12 December 2005

169 Lies You Can Tell

Whether you’re at a party, in court or just giving directions to an elderly woman, it pays to lie every chance you get. Why? Because through my tireless research liars live six years longer than nonliars.

1. I am the great-great-great-grandson of James K. Polk.

2. I was spotting Joey Fatone at the gym the other day, and he farted on his last rep.

3. My father Is the reason we have daylight saving time.

4. I once delivered a pizza to Eddie Murphy’s mother.

5. My cousin is Uma Thurman’s personal chef, and he was given orders by her to put tapeworm eggs in her food.

6. My AUNT was one of those people who got killed when that giant balloon went out of control at the Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade.

7. Barry Bonds cheated off me in high school and gave me steriods.

8. Bette Midler used to live in my apartment building.

9. I’m the reason you can’t smoke at gas stations.

10. My parents participated in that famous Masters and Johnson sex survey. Dad still won’t talk about it.

11. My neighbor invented Formula 409, but he didn’t get rich from it because he was under contract to the Clorox company at the time. He’s not that bitter about it, though. He’s dead, actually.

12. My second cousin is the one who came up with those weird ads for Mentos. He’s from some weird ass European country, I think France.

13. You know when that little girl fell down the well in Texas? The same thing happened to me the next week, but no one cared anymore.

14. My mother invented those little refrigerator-poetry magnets. It was all an accident.

15. I met the girl who had her leg cut off by Stephen Dorff’s boat. They still keep in touch.

16. When I was a kid at fat camp, a fellow camper, Chris Farley, rolled me my first joint.

17. I almost made it into Menudo, but the casting guy didn’t think I looked “Hispanic enough.” The guy who got the gig was Ricky Martin.

18. I’m Tom Skerritt’s doctor. Did you know he has only one testicle?

19. I got a girl from The Facts of Life pregnant. I can’t remember which one, though.

20. Listen—I went to school with Corky, and he’s not retarded. It’s a fucking act. Now he’s got a seat on the Stock Exchange.

21. My grandmother is the world’s most successful wallpaper designer.

22. I’m J.D. Salinger’s personal assistant. I’m not allowed to tell anyone where he lives.

23. These bowls were handmade by actor Lance Henriksen.

24. My dad is a cop. One day he arrested the guy who played Greg Brady for indecent exposure. Or so he thought. Turned out it was just an incredible look-alike.

25. I went to high school with Adam Goldberg. After gym class, he used to shower with his underwear on.

26. My older brother was one of those kids who killed himself in the ’80s because he listened to too much death metal. It took a long time, but I think I’m finally over it.

27. I invented Jenga.

28. I gave a blood transfusion to William Daniels, the voice of KITT on Knight Rider. He even called to thank me personally.

29. My father was at that bank the day Patty Hearst robbed it.

30. I lost my virginity to Mayim Bialik at her parents’ lake cabin.

31. My mother’s baby-sitter was Jerry Orbach’s older sister.

32. You know that scar Charlie Sheen has on his jaw? Ask him who gave it to him.

33. I am the Midwest’s number-one collector of PEZ dispensers.

34. My aunt is a receptionist in the office of the doctor who misdiagnosed Jim Henson.

35. I’m in a crowd scene in My Best Friend’s Wedding. If you look closely, you can see me in the background giving the devil sign.
36. My great-grandfather wrote the fifth telegram ever sent.

37. You know college-rule notebook paper? My grandfather was the one who decided exactly how narrow the lines would be.

38. My roommate in college was Jeremy Baskin, grandson of the founder of Baskin-Robbins ice cream.

39. I made out with Miss New Hampshire once at a keg party. She was wasted!

40. My aunt was the first female CPA in the state of Ohio. She cries when you bring it up.

41. They named a disease after my brother. What? Oh, you’ve probably never heard of it.

42. When I was seven, I fell from a third-floor balcony and didn’t break a single bone.

43. I was the first person in North America to see Life Is Beautiful.

44. My parents were married on a ship by Gavin MacLeod. He’s an ordained minister.

45. You ever see Peggy Sue Got Married? It was shot at my high school.

46. When I was little, I put my finger in the world’s largest pumpkin pie right before it was to be shot for The Guinness Book of World Records. That’s why there’s no picture of it in the book.

