low-cal deli sandwich. “Any sort of low-fat cold cuts will work,” says PFC Espinoza. “Lean turkey, low-fat provolone cheese and light ham…as long as they’re not slathered with mayonnaise.” Slap this and some veggies between two whole-grain slices, and chow down.

The Buck Sergeant Skip's alternative:
Twenty quarts of cabbage soup (or as much as you can take). Sounds crazy? Well, it is. But this East European treat will rehydrate your shriveling blood cells, and while many diets will shock your body into continual cravings, you can eat bowls of cabbage soup without an ounce of worry. In addition, the fiber in the cabbage will flush out your digestive tract, says Major Winters of Landstuhl Regional Medical Center, Gastrointestional Clinic. It’s simple, too: Just tear up a head of cabbage, six large onions, two green peppers and a bunch of celery, and stick ’em in a pot of water. Then throw in one 28-ounce can of tomatoes and one packet of onion soup. Season to taste, obviously.

The Easy Exercise Plan:
Um, how do we put this? Go home early and, er, get it on. “You should always find some time for a good romp in the sheets,” says SPC Denucio, of 325 BSB. “That’ll burn up a lot of those excess calories.” An hour of active sex—who’s heard of inactive sex, anyway?—burns off a whopping 240 calories.

The Booze Bender
Two six-packs of imported beer and more tequila shots than you can remember.

What you’ve done to yourself:
Besides waking up next to the banjo player from Deliverance? You’ve dared your liver to commit hara-kiri, while also funneling all the cals you’re supposed to consume in one day—about 2,000—through, um, eating. But don’t feel guilty about not drinking light beer—apart from tasting like piss water, it’ll still leave you with a gut.

The sensible solution:
To fix your hangover, drink fruit juice for breakfast. You need the sweetness because alcohol depletes blood sugars, says raging alcoholic SPC. Sanders, of 225 BSB; that’s why you feel wobbly the day after. For lunch and dinner, go for any of the low-fat options previously mentioned.

The Buck Sergeant Skip's alternative: Leftover pizza. “Believe it or not, two slices of vegetable-topped pizza and a glass of OJ is a healthy breakfast,” says SSG. Miller, of 1-14 INF. “It contains plenty of nutrients, and it’s not high in fat.”

The Easy Exercise Plan:
Duck out of work early the next day—let’s face it, you’re about as useful as a chocolate coffeepot—and hit the links. Don’t let anyone tell you golf is a sorry excuse for exercise: A full 18 holes can burn off more than 1,200 cals. If you carry your own clubs, three to four hours will undo all the damage.

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