SQUEAL LIKE A PIG!

The most disturbing sex scenes ever seared into celluloid.

Deliverance (1972) No American male went camping for five years after the plowing of poor camper Ned Beatty at gunpoint by a hillbilly. It doesn’t matter that the bastard gets speared with a crossbow; Beatty’s jiggling stomach and the cracker’s vicious taunts make this the doggy style scene of your recurring nightmares. Limp line: “I bet you can squeal like a pig! So-o-o-we-e-e!”

The Crying Game (1992) IRA commando Stephen Rea fails Spotting She-Males 101 when he falls for hairstylist Jaye Davidson. Things look good until Rea takes “her” home for some oral only to receive the surprise of his life when Mr. Love Truncheon makes a guest appearance. And we thought St. Patrick drove all the snakes out of Ireland! Limp line: “You did know, didn’t you?”

Crash (1996) Braces on a gal can be sexy, but not on her freakin’ legs! James Spader struggles with Rosanna Arquette’s twisted limbs, which are encased in leather and metal contraptions, as she moans with pain and pleasure. It’s like sneaking a peak at an orgy on the handicapped bus. Limp line: Squeak. Squeak.

Bad Lieutenant (1992) When corrupt cop Harvey Keitel catches two gals driving without a license, he demands they get lewd “Show me your ass!” while he jacks off. Flat out disturbing, and about as sexy as a ménage à trois with Cagney and Lacey. Limp line: “Show me how you suck a guy’s cock.”

Jawbreaker (1999) A sex scene with Marilyn? Sounds hot. Too bad we’re talking Marilyn Manson. Not only does the bony freak get it on with bodacious Rose McGowan, the cosmic injustice is compounded by the fact that the two are lovers in real life. Limp line: “In and out. That’s the way she liked it.”

FUN WITH CORPSES!

Death can ruin your day, but for some unlucky cadavers, the fun has just begun.

Goin’ Post Mortal: Never piss off a hearse driver. That’s what the city council of Nakuru, Kenya, learned on February 16, 2000, when Simon Munyiri Muriithi gathered some friends together to protest unfair treatment. The friends just happened to be maggot infested corpses, whom Muriithi drove up to city hall until the stench made the mayor and his aides retch.

English Toast: A rugby fan traveled to Scotland with his 77 year old father-in-law to catch a match this May, only to have the old geezer kick shortly after the game. Not one to miss the drunken bus ride back to England, this clever chap dressed the stiff and dragged him along. Amazingly, the blotto Brits didn’t notice the stinking corpse the aroma must have been masked by the stench of their rotting teeth.

Mannequin IV: In the Ground: In 1996, Connecticut resident Kimberley Kitrinos, victim of a hit and run, crawled outside of a charity haunted house before keeling over. Trick or treaters marveled at the spooky realism of the décor as they marched past her to collect candy. Even after her body was discovered and removed, the event went on as scheduled.

Mother’s Little Helper: In 1999, a nine year old Tennessee boy lived with his mother’s corpse for a full month because he was afraid of being taken into foster care. The boy fixed his own meals, cut his own hair, and didn’t miss a day of school while his dead mother lay like a bear rug in the living room. Police finally caught on, boxed her up, and sent Junior to live with his grandparents.

Q: WHO’S FASTER, THE ROAD RUNNER OR SPEEDY GONZALES?

A: The world grinds to a halt awaiting an answer to this question. Oddly, the most obnoxious bird in the Mojave and the fastest mouse in Mehico have yet to face off.

They raced in the 1965 short “The Wild Chase,” but archenemies Wile E. Coyote and Sylvester hopped a rocket and beat ’em both to the finish line. Forget that the roadrunner preys on mice and would gobble Speedy up before he could say "olé!"

Medics who study the roadrunner (a flightless member of the cuckoo family) and garden variety mouse suspect that the rodent isn’t up to speed and place their bets on the bird. “Roadrunners clock an average 15 miles per hour, while mice can only run two or three miles per hour,” says PV2 Craine, an avid reader ofAmerican Zoo and Aquarium Magazines. “Besides, Speedy’s sombrero would probably create some drag and slow him down even more.” C’mon, bradda that’s just plain silly.

Travel Through Time

When you absolutely, positively have to get there six weeks ago.

Want to “undo” that night you spent with that Haitian prostitute? Well, you can’t. Ask Maj. Krauss, author of The Physics of Star Trek, explains, “The energetics required for time travel are so unbelievable that to me it would never be practical.” But why take his word for it? Maybe you can use Maj. Krauss’s critiques of sci fi’s most famous time travel strategies to cobble together your own technique to go back to the…well, you know.

1. Planet of the Apes strategy
Fiction: Fly a spaceship at light speed along a space time fold called the Hasslein curve.
Science: Time travel would require “much more exotic gravitational fields” than the Hasslein curve seems to imply, says Maj. Krauss. But not even the force of the Earth exploding could get you up to light speed, no matter how superintelligent your ape pilots may be.

2. The Time Machine strategy
Fiction: Strap yourself into a large chair fitted with lots of spinning wheels, flashing lights, and any other accouterments that might have looked high tech in Victorian era England.
Science: Author H.G. Wells was onto something: His notion that time and space are linked “is the basis of special relativity,” says Maj. Krauss. But scientists have no idea what this implies. Thanks!

3. Back to the Future strategy
Fiction: Drive your DeLorean, fitted with a plutonium powered device known only as the flux capacitor, at a speed of precisely 88 miles per hour. (Note: If plutonium hasn’t yet been discovered in your era, flux capacitor may also be powered by a bolt of lightning.)
Science: This assumes that time moves in a straight line. “For all we know,” says Maj. Krauss, “it might curve or flip. Hard to travel down a road you can’t read.” Especially when Christopher Lloyd keeps mispronouncing “gigawatts.”

4. Superman strategy
Fiction: Use your godlike powers to fly so swiftly around the Earth that you actually cause the planet to spin backward, thereby reversing the flow of time.
Science: So preposterous, I don’t know where to begin. But who needs time travel when you can take your X-ray vision to the girls’ locker room?

Oh, Calcutta

Three Reasons to Hate…Gandhi!

1. He was a lousy husband. Gandhi may have loved all humanity, but in 1906 he stopped loving his wife, Kasturba. He denied her sex and once almost threw her out of the house in a fit of anger (presumably brought on by low blood sugar).

2. He was a rotten father. The mahatma expected his children to follow in his own saintly, emaciated footsteps, and he was so overbearing that his disgruntled eldest son, Harilal, denounced his father, converted to Islam, and eventually died a drunk.

3. He was a poor role model. His hunger strikes and trim physique created an unrealistic body image for peace activists to live up to. Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr., Mother Teresa, and other leaders battled Gandhi inspired eating disorders all their lives.