47. My great-grandfather punched Hitler.

48. My parents took my sister and me to see Sesame Street on Ice and I threw up on Big Bird. They had to stop the show until they cleaned him up.

49. My cousin asked Richard Gere for an autograph at a restaurant. Gere yelled at him until he realized he was deaf. Then he gave him the finger.

50. I ran into JM J. Bullock at a bar, and he tried to steal my wallet. Twice.

51. My aunt used to baby-sit for Jan from The Brady Bunch, and after she became famous, she completely forgot about her.

52. My uncle was a cop in the ’70s, and he was the inspiration for the TV show Baretta. He even met Robert Blake a few times. He told me Blake’s a complete psycho who most definitely killed his wife.

53. My gay cousin Salvatore once saw one of those bar guys from Cheers in a bathhouse giving a blow job to some bodybuilder.

54. My uncle is a little person.

55. I have an extra kidney.

56. When I was younger, I spoke fluent French. But now I remember only a few words.

57. I was on the same Little League team with Jay-Z. He struck out, like, every time he was at bat.

58. I got in a fender bender with Matthew Perry. He was a real dick about it.

59. I am unable to see the color yellow.

60. I have type O-negative blood. You know, the universal donor.

61. I’m two percent Cherokee.

62. i used to weigh 400 pounds, but I got my stomach stapled-by some guy at work.

63. If you smoke potpourri, you can pass any Breathalyzer test-no matter how drunk you are.

64. I once overheard Robert Loggia refer to himself as “the greatest living actor on the face of the planet.”

65. Mark Wahlberg once asked me if he could borrow a pen in a bar. I just laughed and was like, “You’re Marky Mark!” Then he got pissed and walked away.

66. My great-uncle was on the Apollo 1. You know, the one that burned up on the launchpad.

67. My great-great-great-grandfather discovered Alaska.

68. When I was three years old, my family lived in an old school bus.

69. Patrick Swayze was on the flag corps at my older cousin’s high school.

70. I can bake the best German chocolate cake you’ve ever tasted.

71. My great-great-great-great-great-grandfather was the guy who shot Crispus Attucks.

72. Schindler’s List is about my great-uncle.

73. I was thrown through a plate-glass window one time. I landed on Gabe Kaplan.

74. My brother got accepted into the operations division of the CIA. We don’t see him much anymore, but he travels a lot in South America.

75. I was in Vegas one time and the bearded sidekick from Home Improvement sat down to play blackjack at my table. Man, he didn’t know shit about blackjack.

76. I’ve killed only one deer in my life. It was more of a mercy killing, though. It had been crippled by a car, so I finished it off with my Swiss Army knife. It was really the only humane thing to do.

77. My dad looks just like Brian Dennehy. Sounds like him, too.

78. I had a girlfriend once who could only get off if I wore a bulldog Halloween mask when we had sex. It was fucking creepy.

79. My parents’ neighbor was the last man to operate a guillotine for the French government.
80. I went to grade school with Freddie Prinze Jr. He used to catch tadpoles in the lake by the football field and squeeze them till their eyes popped out.

81. I have a third and a fourth nipple.

82. My friend’s uncle was a Navy SEAL, and he had to swim across the Gulf of Tonkin to China after escaping from a POW camp during the Vietnam War. He hasn’t been swimming since.

83. My cousin was the first woman to successfully eat a lightbulb. But she only did it once.

84. I was in a bad car accident when I was 14. Doctors had to rebuild my entire face. You can’t tell it’s me when you look at pictures of me as a kid.

85. I knew a guy in my high school whose car went off the road when he was drunk and ended up in Lake Mead. They recovered the car, but not the body#&151;he’d gotten out, drowned and gone through the turbines at the Hoover Dam. He was on his way back from my graduation party.
86. My ex was in rehab with Steven Tyler. All Tyler did was talk on his cell phone and fold his clothes.

87. My grandfather treated all the male actors on Bonanza for gonorrhea, one after the other. Lorne Greene had to come in, like, three times. But only for checkups.

88. My brother-in-law had a bit part in an episode of Mad About You, and Helen Hunt taught him how to juggle.

89. If you look closely at the moon-landing film, you can see some of the “stars” swinging back and forth. Apparently some dude left a fan on.

90. You know who did the voice of Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer? Not me, but I auditioned for the role when I was in second grade.

