16 December 2005

The Ale Master

I’m livin’ in Hawaii and just a-tryin’ to earn a dollar. I decided I needed to find a refreshing icy beer to deal with this damn heat. Below are just some of the ones I have discovered.

Yellow Belly
The Minnesota Brewing Company’s “alcoholic alternative beverage” is hyped as “lemon with an attitude.” Translation: Zima and Tom Collins mixer; hold the swizzle. It’s just tart enough to avoid wimpy wine-cooler status. But don’t forget to shake well…the unexplained gray sediment can be unappetizing. *

Pete’s Wicked Honey Wheat
Pete Slosberg’s 11-year-old craft-brew empire, which went public in 1995, has generated quite a buzz for this honey-flavored masterpiece. Caramel malt gives it a smooth, pleasant body—in fact, it’s not terribly “wicked” until you polish off a second six-pack. Make a beeline to the nearest distributor. ***

Pacifico Clara
Cerveceria del Pacifico’s Tex-Mex beer is just the thing for jamming into the sand next to a beach bonfire after a hard day’s surfing. A little heavier than Corona, yes, but it’s not so tastelessly trendy, and you won’t get lime pips caught in your teeth. With its fresh taste and carbonated, lemony bite, it’s a solid thirst quencher. **

Alimony Ale
“The Bitterest Beer in America,” this Buffalo Bill’s Brewery entrant is the darkest, heaviest beer on our list. First brewed in recycled dairy equipment in Hayward, California, this ale has the deep, malty backbone and hoppy aftertang of a stout. But hey, you don’t always want light and refreshing, even in summer—sometimes you just want to sulk. ***

Blue Moon Belgian White
This Coors Brewing Company specialty brewery puts so much TLC into its Belgian White that they can only brew it “once in a blue moon.” Cute, huh? But with cameo appearances by exotics like coriander and orange peel, this complex brew is the gin of beers, and certainly ought to be brewed more often. Say…every full moon? **

Red Stripe
A lager brewed by Desnoes & Geddes in Kingston, Jamaica, this goes down faster than the national bobsled team. Some people think of it as glorified Budweiser, but it’s got more character than that. Remember, it’s Jamaican. Get together with a couple of these and feel all right. **

Samuel Adams Summer Ale
The inventors of the micro brewery/craft brewery craze pulled out all the stops with this tangy wheat beer: lemon flavor, an antique, sharp spice (and reputed aphrodisiac) called grains of paradise, and even an artsy label inspired by Winslow Homer’s paintings. Old Sammy (you know, “Brewer…patriot”) would be proud. ***

Saranac Golden Pilsener
Brewed by Matt Brewing Company in Utica, New York, this aromatic American wheat beer has a strong personality. It’s flowery, grainy, hoppy…hell, it’s a whole damn meadow in a bottle. But it’s a reliable pal with the character to stand up to pizza, seafood, even cigars without backing down. **

Jet City Triple 7 Nectar
If you really, really, really like apricot, this is the beer for you. Jet City Brewery in Seattle (home of Boeing) gives aviation names to all its beers, so to commemorate the virgin flight of the Triple 7, the world’s most powerful twin jet aircraft, they blended seven ingredients seven times and fermented for seven days for this fruity extravaganza. *

Oregon Hefeweizen
Tough day splitting logs? Probably can’t do much better than one of these. A medium-bodied wheat beer with a clean, crisp, hoppy taste. Oh, and don’t worry about that authentic Northwest cloudiness: Oregon Ale and Beer Company leaves in the yeast sediment, free of charge, for extra home-brew flavor. ***

Celis Raspberry
Take a traditional Belgian “white” beer, stir in some raspberry juice, and what do you get? Well, if you’re the Celis Brewery (we know–you’re not) you get this sweetly syrupy dessert brew. Not the one to have if you’re having more than one (or if you’re a diabetic); but when what you want is an after-dinner-Jacuzzi, sippin’ beer, look no further. *

Sol Especial
Light, smoothly mellow, and best when served freezing cold, Sol is the perfect party starter, neatly turning siesta into fiesta. The original Cerveceria Moctezuma brewery, where Sol is made, was founded by Mexicans of German extraction—try it with your next batch of sauerkraut burritos! **

*WARNING, IF YOU TRY THE ABOVE MENTIONED BEERS WHILE OUT*


Police are warning all men who frequent clubs, parties and local pubs to be alert and stay cautious when offered a drink from any woman.

Many females use a date rape drug on the market called "Beer". The drug is found in liquid form and available anywhere. It comes in bottles, cans, from taps and in large "kegs".

"Beer" is used by female sexual predators at parties and bars to persuade their male victims to go home and have sex with them.

A woman needs only to get a guy to consume a few units of "Beer" and then simply ask him home for no strings attached sex.

Men are rendered helpless against this approach. After several "Beers", men will often succumb to the desires to perform sexual acts on women whom they would never normally be attracted.

After drinking "Beer", men often awaken with only hazy memories of exactly what happened to them the night before, often with just a vague feeling that "something bad" occurred.

At other times, these unfortunate men are swindled out of their life's savings, in a familiar scam known as "a relationship." In extreme cases, the female may even be shrewd enough to entrap the unsuspecting male into a longer-term form of servitude and punishment referred to as "marriage".

Men are much more susceptible to this scam after "Beer" is administered and sex is offered by the predatory females.

Please forward this warning to every male you know. If you fall victim to this "Beer" and the women administering it, there are male support groups where you can discuss the details of your shocking encounter with similarly affected like-minded guys. For the support group nearest you, just look up "Golf Courses" in the phone book.

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