91. I was born with a second tongue, but my parents had it removed. You can still kind of see the scar.

92. Leonardo Da Vinci did a sketch of a “manual organization device” that looked a lot like a Palm Pilot.

93. My older sister was born at Woodstock just as Jimi Hendrix started playing “The Star-Spangled Banner.” To this day, she’s terrified of the national anthem.

94. I’m allergic to Chinese people. The doctors don’t know if it’s something about their diet, or what; I can’t even drive through Chinatown without swelling up.

95. I never learned how to drink through a straw. Mom never let us use straws when we were kids.

96. My cousin had a stillborn baby with two heads and three legs. Michael Jackson offered to buy it.

97. If you feed a seagull a Wow! potato chip, it will explode.

98. My uncle designs bunny molds for Easter candy. He’s gay.

99. I know this girl who’s a receptionist at Miramax, and she says most actresses have flatulence problems. And Judi Dench is, like, always drunk.

100. My cousin was the first person to get busted for Internet kiddie porn, even though he was just checking out a Web site dedicated to baby animals.

101. The real reason they say, “Break a leg” in the theater is because, back in the Middle Ages, they would literally break an actor’s legs if he didn’t have a good performance. Therefore, if you break a leg onstage, you don’t have to have it broken afterward.

102. When I was in high school, Ben Affleck tried to sell me steroids. But once I saw his pimple-addled back, I said no way.

103. I used to work for a prominent New York City urologist. One time Charlie Sheen, with the aid of a middle-aged Asian prostitute, came in with a pen stuck in his penis. The weird thing: He didn’t want it removed!

104. If a woman wears high heels too often, she can rupture her spleen.

105. After having my appendix removed in high school, I woke up from the anesthesia to find the nurse fellating me.

106. I lost two teeth in a bar brawl with Mickey Rourke.

107. There’s a mixed drink named after me in the Yukon Territory. It’s mostly vodka.
108. I own a hang glider, but I barely use it anymore.

109. My brother is a professional crossword-puzzle writer for The New York Times. It doesn’t really pay that well.

110. I sculpted that famous statue of Rocky Balboa in front of the Spectrum in Philadelphia.

111. Whenever it’s about to hail, my left knee starts to ache. But it only works with hail.

112. Charles Durning is allergic to cheddar cheese. I was at a restaurant when he accidentally ate some in a twice-baked potato. His throat almost swelled shut.

113. I own the world’s most extensive laser-disc collection. Who needs DVDs?

114. My grandfather holds the patent on salad-bar sneeze guards. The idea came to him when he sneezed at a salad bar one time.

115. Peru is the only civilized nation in the world that still openly accepts cannibalism.

116. If you train it, a manatee can learn to respond to its own name.

117. My uncle designed a car engine that runs on water, but he was paid an undisclosed sum by a large car company not to announce it to the public. If I told you the name of the company, he would kill me. He tried once.

118. Andy Warhol crashed on my dad’s living room couch for three weeks back in the ’60s. It was there that he started painting those stupid soup cans.

119. My brother was blackballed from the key-grip union after he crossed a picket line.

120. I valet-parked Penn & Teller’s car. They gave me a $100 bill as a tip, but right before my eyes, it changed into a five.

121. In some parts of Northern Africa, ice is bartered at a higher price than pure gold.

122. Jeff Spicoli was based on an actual guy who went to my college.

123. I was born 14 weeks premature.

124. I was the first guy ever to use the phrase “Time wounds all heels.” It was in a letter to the editor of TV Guide.

125. You know how George Clooney used to be a construction worker? He helped build my junior-high gym.

126. I was upgraded to first class on a flight to L.A. a few years ago and sat next to Ted Danson. Right before we landed, he started crying.

127. My bones have no marrow.

128. My uncle was an alternate to go on the Challenger’s final flight.

129. Twice a year-when the tides are just right-you can walk from Alaska to Russia.

130. All humans can sleep standing up if they have to. It comes from being cavemen, when we had to stay alert.

131. Ounce for ounce, the hair in your nose is stronger than Kevlar.

132. I was once clinically dead for three and a half minutes.

133. On her deathbed, my grandma told us that she once gave Spiro Agnew a hand job in an empty theater. After she told us, she took a deep breath and died. She was at peace.


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